Navigation

Month: January 2016

ESTROGEN WATCH

A recent medical report from our dimwitted, Federal Government says women should be monitored for postpartum depression for two years after giving birth.

We here at THE GAZETTE, like all loyal right wing extremists, believe women should be monitored from a much earlier age, starting the moment their menstrual cycles rear their trouble making fluids. All mothers are aware of when this happens and it’s their responsibility to alert their husbands. This is necessary because men do not pick up on these things as God has blessed us with the ability to be oblivious to everything.

The fairer sex, well, not during a divorce, must be observed early on to help  prevent them from forming their own ideas. We have many examples of how women’s thoughts have devastated America. One such example is our rampaging out of wedlock births.

Shame on women who are too lazy to find males with low sperm counts. They are easily identified. Just give a male a quiz on a scale of 1-10 on how much they like football. If they answer 1-3, then they their count is low. If they answer 0, then their sperm won’t remind anyone of Mark Phelps. This has been proven many times  over by my assistant, Gwen, who sleeps around, but remains impregnation free. Gwen credits Grey Poupon mustard for her success. We are sending Bristol Palin a case of it along with a baster.

We urge our loyal readers to support a bill now being debated in congress. The legislation is known as the “Put Back In Your Pants, Chester!” bill.  If passed, it require all men harboring sperm to be chipped with an alarm that will sound if they are within three feet of unmarried, menstruating  women and all menstruating male gays.

YOUR EDITOR, Ken Hecht (Headed Back to the 50’s)

TRUMP TO FOX NEWS: BLOW ME!

Having dropped out of Fox News’ upcoming debate, Donald Trump has announced that he will debate himself this Sunday on cable’s “The Smear Channel.” He will do this on their hit show, “Egos Gone Wild.”

Trump declared that the one person debate will help him determine whether or not he should be his own running mate. Playing. “Can I top myself” he went on to brag that he could be a serial killer and wouldn’t lose a single vote because he’d only terrorize lefties.  When asked if he had his druthers of who he would abduct first, he chose Eleanor Roosevelt. The canny Trump is believed to have chosen the spacious and late first lady in order to convince extremist right wingers that he’s no more in touch with reality than they are.

The Right Wing Gazette believes that the bombastic New Yorker is in fact in touch with reality, an ugly one that includes subways, Woody Allen, foreign cabbies, The New York Times, high fashion and worst of all, brisket. While this newspaper respects Trump for taking insensitivity to new heights, we dare not become a nation filled with New Yorkers and their middle fingers.

The RWGazette further opposes Trump’s candidacy fearing that he may actually be a lefty in extremists clothing and once in the White House, might atavistically decide to help the less fortunate. Haven’t the eight years of living Obamally taught us that conscientiousness harms the top 1%, who in the best American tradition, are working day and night to become the top 1/2%? Kudos to them as it’s not easy to take even more money away from working people.

In conclusion, I apologize for not continuing on, but I must stop so our medical reporter, Karl, can give me my insulin shot with a recently reboiled needle made necessary by budget cuts. Pray for me!

Your Editor at Risk – Ken Hecht

IN DEFENSE OF LYING

In another outrage foisted upon loyal Americans by The Federal Government, two of our deceitfully, brave anti abortion foes have been indicted in Texas. That’s right, Texas!! No doubt this indictment was the result of Planned Parenthood members living there. This is all the more shocking since liberals  in The Lone Star state have been under house arrest for decades.

One of the indicted, David, last name withheld because it’s hard to spell, is the founder of “The Center of Medical Regress.” The other defendant is his groupie, Sandra something, an alleged woman. Both are charged with using fake driver’s licenses. They may have pulled it off if they hadn’t claimed to be Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers.

David has also been charged with trying to buy fetal tissue. When asked what he wanted the fetal tissue for, he responded that he didn’t like Kleenex. The Motown impostors are also accused of tampering with governmental records in order to falsely accuse Planned Parenthood of selling fetal tissue for profit. PP has denied this, but the unholy organization refuses to address the charge that they’re also leasing the stuff.

I urge Dave and Sandra to hire Jewish lawyers, because while I’ve never actually met a Jew, I hear they’re smart. The RWGazzette is establishing a fund to help defray Dave and Sandra’s legal costs. Please send your checks, cash and cans of creamed anything to “Free the Fibbing Two.”

Our loyal extremist readers know the many reasons why abortion should be outlawed. We suggest that If any of you accidentally confront a liberal, say with the bumper of your car, try to open their eyes by asking, “Can you imagine a world without Sarah Palin?”

The Editor – Ken Hecht