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Month: February 2016

VACATION

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My staff and I will be taking 10 days off. We hope we’re not letting you, who rely on us for rarely factual news, down.

We ask you to understand that we need this rest. Hating things 24/7 and trying to get America back to the 50’s where tolerance was a dirty word, is an exhausting task. It’s far more exhausting than being concerned about and showing kindness to others.

In order to reinvigorate our depleted proclivities for paranoia and venomous disdain, we will leave for Wyoming and “The Dick Cheney Retreat for Bile Rejuvenation.” We choose this retreat not only for its commitment to right wing extremism but also because it doesn’t serve vegetables.

The staff is looking forward to staying in rooms that feature paintings of the men Dick Cheney has shot in the face. I will be in a luxury suite that features pictures of the women he’s shot in the face.

Do not forget to get your paranoia, fear and loathing on each and every day. Stay close minded! Stay hateful!

Your Editor – Ken Hecht (running low on malevolence)

TRUMP KLUX KLAN

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Donald Trump has been endorsed by former KKK grand wizard David Duke. The GOP asked him to disavow the support, but he refused. Trump claimed he didn’t know anything about Duke and that the Republican Party was treating me badly. “How can they expect a praise whore like me to spurn anyone who’s kissed my tax dodging ass?”

Our reporter, Sid, questioned him about not knowing anything about Duke, a face lifted racist who ran for President in 1988. “I don’t know about Dave and many other people because I don’t really give a rat’s ass about anyone but myself. “That”, he boasted, “and tearing people down are the underpinnings of my self esteem. I’m close to bringing out a line of ‘Trump’s Self Esteem In A Can.’” It’ll be available as soon as the scientists I’ve hired can bring the stink down to the level of a landfill.

The candidate promised he’d look into Duke and the Ku Klux Klan which he’s heard may have some issues. When told that the Klan was the group that wore white hoods and robes Trump roared, “I love white robes!”

Sid pressed on telling Trump that the Klan also burned crosses in front of churches and synagogues. Trump said, “The fire thing… not so good, but burning crosses in front different denominational houses of worship seems fair and balanced to me. Still, I’ll check them out. How do you spell KKK?’’

Trump then walked into the hotel lobby where he knocked down a woman who was trying to get to a mirror before him.

The Editor – Ken Hecht

REEFER MADNESS

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Vermont, a state somewhere on the east coast, is close to toking its way to hell. Their Democratic State Senate has signed off on a bill legalizing marijuana. The Gazette supports right wing extremism in opposing all mood altering substances like pot, oxy and kale.

We’ve long known that all pot users are Democrats who are guided by the classic Cindy Lauper song, “Liberals Just Want to Have Fun.” Democrats cannot comprehend the value of wiping out people’s pleasure.

The Vermont bill as it stands now is UN-American. It clearly favors small growers over large commercial ones. Our deeply encrusted and poorly thought out dogma clearly states that the rich and wealthy must always be favored over the less fortunate. That is why we always root for Goldman Sach’s softball team over the Special Olympics team. Unfortunately, this season, the Special Olympics team has beaten Goldman’s 23 straight times.

The flimsy argument always offered by pot supporters is that since we can’t stop the illegal distribution and sale of marijuana, we should legalize it. We know it can’t be stopped, but we can supply a solution. Just do what we do with hunger, poverty and the inequality of women’s wages; pretend they don’t exist.

Donald Trump has shown us that pretending things don’t exist is a useful discipline for other things such as his illegitimate children. In the candidate’s defense, he has bought an island in the Pacific for them to live on. It should also be noted that he gives them all a break on their rent.

We must continue to guide Americans away from pot by any means necessary. Even if it means making a drastic cut in the price of liquor.

The Editor – Ken Hecht (sober until about 8PM)