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Month: March 2016

TOWN MEETING

 

If we didn’t have serious enough doubts about Donald Trump being a genuine right wing extremist, we do now. At last night’s Town Hall in Wisconsin, Trump talked about the importance of education for the poor and healthcare for everyone. Come on Don, what happened to the mean-spiritedness that has oozed from your pores daily, covering America like “The Blob?” Or was that just to have people associate you with the very cool Steve McQueen? There is no similarity other than your mouth being faster than the Mustang McQueen drove in “Bullitt”

Another sin you committed last night was saying that America should reduce its contribution to NATO. You drew boos and backtracked, saying you’d continue the support if they changed their name to TRUMPO. Forget it, Donald, your true colors have shown through.

The candidate also said he wants to give nukes to Japan, South Korea and Saudi Arabia because, “They’re going to get them anyway.” This caused a furor aimed at The Fuehrer. Herr Donald then reimagined the plan saying, “Forget it. I’ll just build a wall around each country. I love walls. I paint walls. I have the best walls, not to mention my socks and belts.”

THE GAZETTE has a difficult time imagining ever supporting Trump. But rest assured that we will continue to cover him in the most biased way possible. It’s what we do.

Ted’s probably our man. He once again displayed his innate cruelty and rigid disregard for the problems of 99% of Americans. He well may be the person to lead our country back to its malignant, social indifference.

The Editor – Ken Hecht                                                                                              (waiting excitedly for our return to “I’ve got mine, screw you.”)

 

 

SIMPLE BATTERY

 

Trump Campaign Manager, Corey Lewandowski, was arrested today in Florida. He was charged with “simple battery in a humid climate.” The complaint was brought by Breitbart News reporter Michelle Fields. Lewandowski’s first response was that Michelle Fields was delusional. Not exactly breaking news there, Corey. She works for Andrew Breitbart. Of course she’s delusional.

Coming quickly to his campaign manager’s defense, Trump said that Michelle Fields had an axe to grind with him because she was Megyn Kelly’s illegitimate daughter by a man well known to the NSA. It was pointed out to the candidate that based on their respective ages this was not possible.

Trump: “Their birth certificates are bogus because both were born in the same hospital as Barack Obama, “Kenya Doctors and Fibbers Memorial.” Asked what he thought about the pictures of multiple, purple bruises on Field’s arm, The Donald responded, “Field’s is a known compulsive self-squeezer who should trim her nails.”

Trump pivoted, emphatically stating that his campaign manager had not broken any laws. When informed that it’s a criminal offense in Florida to touch anyone without their permission, Trump exclaimed, “That can’t possibly apply to women, can it?”

A reporter asked if that comment wasn’t further evidence of his disdain for women. Trump defended himself with, “If I have any disdain for women, it’s only for the ones who haven’t married me.”

The other candidates responded. Ted Cruz said that this was just another example of the Trump campaign’s sanctioned violence. John Kasich also commented, but who cares?

EDITOR’S NOTE: “The Right Wing Gazette” believes that actual facts may have appeared in this article. For that, we apologize.

Ken Hecht

 

 

SECRET NEGOTIATION

A clandestine meeting between Donald Trump and Ted Cruz took place this past weekend. Trump, holding up a picture of his wife wearing some clothes, offered to end their fight if Cruz would admit Melania is better looking than Heidi and also that she has more estrogen than Mrs. Cruz.

Cruz turned darker than usual warning Trump that he had his Republican Convention ready .45 tucked into the back of his pants. Trump’s eighteen private security guards, all named Vince, immediately produced their automatic weapons. Trump waved them off, saying, “Don’t worry. If he goes for the gun, he’ll probably blow his ass off. Cruz countered with, “You mean I’ll blow my Trump off.”

Cruz told the New Yorker that it’s up to them to save the Republican Party.  Trump looked confused and asked, “Why would I want to save them?” Then, looking around the room, he spotted the “Whites Only” drinking fountain and remembered what he was running as.

Cruz said he’d drop things if Trump would say that Heidi is the most beautiful woman in politics. Trump responded with “Impossible. Are you forgetting about Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachman and Lindsey Graham? Now, if you’re smart, you’ll accept my offer.” “NO! A thousand times NO,” bellowed Cruz.

Trump, highly allergic to hearing the word, “No” immediately developed a rash on his right cheek. He pulled down his pants allowing Ben Fiske, his long time calamine lotion consultant, to apply the calming fluid to the pitchfork shaped rash.

Trump then said, “Last offer, Ted. If you do what I ask, I’ll stay away from your wife’s beans.”

Enraged, Cruz stormed out. Chuckling, Trump stood up and walked towards the “Whites Only” water fountain while whistling Zippity Doo Dah.

Your Editor – Ken Hecht