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Month: April 2016

UNHOLY UNION

 

Yesterday, Ted Cruz announced that Carly Fiorina will be his VP running mate. He told his audience that they are a perfect fit because they plan to torment the same minorities. Before he could get started, Cruz had to shoot down the rumor that his family is upset because he chose Fiorina and not someone of the same species.

Cruz began explaining his choice by saying, “The thing that qualifies her to be Vice President most is that “Carly Fiorina figured out the proper place to pee by the time she was eighteen.” His supporters slapped their enlarged foreheads, expressing their approval.

The frenzied supporters, some of whom had begun molting, were told that if they really want to approve the blessed union of Ted and Carly, the new couple is registered at “Stalins, Purveyors of Fine Hate.” They are hoping to get dishes featuring The Gulags of Russia.

To draw attention away from Trump, the couple will have a formal commitment event that will include a religious ceremony to be performed by Cruz’s father, Raphael, who Skypes regularly with God. Standing by Fiorina’s side will be the Grim Reaper’s wife, Shirley Reaper. Standing next to Cruz will be Benito Mussolini. The Senator wanted Hitler, but he refused, saying “If elected, Ted Cruz will give dictators a bad name.”

YOUR EDITOR – KEN HECHT

FAKEOVER

As reported here third, Donald Trump had agreed to try and fool America into believing that he can alter his temperament. A temperament that is repugnant to members of the human race as well as to Ted Cruz. Many doubt that the candidate has the capacity to evolve, but an aide told us, “Of course he does. When Donald was fifteen, he was able to stop drowning cats, except on weekends.”

Trump sat down and an esthetician immediately arrived with a jar of Estee Lauder anti-sneer cream. She generously applied it to Trump’s lips that were pointing in different directions.  Trump was then shown a training film on how people interact with each other in a courteous fashion. He pulled a muscle laughing.

Next, Trump was told that he needed to back up his stance on water-boarding by being water-boarded himself. That way he could speak with authority on its effectiveness. Upset that his lips were now covered with pimples, he refused their request.

His new advisers dug their heels in. Eventually a compromise was reached with Trump reluctantly agreeing to be caviar-boarded. An aide was dispatched to get crackers.

After weathering the fish egg onslaught, Trump’s campaign manager warned him that he had to stop attacking people in such a childish manner. Trump responded, “You’re doody head.”

The room fell silent until Trump’s humanity-coach, Butch, spoke up. “Why not just insult Lithuanians? Nobody cares about them.” Trump responded, “No way. I know Lithuanians. I know the best Lithuanians.”  Then a thought crossed his mind, causing him to smile broadly and say, “I don’t know any Latvians.” The room erupted in applause.

Seconds later, everyone started eating caviar off the floor.

Your Editor – Ken Hecht

 

 

 

POW WOW

 

Yesterday’s breakfast meeting between John Kasich and Ted Cruz began with both men shaking hands while holding the middle finger of their left hands behind their backs.

Sitting down, Kasich demanded to know why Cruz had ordered pancakes for both of them. The Texan explained that sometimes Jesus appears to him on pancakes. “Do you pour syrup on Jesus?” asked Kasich. “No, he doesn’t like that, but he doesn’t mind butter.”

Kasich got down to business saying that after their recent ass-kicking, it would be wise to join forces against Trump. Both men declared their hatred for Trump. Cruz needled Kasich saying, “You can’t possibly hate Trump or anyone else more than me.” “And why is that?” queried Kasich. Cruz responded, “Because nobody is filled with more self-loathing than I am.” “That’s understandable,” said Kasich. Cruz further provoked the Ohioan, telling him that one of his biggest faults was that, “You’re a couple of quarts low on hatred.”

Beginning to fume and in attempt to control his anger, Kasich poured maple syrup on his tongue and then shoved a pancake in there. Taunting Cruz, Kasich asked, “Do you have any floss? I think I’ve got Jesus stuck in my teeth.”

Cruz didn’t take the bait, but chided Kasich for not taking an appropriately, close-minded stance on transgender-urinating-locales. Kasich admitted that he has a difficult time despising minorities. Cruz claimed that you don’t have to despise a minority to deprive them of their rights. “In fact, I appreciate transgenders. I mean, how often do we get the opportunity to oppress an entirely new minority? What a rush.”

After finishing breakfast in silence, the two men stood up, shook hands and wished each other ill.

Your Editor – Ken Hecht