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Month: June 2016

BYE BYE TEXAS

With yesterday’s 5-3 Supreme Court ruling overturning Texas’ restrictive abortion law, the state had its “Popeye moment,” screaming in unison, “That’s all I can stand ‘cause can’t stands no more.” The Lone Star State is going to secede from America. Celebrations have broken out across the land.

Texas’ favorite felon and current head of the State’s Commission to Attract More Tourism and Bigotry, Tom DeLay, is the movement’s leader. Said he, “If we can’t pass our religious bulls***t laws depriving women of their rights, then we can no longer protect our cherished values of close-mindedness and ignorance. If we accept this ruling, how long can it be until the men of Texas lose their right to domestic abuse?”

Former governor Rick Perry, as soon as he looked up the meaning of the word, “secede,” immediately joined the movement. He asked Delay to get him involved at the highest level. Delay told Perry that he has enough confidence in him to put him in charge of packing up the barbecue sauce.

DeLay was asked where all the Texans will be going. The former disgraced congressman said, “Ted Cruz, who goes to the same gun range as God, will be parting the Gulf of Mexico, which will allow us to march to the Yucatan peninsula. We’ll settle once we run the Mexicans off their land again. It should be great fun.”

It’s been rumored that once Texas is vacant, Donald Trump may build a massive theme park there called “Hate World”. It will feature “Thief Land” and a humongous water slide where white people will be able to bring their minorities, push them off the 60-foot tall slide and watch them enjoy the thrill ride which will open into a brick wall.
Ken Hecht

PARANOIA

Donald Trump’s campaign is nearly broke. It is receiving less aid than the Titanic did, so he has vowed to self-fund. Trump is angry at being turned down because he’s only heard the word “no” four times in his life. All four came from a little old lady, Vera Coking, in Scotland, who once refused to sell him her property.

Trying to persuade her, the mogul sent Coking a dozen Trump steaks. She met a terrible end while trying to eat one. The poor woman couldn’t soften up the meat enough to swallow it. Her death certificate listed the cause of her demise as: “chewed self to death.”

When asked about his trouble raising money, Trump said it was because Jeb Bush was behind a campaign to keep him from the nomination. He said he had evidence Daffy Duck had been badmouthing him to the Koch Brothers. Trump mocked the beloved duck’s handicap by lisping during the rest of the interview.

I asked Trump if he might not be getting paranoid.

I got the one finger salute as he switched topics, saying he will begin offering “inthentives” to get Republicans to donate to his campaign. Those incentives include scholarships to Trump University. He promised that this time, “thum” of his professors will have high school diplomas.

Paul Ryan’s name came up. Trump is furious that he told delegates not to go against their conscience. “Consciences have no playth in politics… or anywhere else. I wath lucky. I wath born without one, no scruples or empathy, either. Talk about good genes…”

A writer for Psychology Today brought up the topic of paranoia again.

Trump flew into a blind rage, cursing like crazy. As his arms flailed, the little steel balls he’d been rattling in his hand dropped to the floor. Said Trump, “Oh thit.”

Ken Hecht

YOU’RE FIRED

Donald Trump’s campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski, was abruptly fired and escorted out of Trump Tower by guards yesterday. A Trump spokesman said, “We thank Corey for his contribution and wish him minimal luck in the future.”

Trump was asked why he’d fired his campaign manager. His answer was, “If I don’t fire someone, ruin their life actually, every month, I start to feel like a vampire who’s low on blood. And it causes me to get very depressed when I learn that 70% of America doesn’t like me. Do I have to put everyone in this damn country on my payroll so they’ll blow smoke up my ass and tell me how great I am?”

Lewandowski, taking the high road, spoke glowingly about the candidate. During his speech, he kept reaching behind his back trying to remove the knife. While doing so, he thanked Trump for taking an amateur hater like himself and teaching him how to hate with the best of them. He added, “Just last month, Donald awarded me the coveted “Adolph Hitler Award for Rampant Psychosis.”

“Ding dong the witch is dead,” tweeted one staffer. It’s no secret that Lewandowski was never well-liked within the campaign or by his mother.

It has been reported that Trump’s daughter Ivanka wanted him fired. She’s held a grudge ever since Lewandowski mistook her for a reporter and tried to throw her off the 50th floor of Trump Tower.

Lewandowski closed by saying, “Leaving the campaign will give me the opportunity to spend more time with my family if I can find out where they’ve moved to.”

Ken Hecht