Navigation

Month: July 2016

HERO

With Democratic speakers cleaning his clock this week, Donald Trump flew Vladimir Putin in for a secret meeting. To avoid being seen, the dictator and the dictator-wannabe entered Trump Tower disguised as human beings.

Once in his apartment, Trump sat on his golden throne and Putin sat on his horse.

TRUMP: Vladimir, you’re my favorite human rights oppressor since Paul Pot.

PUTIN: It’s Pol Pot, not Paul Pot… and he was never the governor of New Jersey.

TRUMP: No? Whatever. I just want to reward you with a special gift to cement our future collusion.

PUTIN: And I’ll be glad to return the favor.

TRUMP: I’d really like a gross of those poison-tipped umbrellas you use.

PUTIN: Done deal. Like America, we have no problem letting insane people have lethal weapons. You certainly qualify.

TRUMP: Thanks for noticing… What would you like?

PUTIN: Well, could I have Ivanka?

TRUMP: Vladimir, she’s already married. And frankly if any older man is going to have her, it’s going to be me.

PUTIN: I can respect that, but don’t you have another daughter?

TRUMP: Not one I want to sleep with that much… But, yes, I do have another one, Sarah, no, Emily, uh, Deana maybe… let me get back to you on that… Here’s what I need to talk to you about. It’s come to my attention that almost 200 of my subjects don’t like me. How do I deal with them?

PUTIN: Build a gulag in the Everglades.

TRUMP: So the snakes and wild animals will kill them.

PUTIN: Right. But if they don’t, the humidity will.

TRUMP: Listen, if I can’t remember the other daughter’s name, how would you like the Baltic States, Austria and Detroit?

Putin: It’s a start.

Ken Hecht

LOSE CANNON

Freaked by Donald Trump’s treasonous request for Russia to continue hacking into Hillary Clinton’s emails, Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan sought advice from Dr. Michael Green, founder of Miami’s prestigious “Shut the F**K Up Clinic.”

RYAN: We really need help Dr. Green

GREEN: That’s obvious from your party’s platform.

RYAN: No, we’re trying to find out what’s wrong with Donald Trump.

GREEN: I see… Well, since he seems less and less able to control the stupidity and venom that he emits on a daily basis, I fear it may be an untreatable disease known as Mouthkinsons.

McCONNELL: Dr. Green, we’re desperate. He’s got me so upset that I can barely concentrate on how best to deprive non-white people of their rights.

RYAN: If Mitch can’t abuse minorities, he might as well be a Democrat.

GREEN: You know, like many parts of the body when abused, the tongue can break down from the stress of overuse and age much faster than it should. It can be fatal.

Ryan: Really, is that true?

GREEN: In about 10% of cases.

McCONNELL: Only 10%? Crap.

GREEN: Another symptom of this condition is drooling. Have you ever seen him drool?

McCONNELL: Just when he’s near Ivanka.

GREEN: Hmm… Sorry gentlemen, but I really don’t think I can help you.

They thanked Dr. Green. As they headed for the door:

McCONNELL: There must be something we can do to shut him up.

RYAN: Hey, does your wife still have that nail gun you gave her for your anniversary?

The Senate Majority Leader nodded and immediately reached for his flip phone.

Ken Hecht

GOOD OL’ JOE

Donald Trump, the political equivalent of a goiter, has begun seeking advice on how to sink even lower than he already has. His séance advisor, Barbara Allen Poe, arranged a séance for him with disgraced Republican Senator Joseph McCarthy, who is now an event planner in hell.

Contact was made. McCarthy was, 59 years after his death, still in an ugly mood.

McCarthy: What the hell are you doing palling around with that commie Putin?

Trump: I don’t see the problem. A week after I’m elected, Poland’s his.

McCarthy: I don’t like you, but your persecution of Hispanics and Muslims tells me you’ve got potential.

Trump: Joe, you’re slurring your words. Still a hopeless drunk, aren’t you?

McCarthy: I tried to stop when I got here, but hell’s “no-step program” didn’t help. What do you want and make it fast? It’s almost un-happy hour down here.

Trump: I’ve admired you ever since the Senate condemned you for your, “inexcusable, reprehensible, vulgar and insulting conduct.” I think I have those covered, but I know I still haven’t fulfilled my potential as a low-life. I’d like to add “wicked and heinous” to those compliments you received. Any pointers for me?

McCarthy: Well, it might help if you got some instruction from an insane woman who’s always drunk and has fifty illegitimate grandchildren.

Trump: Great. I’ll give Sarah Palin a call.

McCarthy: I’ve got to run.

Trump: One last thing. What’s the temperature like down there?

McCarthy: It’s always about 220 degrees. But it’s a dry heat.

Ken Hecht