Navigation

Month: August 2016

WHACK JOB

 

Ultra, extreme right wing and  bat-s**t crazy former congresswoman Michelle Bachman yesterday told us that, “God raised up Donald Trump to be the GOP nominee.” She then pointed at the sky and said, “It looks like rain. Let God’s tears, caused by Hillary Clinton, be upon you but not frizz your hair.”

Bachmann made her announcement on K-BIBLE, a Christian network that broadcasts from a manger in New Jersey.

She went on to say that she came to her conclusion after reading from “The Book of Daniel” which teaches us that “The most high God lifts up who HE will and takes down who HE will.”

Asked to explain that for the English-speaking audience, Bachmann referred us to Pat Robertson’s online gift shop where we could find the explanation in Kanye West’s newest book, “Yo God, What Up, Dude?”

Bachmann informed us that every purchase from Robertson’s store came with “saintly points” that can be redeemed in any one of heaven’s eighteen thousand WalMarts.

The topic turned to the election. The pious woman told us that she rejects claims that Trump is a racist. She also denied that she’s a bigot, saying, “I don’t hate Blacks or Jews any more than necessary. In fact I once had both a Black friend and a Jewish one. We got along well until they married each other and I burned their home down… Man, talk about no sense of humor.”

She told us, “I met Donald Trump at a Rich Lives Matter Most conference and I know he will be a great leader because he’s as smart as I am.”

I asked her, “Do you miss your seat in congress?

She responded, “No silly. I still have the same seat. Doesn’t it look cute in this dress?”

Ken Hecht

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

RUDY

Former New York Mayor and current rabid public snarler, Rudy Giuliani, awoke in the middle of the night needing to urinate. After returning from the window, he carefully stepped across the moat surrounding his bed.

Losing his balance, his right foot landed in the water. His security piranhas bit him relentlessly before he could free his foot. The piranhas died immediately.

Bleeding badly, Giuliani screamed out in pain, waking the hooker, Christina Christie, he’d spent the night with. Christina wore an eye patch and also had a stuffed parrot on her shoulder. Giuliani often had pirate fantasies that included either Johnny Depp or Debbie Wasserman.

The working girl had charged him her normal, “sex with a psycho” fee, but demanded and got more when she saw the picture of Donald Trump in a Speedo hanging above his bed.

Giuliani said, “Aye girlie, would ye get a towel for me foot?”  Seeing economic opportunity, Ms. Christie told him that towel service would cost an extra $500. Not wanting to bleed on his new area rug with Erwin Rommel’s face on it, he agreed and pointed to his wallet.

The prostitute took the five hundred dollars and taped it to her wooden leg.

Just then “his honor” began having difficulty breathing and clutched at his chest. He managed to say, “CPR.”

Ms. Christie immediately held her hand out. He nodded towards his wallet. She took his last $500 and taped it to her other wooden leg.

Christina made Giuliani rinse with Scope before administering CPR that returned his breathing to normal. She wrapped a towel around his foot and applied pressure. The bleeding began to subside. She waved her emergency services fee and dialed 911.

Giuliani thanked her and said, “Same time Saturday?”

Christina: See you then, Sugar.

 

Ken Hecht

 

 

FOOTSIE

Donald Trump, concerned that his new campaign CEO Stephen Bannon will soon join his gallery of fired sleazebags, convened a meeting with his most trusted advisors, his children.

The billionaire informed his kids that the press is reporting that Bannon was once arrested for domestic abuse, and that the media was portraying it as a bad thing.

IVANKA:  Domestic violence is a bad thing and you-

Just then she wailed, “Dad, stop playing footsie with me under the table.”

TRUMP: Come on, Sweetheart. It’s non-sexual footsie. I still have my socks on.

IVANKA: “Just knock it off. “And listen, that low-life Bannon also said that it was okay to hit your wife if you do it out of love.”

Trump: OMG. What if he’s right?

Donald Jr.: Dad, he’s not-

TRUMP: I’ve never hit any of my wives. What if they thought I didn’t love them?… Find Melania and tell her to bring an ice pack.

Eric said, “Dad, nobody’s seen her since the convention.”

Ivanka: She’s hired a makeup artist to change her appearance.

Trump: You’re kidding.

Ivanka: You remember when you met with Chris Christie last week?

Trump: Yes.

Ivanka: That was her.

Donald Jr. got the meeting back on track by pointing out that they better get Bannon’s replacement ready.

Trump: Right. We have to choose someone I can relate to.

ERIC: Dad, we don’t have time to find a serial killer.

Trump: Okay. Then we should check out the pictures in the Post Office.

Eric started to respond when Ivanka shrieked, “Damn it, dad. Stop it with the footsie.”

Her father responded, “Okay, okay. I’ll put my socks back on.”

 

Ken Hecht