Ultra, extreme right wing and bat-s**t crazy former congresswoman Michelle Bachman yesterday told us that, “God raised up Donald Trump to be the GOP nominee.” She then pointed at the sky and said, “It looks like rain. Let God’s tears, caused by Hillary Clinton, be upon you but not frizz your hair.”
Bachmann made her announcement on K-BIBLE, a Christian network that broadcasts from a manger in New Jersey.
She went on to say that she came to her conclusion after reading from “The Book of Daniel” which teaches us that “The most high God lifts up who HE will and takes down who HE will.”
Asked to explain that for the English-speaking audience, Bachmann referred us to Pat Robertson’s online gift shop where we could find the explanation in Kanye West’s newest book, “Yo God, What Up, Dude?”
Bachmann informed us that every purchase from Robertson’s store came with “saintly points” that can be redeemed in any one of heaven’s eighteen thousand WalMarts.
The topic turned to the election. The pious woman told us that she rejects claims that Trump is a racist. She also denied that she’s a bigot, saying, “I don’t hate Blacks or Jews any more than necessary. In fact I once had both a Black friend and a Jewish one. We got along well until they married each other and I burned their home down… Man, talk about no sense of humor.”
She told us, “I met Donald Trump at a Rich Lives Matter Most conference and I know he will be a great leader because he’s as smart as I am.”
I asked her, “Do you miss your seat in congress?
She responded, “No silly. I still have the same seat. Doesn’t it look cute in this dress?”