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Month: September 2016

ADULTERY

Donald Trump, furious after getting his ass, which is often mistaken for his face, kicked by a woman in a debate, has threatened to go after Bill Clinton’s infidelities in the next presidential debate.

His advisors subtly asked him not to go there by saying, “Don’t go there, moron.” But Donald Trump is committed to promoting adultery. He first committed it at twelve years of age when his was unfaithful to his favorite pillow with a sofa cushion. His pillow, Estelle, caught on when she saw the sofa cushion wearing expensive jewelry.

Trump showed no empathy when Estelle developed a drinking problem.

Trump’s commitment to unfaithfulness grew over the years and he eventually won an election that made him President of Philanderers Local 165 of the International Adulterers Union.

The Republican candidate is proud that his portrait, paid for by funds from his nonexistent veterans’ charity, hangs next to portraits of Clint Eastwood, King Henry the Eighth and Secretariat.

Trump often brags about the good works Local 165 does. He seems most pleased with a program he instituted, “The Used Condom Recycling Initiative.” It benefits adulterers who earn less than thirty-five thousand dollars a year. Each condom has Trump’s face on it.

Showing that he cares about the poorest philanderers among us, the Trump Corporation is now building seventy-five Adultery 6 motels across the country.

Always thinking of what he can do to make America better, the billionaire also plans to build fifty Adultery 6 Express Motels for destitute premature ejaculators. All the somewhat sanitary rooms will come with complimentary coffee, crackers and anti-itch cream.

The Motel’s slogan will be, “We’ll keep a light off for you.”

 

Ken Hecht

TRUMP’S CREDIT

At the end of Monday night’s debate, Donald Trump demanded credit for not personally attacking the Clinton family, which by the way, he leads in divorces 2-0, and in cheating working people out of their money 200,000 – 0.

I’m happy to give Trump credit for not attacking the Clintons and sinking even further into the sewer he calls his life. Trump’s need to be lauded for everything he does owes to his upbringing. His parents had all of his six hundred and fifty  nannies praise Donald for accomplishing things as outstanding as eating an apple and causing his classmates to only need partial amputations.

The praise that he most appreciated was given when he turned thirty and stopped wetting his bed.

Knowing Trump was, after the debate, feeling even lower than his ethics, I decided to pay it forward by sending him a $50 credit for Costco. He seemed pleased and said he would use his credit online to purchase his favorite tanning lotion, Revlon’s Agent Orange.

His spirits lifted by our gift, he went back to campaigning. Having his hand on the pulse of the American voter, he addressed one of the nation’s most pressing issues: The weight 1996’s Miss Universe Alicia Machado gained.

Someone pointed out that Trump has gained a lot of weight during the campaign. He claimed it wasn’t fat, but loose muscle.

He was asked what he would do if Ivanka gained forty pounds.

Trump:  “If Ivanka porked out… I guess I wouldn’t want to date her anymore. But don’t forget, I have another daughter.”

All of a sudden, all the reporters present felt the need for a shower.

 

Ken Hecht

 

 

 

 

DEBATE CASUALTY REPORT

 

Not since the tragic casualty reports of the Vietnam War have we seen one as horrific as the one emanating from Donald Trump’s performance at last night’s Presidential Debate. His behavior is being compared to a balloon with helium escaping from it, only less controlled.

Hospitals were inundated with cases of Kool Aid-drinking Trump supporters, who, after watching him implode last night, showed up demanding to be humanely put down. Only the ones smart enough to have purchased Obama-care were, after paying their deductibles, euthanized.

The remainder were sent to the parking lot where they were provided with bats, chains and machetes to put themselves out of their misery.

Thousands of sensitive Democrats were admitted to mental wards, their personalities disintegrating from the constant battering of watching a man put his foot in his mouth and having it come out his ass.

Most of them were speaking gibberish and the staff initially thought that they’d been inundated by Trump clones. The Dems were heavily sedated, but they were still able to mark Hillary Clinton’s name on their absentee ballots and draw a middle finger next to Trump’s.

The greatest amount of casualties occurred when Trump spoke. Many of his voters became so excited that they accidentally pulled the triggers on the guns they were fondling. Many were mortally wounded because their guns were loaded with NRA-approved, cop killing bullets.

The NRA issued a statement calling the victims patriots and boasting that they still have their second amendment rights even if they no longer have heads.

When Trump was told about the tragic deaths, he thought for a second and replied, “Damn, I’m good looking.”

 

Ken Hecht