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Month: October 2016

JAMES COMEY

In March, 2004, Vice President Dick Cheney took time out from tying widows to railroad tracks and ordered feckless Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez and White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card to go to the hospital where Attorney General John Ashcroft was gravely ill.

The henchmen arrived to find Ashcroft weak and incoherent. Darth Cheney had ordered them to get Ashcroft’s signature in order to reauthorize President George Bush’s warrant-less surveillance program.

Learning of this, James Comey, then U.S. Deputy Attorney General, raced to the hospital. Arriving in time, he found Abbott and Costello forcing a pen into the barely conscious Ashcroft’s hand with the intent of forcing his signature onto the re authorization. Comey put an end to it. For this, he was rightfully lauded.

Fortunately for America Ashcroft survived and saved the nation by putting drapes over the nude statues in the Justice building. But enough reminiscing about the happy-go-lucky Bush-Cheney years.

Comey, now the Director of the FBI, eleven days before the election, saw fit to ignore the FBI’s long standing tradition of not interfering in Presidential elections by trying to tie, without any evidence, the emails of Anthony (check out my underwear) Weiner and his wife, who is Hillary Clinton’s top aide, to Clinton.

The Director seems to have made his choice in the election, perhaps in hopes of retaining his job. Trump could keep Comey on if he gets Vladimir Putin’s permission.

I have no doubt that patriotic Tea-Party Congressman Trey Gowdy will take a moment off from befouling Christianity, get off his cross and investigate Comey’s actions.

Perhaps Comey didn’t mean to influence the election. Perhaps he just had a lapse of judgment. Sort of like Hillary Clinton’s in deciding to use private servers. No doubt Comey would receive the same fair treatment she did from noted hair style icon Gowdy.

Whether Comey intended to or not, he has unjustly damaged the only candidate who’s qualified to be President, the only candidate with a shred of decency and the only candidate who isn’t a sociopath.

 

Ken Hecht

SOULED OUT

Snakes molt by shedding their skin. Evidently it’s molting season in the Republican Party, as some of their senators and congressman who previously rejected voting for Trump are now shedding their morals and going the toxic dump route, saying they will now vote for him.

Chief among them is holier than thou Utah Congressman Jason Chaffetz, a man so full of himself that his Kaopectate bills are astronomical.

His decision to 86 his soul for Trump came only nineteen days after he said he could never vote for him based on the “Access Hollywood” bus tape.

Chaffetz had called Trump’s words vile and disgusting and said that if he voted for Trump he could never look his fifteen year old daughter in the eye again. He’s been wearing disguises around the house in hopes of avoiding her.

Before reaching his decision Chaffetz sought advice on how to vote. An educated man, he relied, as he often does, on his Ouija board. He and his wife asked it if he should vote for Trump and the board spelled out, “Are you fu**ing nuts?”

The Devil sent his favorite, rabid emissary , Rudy Giuliani  to see the Congressman. The former Mayor of New York, after wiping the foam from his mouth, proudly told Chaffetz that he would now be spending eternity in hell and that he’d live on the same rung as himself, Trump, Hitler and Heather Bresch who raised the price on Epi Pens.

Chaffetz asked if Chris Christie would also be there. Giuliani told him, “No, Chris has to live on the rung that has a buffet table surrounded by a piranha filled moat.”

Chaffetez’s fifteen year old daughter walked into the room. He said “hello” to her knees.

Ken Hecht

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

FAMILY TIES

Feeling that some quiet family time was needed, Ivanka Trump invited most of her siblings and her father to a private get-together. Her father did not attend and was miffed at her for trying to take him away from promoting his new hotel in D.C.

Ivanka: He yelled at me for forgetting that his business is more important than all of us put together. He was angry, but then I showed him my panties and all was forgiven. He’s the best.

Eric: You know, I remember the very first time I met him. It was at my eleventh birthday party. He brought me a pink dress with the price tag still on it.

Donald Jr.: A pink dress?

Eric: He said he thought I was a girl. I started to cry. Right after he stopped twisting my ear lobe he put his arm around me, pulled me close and whispered, “Son, which one is your mother?”

Donald Jr.: Did you guys know that while I was in college dad hired the best tutors for me, and people who knew big words to write my essays.  How else could I have graduated with straight C’s?

Ivanka: Dad’s so fun. When I was nine, I told him that I wanted go to the rodeo. He didn’t want to go, but he loved me so much he took me anyway. I really enjoyed it and dad seemed to as well, especially the calf groping contest.

Just then Jared Kushner, Ivanka’s husband, arrived wrapped in a torah.

Everyone stared at him, quizzical looks on their faces.

Kushner: I thought this was a Come-as-a-Jew party.

Ivanka: No, that’s next week. Take off your torah, darling.

Jared: I can’t. I’m not wearing anything under it. It helps me feel closer to God.

 

Ken Hecht