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Month: November 2016

EVANGELICAL HYPOCRITE

Donald Trump’s advisors have done a good job of covering up the fact that a few candidates have turned down Trump’s cabinet offers with excuses like, “I have to wash my hair every day until 2020” and “I just signed up for a four year Brazilian.”

It has leaked out that an offer to be Secretary of Education was rejected by evangelical Reverend Jerry Falwell Jr., President of Liberty University, the world’s largest Christian University. Liberty specializes in turning out some of America’s most closed minds. Minds that will never ask a question deeper or more probing than, “What’s for dinner?”

Falwell Jr. was an early supporter of Trump, the world’s biggest non-religious heathen other than Satan. Trump, of course had long admired Falwell Jr. for being a leader in the popular Christianity for Profit movement.

Trump brought Falwell and his family to Trump Tower and offered him the Education Secretary position.

Falwell, impressed by shiny and shallow things (Trump in particular),  gushed to reporters about how the billionaire allowed his family to watch his big screen TV, offered them lunch and personally served the family burgers and fries from Wendy’s. Falwell was also ecstatic that when Trump dropped a burger in his sixteen-year-old daughter’s lap, he cleaned it up himself.

This evangelical with a blind spot the size of Texas regretfully turned Trump down, saying, “I have a potentially fatal allergy to educating minorities.”

After leaving the meeting, Falwell blathered on about how he never admired anyone as much the President-elect. To drive his point home, Falwell then called, wrote, emailed, faxed and tweeted Trump about just how special he was.

Liberty University will now offer degrees in Selling Out Your Principles and Advanced Ass-Kissing.

 

Ken Hecht

DIS-APPOINTMENT

Chancellor-elect Donald Trump is nothing if not loyal. He appointed Steve Bannon, former head of the racist Breitbart News website, as one of his closest advisors. This was to reward him for showing Trump how to win the votes of people who used to live under rocks, but now walk among us.

The appointment of this steroidal bigot has been criticized by Democrats and Republicans alike. Trump defended his decision by saying he knew Bannon wasn’t a bigot because he only tried to set fire to Jared Kushner, his Jewish son-in-law, twice during the campaign.

The two made up when Bannon promised to stop immolating Hebraics, and concentrate only on minorities that wear a lot of flannel.

After rumors persisted that Bannon’s office walls were covered with racist memorabilia, he invited reporters in to look around. The only thing they found was a picture of Bannon accepting a “Life-Time-Achievement-Award” from the American Academy of Lynching.”

Bannon took to social media to defend himself against charges of racism by showing video of him with his Jewish girlfriend, Eva Braunstein. He also posted an ultrasound of Rolf, the baby they’re about to have.

Bannon is confused, worried and suspicious because the ultrasound shows that Rolf looks a lot like Sheldon Adelson.

Trump is also busy trying to con people into believing he’s not a bigot. When confronted with evidence that during the campaign, Derek Black, a white-nationalist was appointed to a Republican Committee seat in Palm Beach, where Trump’s resort, Mar-a-Lago is located, Trump responded by saying, “As soon as I learned Black was working in my campaign, I took away his pool privileges.”

Black’s tee-time today is 12 noon.

Ken Hecht

 

CABINET SEARCH

Donald Trump had a bigger than usual hissy fit prior to meeting with his prospective cabinet members this past weekend. His mood had turned dark after the cast of “Hamilton” viciously attacked his soon to be Vice President Mike Pence by politely asking for kindness and understanding for non-WASPS.

Trump’s mood turned even darker when he was informed that he couldn’t wipe out the Richard Rodgers Theatre and the cast of “Hamilton” with a drone until after he becomes President.

The President-elect’s most important meeting was with Mitt Romney, who is under consideration to be the new Secretary of State. Things didn’t get off to the greatest start when the intellectually curious Trump asked if he could see Romney’s Mormon underwear.

When Romney refused, Trump offered to show him Melania’s underwear.  When Mitt refused again:

Trump asked, “Mitt, do you have any dirty pictures of my wife?”

Romney: Of course not.

Trump: Ya Wanna buy some?

Romney moved the conversation on to the job he was there to talk about, wondering if Rudy Giuliani was also under consideration for it. Trump told him he’d decided against Rudy, but had found a place for him in his administration. Just then Giuliani entered and served them lunch.

Chris Christie was originally given that post, but when he’d brought lunch in, the sandwiches were partially eaten.

When, later in the day, Melania announced that she would remain in New York instead of moving to D.C., Trump immediately summoned Rogers Ailes and appointed him Secretary of Philandering.

Trump will be hiring additional lawyers to handle all suits related to Presidential rug burns.

As his meeting with Ailes ended, Trump, still upset about what happened on Broadway, brought up the cast of “Hamilton” again, asking, “Why would anyone write a play about a blender?”

 

Ken Hecht