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Month: December 2016

MORAL STANDPOINT

President-elect Trump, wanting to keep America from seeing that he’s just like Al Capone but with less compassion, has had to find quieter ways to satisfy his compulsion for stealing. Melania hasn’t yet figured out who’s been taking money from her purse.

Trump, always desperate for his daily rip-off-fix, has also taken to stealing his own gold Versace silverware and hiding it in his closet behind his eleven-foot-long ties.

Several days ago, while pilfering his eating utensils, Trump was approached by his advisors, some of whom are also stealing his silverware. Stephen Bannon doesn’t take any, but some of Melania’s pantyhose have gone missing.

Attorney General-designee Jeff Sessions, who’s been busy printing up “Colored Must Move to the Rear of the Bus” signs, squealed in pain when he sat down. He’d forgotten that he’d put one of Trump’s shrimp forks in his underwear – right next to his shrimp.

The advisors wanted Trump to make a statement saying that cutting Social Security was a good idea from a “moral standpoint.” When they presented their suggestion, Trump stared blankly for a second before asking, “What’s a moral?”

None of the right-wing extremists actually knew. Kellyanne Conway checked the dictionary on her brand new phone, the Droid Fibber-6.

When told what morals are, Trump said he never knew a person with them, but hoped that the drug companies were working on a cure for this ugly disease.

Trump said that he can gut Social Security from a “moral standpoint” because he will make it solvent by cutting out waste, fraud and abuse, which by the way are the nicknames of three of his cabinet members. Larry, Moe and Curly are three more.

“Hey everybody, look,” called Trump, “there’s a unicorn.” As everyone looked around the room he stole Kellyanne Conway’s purse.

Ken Hecht

NO-TALENT SHOW

In keeping with the reoccurring theme of his cabinet selections, there won’t be any talent at Donald Trump’s inauguration either.

A group of the President-elect’s loyalists, and others who will be bending America over a table for the next four years, met to try and figure out what performers they might be able get to appear at the Presidential gala.

Dr. Ben Carson suggested that they book the beloved kibitzer, Pat Robertson. “Did you see his special on the Bible Thumper Network? That joke he told… ‘A Jew, an African American and a Christian go hunting. The Christian shoots the Black and the Jew.”

The room broke out in uncontrollable laughter. Kellyanne Conway and Rick Perry laughed so hard that they needed a change of underwear, so they swapped with each other.

Stephen Bannon stood up, saying that he’d spoken with Trump to find out what he wanted. “It took me almost an hour, but I was able to talk him out of opening the inaugural with a human sacrifice.”

Sarah Palin stood up. “Ted Nugent told me he’ll be here and sing his newest hit, ‘Let’s Drown a Puppy, Shaboom, Shaboom.’”

She went on, “Ted is a dear. He said he would love to impregnate my daughter the whore, but at sixty-seven his semen is mostly dust and it probably won’t work.”

Small Business Administrator, wrestling queen and major Trump contributor Linda McMahon had good news to announce about Scott Baio. Baio, whose show business star burns as brightly as my plumber’s, has agreed to close the inauguration by doing the rap version of “Ave Maria” or, as it’s known in the rap world, “Ave Maria, Bitch.”

Just then, Donald Trump entered the room carrying a sacrificial altar and a can of kerosene.

 

Ken Hecht

 

 

 

EXTREME CHRISTMAS

With Donald Trump declaring Palm Beach the new religious capital of America, he decided to throw his Christmas party there at his Mar-A-Lago resort. To capture the true spirit of the holiday, Trump had a manger with the Baby Jesus, himself and Melania put on the front lawn.

Always the businessman, Trump charged $25 for people to toss the Baby Jesus around.

The party was for his new appointees, all of whom, as we know, are people who should never have been allowed to breed. Others invited were people who are paid handsomely for pretending to be his friends. This job reportedly has a higher PTSD rate than the Army.

Trump greeted everyone at the door, handing out photos of him in a Speedo and elf cap. Guests tried their best not to toss their cookies, but six pairs of Trump’s shoes were ruined.

The room was adorned with a large and beautifully decorated Christmas tree with lights, tinsel the traditional swastika on the top.

The fun began immediately when Stephen Bannon, looking as usual like he needed to be fumigated, slid down the chimney dressed as Santa Clause. The flea-infested advisor greeted the room with, “Ho-ho-ho and a Merry–” He couldn’t go on because he had to sit down and use his foot to scratch behind his ear.

The revelers, all of whom understand the needs of working people feasted on $200 an ounce caviar and Perrier-Jouet $7000 a bottle champagne.

Trump’s bash was a huge hit and the evening ended on warm note with our soon-to-be Attorney General and recent winner of the popular TV show, “America’s Got Bigots”, Jeff Sessions, singing the classic, “I’m Dreaming of a White’s Only Christmas.”

 

Ken Hecht