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Month: January 2017

CALL A PRIEST

Lost in this past weekend’s airport racist-athon was Kellyanne Conway’s expansion of the Trump Administration’s war on kindness and basic human decency.

Kellyanne awoke bright and early to prepare for her rounds on Sunday’s news shows. Knowing that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, she poured herself a bowl of her favorite cereal, Hitler Puffs.

After she’d eaten, she gave herself her daily shot of testosterone and then left for the Fox station, where she has an assigned space to park her broom.

While on the air, she told everyone that she could empathize with the people stranded in airports by Trump’s Executive Order which, she says, he thought out for almost thirty seconds before signing.

Conway said she knows what those people stuck in airports are going through because she had to wait in airports many times right after 9/11, and that sometimes the Admiral’s Club was crowded.

She added that she feels particularly bad for the trapped women because, “Like myself, the refugee women, can’t wait to get home and slip into a bubble bath.”

Conway was immediately nominated for the Steve Bannon ‘Insensitive as Hell” awards. This prestigious award has, in the past, been given to Joseph Stalin, Idi Amin, Papa Doc Duvalier and Paul Ryan.

The favorite for this year’s award was a great white shark named Sid who’d eaten twenty people. Upon learning that Kellyanne Conway was entering, Sid withdrew, stating that he had no shot to win against Satan’s prom date.

It is our sad duty to report that thanks to Kellyanne Conway, empathy and compassion are now on life-supports. A priest has been summoned.

 

Ken Hecht

 

 

 

INTERVIEW WITH A VAMPIRE

The Left Wing Gazette was able to convince not-so-much-my President Trump to sit down for an interview. We agreed that we wouldn’t write anything down or use words with more than five letters in them. Also, we had to promise to tell him how handsome he is every two minutes.

What follows is what we remember from the interview.

TLWG: Mr. Trump, people are wondering what it is that you have against Mexico. Have you had bad experiences with Mexican people?

Trump: No. When I was a child I had a number of Mexican nannies. I remember them fondly, except for the two that tried to drown me.

TLWG: It’s easy to see how that might cause a lot of resentment towards our southern neighbors.

Trump: There’s no resentment. The Swedish, Norwegian and Latvian nannies tried to drown me, too… No, wait, the Latvian tried to set fire to me.

TLWG: “Set fire to-”…  Didn’t you tell your parents?

Trump: Sure. They gave her a raise and bought her a kerosene can… Aren’t you guys forgetting something?

TLWG: What? Oh, right. You’re very handsome.

Trump: You didn’t have to say that.

TLWG: Lindsey Graham has said that your empty twenty-percent tariff threat on Mexican goods is a very bad idea.

Trump: The guy’s just bitter because no one has ever been willing to marry him. Not even homely women with multiple cats. And he’s jealous because I’ve been married three times… and just wait.

TLWG: Are you suggesting that you and Melania are having problems?

Trump: Of course not… Does anyone know how to say “Pack your bags” in Slovenian?”

TLWG: Mr. President, you claim that torture works.

Trump: It does work and it’s easy to torture people. Just ask the sixty-six million people who voted against me.

 

Ken Hecht

 

 

VOTER FRAUD

Our new Narcissist-in-Chief is claiming that he would have won the popular vote if 3-5 million illegals hadn’t voted against him. He also claims his vote total would have been higher if Democrats hadn’t suppressed the unicorn vote.

Wanting to show his appreciation for these magical figments of his imagination, Trump plans have to the winner of the upcoming Unicorn Super Bowl to dinner at the White House. Trump added that he looks forward to meeting the unicorns and to playing ring-toss with them.

Trump brushed aside the charge that he is delusional, saying that he will be launching a sweeping investigation into the voter fraud. To show just how serious he is, Trump plans to hire Jim Rockford, Columbo and Nancy Drew to find these nonexistent illegals. This impressive trio will be supervised by Howdy Doody.

The Left Wing Gazette has, on its own and with a budget of twelve dollars, already launched an investigation that has produced surprising results. Trump is right about voter fraud, and we have located the two illegals who are guilty of it.

They sat down with us on the condition that we would guarantee them anonymity. We’ve changed their surnames for obvious reasons.

We asked, “Knowing you had no right to vote in our election, you still did so. Why?”

Pedro O’Brien, still wearing his “I voted so sue me” sticker, responded first. “I felt it was my duty as a citizen of the world to vote against him. And also because he’s a ducha bolsa.

Pedro O’Brien’s wife, Juanita Wasserman, spoke up, saying, “Trump… How could America have so many morons?”

We keep wondering the same thing.

 

Ken Hecht