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Month: February 2017

STATE OF THE BUFFOON

 

With Donald Trump about to deliver his first major speech to Congress tonight, another leak has emanated from the White House, revealing that during tonight’s address the President, with help from the official Trump University dictionary that goes all the way up to the letter “L,” will be using words with up to five letters in them.

Trump has made it known that he plans to increase the military’s budget by fifty-four billion dollars.

When asked why this was necessary, the Commander and Chief shared his thinking. “My advisors, who I assure you used all of their fingers to count on, have informed me that our nuclear capacity will only allow us to kill every man, woman and child in the world twelve times over. Any superpower that I own must be able to destroy the world at least twenty times over.”

Off to the side, Kellyanne Conway, wearing a cheerleader’s uniform, jumped high in the air and shouted, “Yay annihilation.”

Trump saw this and called, “Damn it Kellyanne, didn’t I tell you to put on underwear today?”

Trump was then asked about taking money from vital domestic programs like the E.P.A. to fulfill his grandiose militaristic fantasy. He responded by saying, “My budget will have no negative effect on the ecology. In fact I give you my personal assurance that America’s drinking water will always be tasty… and chewable.”

The President was asked what effect all his military spending would have on our health care system. He said proudly, “The health of Americans is of vital importance to me and no matter what happens, I will always have money set aside for Chris Christie’s lap-band surgery.”

Chris Christie shouted, “Yay” and tried to jump in the air. He failed to launch, but did manage to give himself a hernia.

Ken Hecht

 

 

 

 

TRANSGENDER

 

This week’s rollback of transgender rights came after President Trump and members of his administration met to discuss the issue. Kellyanne Conway was allowed to attend as long as she agreed not to remove the duct tape that had been placed over her mouth a week ago. She was looking very thin.

Trump chaired the session.

Trump: “Transgender, transgender, transgender.” I’m sick of hearing about this transgender thing. Why are we having such a problem with an airline?

Anatomically correct flash cards, which caused Mr. Trump’s foot to thump, were used to explain the issue to the President.

He thought for a second and then asked, “Why are we persecuting this small group when there are so many larger minorities we can deprive of their rights?”

Steve Bannon: Mr. President, we’re going after people who don’t know what department to shop in to honor our nation’s founding fathers. Our Constitution clearly states that Americans are only to use their bladders in the presence of their genetic peers… or wildlife if they’re camping.

Trump: Has anyone seen my yo-yo?

Bannon: For what it’s worth, sir, the Constitution says nothing about putting the toilet seat down… And I interpret that to mean that the floor’s fair game, too.

Trump: I have to show that to Melania. She gets so mad because if she goes after me she has to change into rubber boots.

Kellyanne Conway held up a sign reading, “Food, please!”

Attorney General Jeff Sessions was video conferenced in from Whiteland, his plantation in Alabama where he was putting on the beloved Broadway classic, “Porgy and Bess.” He’s playing Bess.

Sessions: Mr. President, depriving transgenders of their basic bladder right will play very well with evangelicals.

Trump: How so?

Sessions: Let me quote from the Bible, sir, the Book of Pissers II. “Man shall urinatith with man and woman shall urinatith with women.”

Trump: Are you sure it says with and not, “on?”

Sessions nodded, “I am.”

Trump: Crap.

 

Ken Hecht

 

 

SWEDEN

President Donald Trump took his circus, also known as his administration, down to Palm Beach last weekend. After proclaiming to the world that something terrible had happened in Sweden last Friday, he received enormous international blowback and felt it necessary to hold a press conference today.

Trump began by making a statement.

Trump: I may have misspoken when I said something awful had happened in Sweden. My advisors have informed me that nothing happened in Sweden, ever.

Reporter 1: So you’re no longer claiming that there was a terrorist attack there?

Trump: Not yet, but we know for a fact that the terrorists who attacked Bowling Green and Atlanta are now hiding out there. We’re tracking them by following their falafel droppings.

Reporter 2: Sir, there were no terrorist attacks in Bowling Green or Atlanta. But putting that aside, I’m curious as to why terrorists would bother to go to Sweden?

Trump: Because the sun rarely shines there, so armed dark people can’t be seen. But the police, known as Sweden 5-0, have been instructed to be on the alert for people they trip over but can’t see.

Reporter 3: To switch topics, Mr. President, could you tell us how you decided on your new National Security Advisor?

Trump: Sure. He was the first person with clean urine who was willing to take the job.

Reporter 4: It’s been reported that highly qualified candidates had turned the job down because they didn’t want Steve Bannon in the room.

Trump: That’s no longer a problem. I made Bannon promise to bathe every day.

Reporter 5: And you believe he’ll do that?

Trump: He has no choice. I’ve ordered Chris Christie to give him his bath.

 

Ken Hecht