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Month: February 2017

BORSCHT

 

President Donald Trumpsky held a press conference to refute charges that he has his tongue so far up Vladimir Putin’s ass that he can taste the Russian dictator’s food.

Reporter 1: Mr. President, you seem to trust Mr. Putin completely. Can you explain why?

Trump: Vladimir has shown his friendship to me in so many ways over the years. When I held my Miss Universe Contest over there, he relaxed the sexual assault laws and all I had to do was pay a fine and leave two of the contestants behind.

Reporter 2: And that’s what your friendship is based on?

Trump: Not just that. He knows I’m such a great businessman that just last week he let me buy a fifty-percent interest in his borscht farm.

Reporter 3: “Borscht farm,” seriously?

Trump: That’s right. And he wants to be in business with me so badly that I’m also buying a half interest in his chicken dairy.

Reporter 4: Friendship aside, sir, don’t you think we need to be monitoring Russia’s actions?

Trump: Absolutely. That’s why I’ve got Sarah Palin watching the place from her kitchen.

Reporter 5: Can you comment on how you reached the decision to fire General Flynn?

Trump: I had to fire him because he overstepped his bounds and got caught lying. In my administration, that’s Kellyanne Conway’s job.

Reporter 6: And you’re satisfied with her work?

Trump: I am. She’s done and sacrificed so much for me without ever complaining once. Not even about the fact that she now looks like an anteater.

Reporter 1: Sir, you’re yet to comment on Russia’s firing of a cruise missile that was banned by a treaty signed by Ronald Regan and Mikhail Gorbachev.

Trump: Will you people ever stop with your fake news? Such a missile doesn’t exist. Use some common sense and ask yourself, “Why would the Russians name a missile after Tom Cruise?” Don’t you go to his films? He’s been killing Russians for years.

Reporter 2: That’s the movies, Mr. President. Not real life.

Trump: There’s a difference?

 

Ken Hecht

 

FLYNN’S DEPARTURE

Prior to Michael Flynn’s departure, Donald Trump sat down with his advisors to discuss the National Security honcho’s future.

As they filed into the Oval Office, Trump reached into his pocket and handed Kellyanne Conway his handkerchief and said, “Here, use this to wipe that annoying smile off your face.”

Kellyanne: I can’t, Mr. President. It’s frozen, but I’m honored to receive your hanky and will definitely use it to wipe something.

Trump: Let me start by saying that General Flynn has been very loyal to me. He and his son uncovered Hillary Clinton’s connection to that pizza parlor child sex ring.

His son-in-law Jared Kushner spoke up.

Kushner: That story was just to inflame the millions of your voters that don’t have the I.Q. of a goldfish. It wasn’t true.

Trump: I don’t care. Call me a bleeding heart liberal, but real or imaginary, I strongly believe that it’s wrong to abuse children under twelve.

Bannon: The Flynn thing is bad for us. He’s really placed himself in a compromising position.

Trump: “Compromising position”? Like what, doing it doggy style? If I don’t do it doggy style, women see my face. When they do, they usually convulse and throw up before I’m finished clipping my nails.

Reptilian like White House advisor Stephen Miller caught a fly with his tongue before speaking up.

Miller: Mr. President, no live person will have sex with me. What’s it like?

Trump: It’s hard to explain, Igor. Maybe Kellyanne can show you.

Kellyanne: What? Seriously?!!! That would be like having sex with Norman Bates.

Trump: Not smiling now, are you, Blondie?

Bannon: Sir, Prominent Republicans are saying we have to investigate this. He has to go, Mr. President.

The President sighed.

Trump: Okay. Humpty Dumpty him… Now listen. The American people can’t know about my involvement in any of this. They have to think that I don’t have a clue.

Kushner: I’m pretty sure they already do, sir.

 

Ken Hecht

 

 

 

COUNSELING SESSION

The White House released a statement saying that, after Kellyanne Conway plugged Ivanka Trump’s line of products, she received counseling for her complete lack of intelligence, tact and estrogen.

Her counseling session was led by Donald Trump’s top three ethics advisors, Rudy Giuliani, Chris Christie and, by video conference, Bernie Madoff.

Kellyanne, who can now hang her bed sheets on her nose to dry, entered.

Giuliani got right to the point, asking her if she knew what ethics are. She shook her head “no.” He turned to Christie, who gave a “who knows” shrug. Rudy asked Madoff, who replied, “I can’t talk now. I’ve got to go try on clothes for my boyfriend, Sven of the Jungle.”

Christie pulled out his phone, dialed and then barked an order into it. “Close down four of the five lanes, now!”

Giuliani: There’s nobody on the other end of the line is there, Chris?

Christie: I’m sorry. I miss being able to abuse my power and also… I’m starving. I haven’t eaten in almost twenty minutes.

Giuliani: You know, if you’d stop stuffing your face, maybe you could call off the search for your neck… Now listen, Kellyanne, I spoke to the president and while he applauds your breaking the law, he’s upset that you got caught. The bottom line is that you can’t plug anymore products.

Kellyanne: Crap. I was about to sign with Pfizer to be Preparation H’s suppository queen.

Christie: If you can’t do it, I need a job.

Kellyanne: Right, like they’re going to make a six pound suppository.

Giuliani: Knock it off, you two. Let’s get back to this ethics thing.

Kellyanne: Rudy, listen, if ethics actually exist, Amazon must have them. I can get them that way.

Giuliani: Good. We’re done.

They got up and left the room.

Bernie Madoff came back on the screen and asked, “Do you like this blouse on me?”

Ken Hecht