President Donald Trumpsky held a press conference to refute charges that he has his tongue so far up Vladimir Putin’s ass that he can taste the Russian dictator’s food.
Reporter 1: Mr. President, you seem to trust Mr. Putin completely. Can you explain why?
Trump: Vladimir has shown his friendship to me in so many ways over the years. When I held my Miss Universe Contest over there, he relaxed the sexual assault laws and all I had to do was pay a fine and leave two of the contestants behind.
Reporter 2: And that’s what your friendship is based on?
Trump: Not just that. He knows I’m such a great businessman that just last week he let me buy a fifty-percent interest in his borscht farm.
Reporter 3: “Borscht farm,” seriously?
Trump: That’s right. And he wants to be in business with me so badly that I’m also buying a half interest in his chicken dairy.
Reporter 4: Friendship aside, sir, don’t you think we need to be monitoring Russia’s actions?
Trump: Absolutely. That’s why I’ve got Sarah Palin watching the place from her kitchen.
Reporter 5: Can you comment on how you reached the decision to fire General Flynn?
Trump: I had to fire him because he overstepped his bounds and got caught lying. In my administration, that’s Kellyanne Conway’s job.
Reporter 6: And you’re satisfied with her work?
Trump: I am. She’s done and sacrificed so much for me without ever complaining once. Not even about the fact that she now looks like an anteater.
Reporter 1: Sir, you’re yet to comment on Russia’s firing of a cruise missile that was banned by a treaty signed by Ronald Regan and Mikhail Gorbachev.
Trump: Will you people ever stop with your fake news? Such a missile doesn’t exist. Use some common sense and ask yourself, “Why would the Russians name a missile after Tom Cruise?” Don’t you go to his films? He’s been killing Russians for years.
Reporter 2: That’s the movies, Mr. President. Not real life.
Trump: There’s a difference?