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Month: February 2017

SAFE SEX

Donald Trump rewarded us, “The Left Wing Gazette,” with an up-close and impersonal interview. We’ve become a Trump favorite because we, a non-existent newspaper, covered, in depth the Bowling Green massacre that never took place.

We asked the President if he wasn’t getting tired of Kellyanne Conway making both of them look foolish.

Trump responded defensively, ‘Look, dammit, I don’t need her help to make me look foolish. I do a pretty damn good job of that on my own. And if you’d like an example, just ask me.

TLWG: That’s not necessary, sir. We’ve seen your cabinet picks.

Trump: Right. Man, wasn’t Betsy DeVos the cherry on top of the proverbial turd pile?

TLWG: She definitely was… Would you care to comment on the rumor circulating about a burgeoning White House romance between Kellyanne and Steve Bannon?

Trump: Well, I have seen them making goo-goo eyes at each other and she looks  at him lovingly when she combs the lice out of his beard.

TLWG: Do you think they’re a good match?

Trump: I do. They have many things in common, like their taste in movies, and also,  they both have rabies… I know they’re physically compatible because both have had vast sexual experience with unwilling partners.

Trump began to muse, “You know, if they get married,  I’m going to honor them by making herpes the new official virus of the White House.”

TLWG: What was the previous official White House virus?

Trump: Dick Cheney.

TLWG: Do you think they’re practicing safe sex?

Trump: I hope so. I always do. In fact I’m wearing a condom now.  And it’s practically new.

 

Ken Hecht

 

 

 

 

RELIGION LITE

Showing everyone what a Godless heathen he is, Donald Trump made a mockery of this week’s National Prayer service, by mentioning Arnold Schwarzenegger more than he mentioned God.

On the advice of his advisors, Trump decided to write a more religious speech in case any of his supporters doubted his piety.

Many who attended the first prayer service were not keen to repeat the experience. Most acquiesced when the President promised to hand out free Trump steaks at the door. He guaranteed that none of his steaks would be too gray.

After striding to the podium:

Trump: I want to thank our Senate chaplain, Barry Black, for that huge prayer. I’m sure Jesus loved it just like I did… for the first five minutes. A little tip, Chaplain. Goose up your prayers. Add a little dancing, a little music… Think about hiring a devoutly religious girl group like, The Lord’s Knockers.

I just want to tell everyone that I love Jesus. How can you not? I mean, he’s almost as successful as I am, and let’s not forget, he did it all while stuck on those two large Popsicle stick things.

I can assure all of you that I always walk with God. In fact, the other day we were out for a stroll and I noticed that his hands were bleeding. I took him to a Walgreens and bought him a can of “Stigmata-Be-Gone.” And it really worked. He’s seen his last six figure band-aid bill.

I am never far from Jesus and often see his face in my morning bagel before I spread cream cheese over it.

I hope this will finally show everyone that I am a truly religious man.

All of a sudden different cuts of gray meat were flying at his head.

Trump dove behind the podium as flies began to circle. It wasn’t clear if the flies were after the steaks or Trump.

 

Ken Hecht

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

JUDICIAL JOKESTERS

President Trump, once again showing that he can’t differentiate between television and reality, and before making his decision, had his top two choices for the Supreme Court compete in a cheesy game show.

Trump stood in the middle of the stage as the ever-lovely Steve Bannon, in heels and a short skirt, led both men in and placed them on either side of Trump’s love handles.

Bannon curtsied and walked off, rolling his eyes and muttering “Jesus, what I have to do just to run this country.”

The two contestants, Judges Neil Gorsuch and Thomas Hardiman, were dressed in the spirit of the moment. Gorscuch had a red ball on his nose while Hardiman wore clown shoes. Both men had flowers pinned to their lapels.

Trump: Now, we’re here to have fun because after all this is only about an appointment to the Supreme Court. Frankly, since we already have eight of them, I don’t know why we need another one.

Hardiman and Gorsuch shrugged in agreement.

Trump: Judge Gorsuch, you get the first question.

Gorsuch turned to Trump, said, “Thank you” and squirted water from his flower at the President.

Trump: That’s great, Neil, because I think one of the most important qualities a judge can have is zaniness.

Not to be outdone, Hardiman placed his hand under his arm pit and made farting noises.

Trump roared with laughter. “Hysterical, Tom. Antonin Scalia was famous for doing that during communion… Now, just to tease the audience into sticking around, in the second half of the show, we’re going to play Pin the Tail on the Ginsburg.”

Gorsuch: You rock, Mr. President. I just knew you were going do that, so I’ve been practicing on my grandmother all week.

Hardiman: That’s not fair. I’d have done that too, but my  grandmother’s dead.

Gorsuch: So is mine.

Trump: Gorscuch, great initiative. You win the judge thing. And Justice Hardiman, if you’re a contestant for the next Supreme Court gig, keep your grandmother in mind. We’re going to play Twister.

 

Ken Hecht