When Sean Spicer was a child, he cut down the family cherry tree. His father asked him if he’d done it. Sean, his face covered in cherry juice, said, “I cannot tell a lie, mom did it.” His father replied, “Mon died last month.”
Upset with his son, Mr. Spicer lectured the boy, who at the time was rocking a bright red thigh rash, saying, “Sean, lying is wrong and there’s no place for it in America. What kind of job do you think lying could ever qualify you for?”
Young Sean was unfazed and kept right on lying. He loved it and he also loved his rash. He’s kept it to this day and often switches it between thighs.
When Spicer was twelve he volunteered to work for a Republican congressional headquarters. His main function was licking envelopes. Unfortunately, they had to let him go because he was also licking other things.
Sean put himself through college by playing Liars Poker. His distaste for the press began in 1993 when he was at Connecticut College. He wrote to the school newspaper asking that the college not enforce the its new anti-smoking rules during finals week.
Not the most popular kid on campus, the paper published his letter, but changed his byline to “Sean Sphincter.” That slight aside, his senior year was a very good one, especially when he won the the prestigious North American Fibber Competition. He proudly accepted first prize which was a year’s supply of empty promises.
He spent years working in communications for many Republican causes. His experience, and the fact that he was the only person who could occasionally make sense of what Kellyanne Conway said, earned him his job as White House Press Secretary.
He is already considered the second best press secretary in history, and is ranked second only to Melissa McCarthy.