Two weeks ago, Donald Trump fastened his Tater Tot-sized fingers around a comment from Fox commentator Andrew Napolitano. Napolitano claimed that it was the British Secret Service who helped President Obama bug the President.
The President embraced Napolitano as a credible news source after learning that he’s a paranoid right winger (redundant, I know), and that he scored a perfect 100 on Cosmo’s popular “Are you a Pathological Liar?” quiz.
Britain immediately expressed outrage over the charge. Feelings became so raw between the U.S. and our closest ally that a secret meeting took place between President Trump and British Prime Minister Theresa May. It was held at the luxurious new Trump Bottom- Feeders Golf Club and Resort.
When May entered the room she extended her hand. Trump was motionless.
Trump: Ask that Kraut lady, Angela Farkle. She’ll tell you I’m too chickensh*t to shake hands with strong women.
Trump then sought refuge behind a coat rack.
May: Christ, you really are orange?
Trump: I drink a lot of Tang.
May: It’s safe to come out from behind the coat rack, Mr. President.
Trump: No, I’m good.
May: We find your claim to be the ravings of a bloated whack-job and totally without merit.
Trump: Like I care about what Norway thinks?
May: “Norway?”I’m the prime minister of Britain.
Trump: That’s near England, right? Wait, Britain, now I get it. That’s why later we’re going to have your country’s favorite breakfast, eggs and gristle.
May mumbled “moron” under her breath.
Trump: Listen babe, I was told to ask about your problems to pretend that I give a rat’s ass about anyone other than myself. What’s going on with your leaving the European League?
May: European Union. It’s going fine. It should be complete in two years.
Trump: “Two years?” Man, that’s slow. I’m pretty sure I’ll have totally ruined America by September.
May: I have August in the pool.