House Speaker Paul Ryan has rolled out the new Trump Health Care Bill to the dismay of many extreme right-wing Congressmen who are known for their principles as well as for eating their young.
The most powerful of these groups, “The Heritage Foundation for Fourteenth Century Thought,” met at DC’s poshest Motel 6 to discuss their problems with the legislation. To make sure no caring person attended, security guards were instructed to only allow in angry white men foaming at the mouth.
The group released a statement: “While we applaud the bill’s enrichment of the pockets of our blessed insurance companies at the expense of older Americans, it is an unfair bill. Unfair because it doesn’t screw working and poor people nearly as well.”
Furious that the bill, like Obamacare, covers all pre-existing conditions, they proposed that it only cover two: adult acne and finger boo-boos… up to four fingers.
The group debated their plan of action for two hours before putting out their torches, laying down their pitchforks and breaking for a sumptuous lunch, which included a tasty bald eagle dip and a roasted small child with white potatoes.
When they resumed, someone brought up the idea of actually doing something to help people. Two of the venom- filled men clutched at the hearts and fell over dead. After they were bagged up and tossed into the motel’s ice machine, the group, seeing the possible value of appearing to care about people, decided to consider the suggestion.
They finally agreed that people of all ages will be allowed to use emergency rooms free of charge as long as they make an appointment at least two weeks before their emergencies occur.
The group adjourned with their signature song, “We Have Great Free Health Care So Go Screw yourselves.”
On a related note, President Trump, while thrilled with Paul Ryan’s presentation of the bill, was reportedly furious with him for speaking in complete sentences.