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Month: March 2017

HEARTS OF STONE

House Speaker Paul Ryan has rolled out the new Trump Health Care Bill to the dismay of many extreme right-wing Congressmen who are known for their  principles as well as for eating their young.

The most powerful of these groups, “The Heritage Foundation for Fourteenth Century Thought,” met at DC’s poshest Motel 6 to discuss their problems with the legislation. To make sure no caring person attended, security guards were instructed to only allow in angry white men foaming at the mouth.

The group released a statement: “While we applaud the bill’s enrichment of the pockets of our blessed insurance companies at the expense of older Americans, it is an unfair bill. Unfair because it doesn’t screw working and poor people nearly as well.”

Furious that the bill, like Obamacare, covers all pre-existing conditions, they proposed that it only cover two: adult acne and finger boo-boos… up to four fingers.

The group debated their plan of action for two hours before putting out their torches, laying down their pitchforks and breaking for a sumptuous lunch, which included a tasty bald eagle dip and a roasted small child with white potatoes.

When they resumed, someone brought up the idea of actually doing something to help people. Two of the venom- filled men clutched at the hearts and fell over dead. After they were bagged up and tossed into the motel’s ice machine, the group, seeing the possible value of appearing to care about people, decided to consider the suggestion.

They finally agreed that people of all ages will be allowed to use emergency rooms free of charge as long as they make an appointment at least two weeks before their emergencies occur.

The group adjourned with their signature song, “We Have Great Free Health Care So Go Screw yourselves.”

On a related note, President Trump, while thrilled with Paul Ryan’s presentation of the bill, was reportedly furious with him for speaking in complete sentences.

 

Ken Hecht

TREASURE HUNT

Kentucky Senator Rand Paul seems to be dedicating his life to the noble cause of denying people health care. It became clear that it was personal to him when he said, “Kentucky is in the Deep South and we take great pride in being unhealthy and even greater pride that most of our death certificates list Colonel Sanders as the cause of death.”

Paul is claiming that House Speaker Paul Ryan’s Obamacare replacement bill is just “Obama-lite,” which means that there might be a shred of decency left in it and that’s unacceptable. He further charged that Ryan, with whom he shares a compassion deficit with, is hiding the bill from true conservatives.

Senator Paul should have first looked in the best place there is to make sure conservatives never see something: our Constitution.

What Paul did last week was to march through the halls of Congress, pulling a copy machine behind him while looking for the bill. Opening closets like a madman, he didn’t find the bill, but did find a stockroom where Republican congressman store their balls.

Running out of options, he looked down the hall and shouted to his aides, “Look, there’s a big barrel down there and it has a paper on it. Let’s go.”

Dragging the copy machine behind him, Paul raced there as fast as he could, only to realize that it wasn’t a barrel but Chris Christie holding a sign that read, “Will work for fried foods.”

After another fruitless hour of searching, Paul was defeated and angry. He stared at the copy machine for a moment and the said, “Screw it.”

He proceeded to drop his pants, sit on top of the machine and, well…you know.

 

Ken Hecht

 

 

 

HUD

President Trump, fulfilling his promise to employ the hopeless, has just seen Dr. Ben Carson confirmed as his Secretary of Housing and Urban Development. Carson, an acclaimed surgeon who operated on hundreds of patients, sometimes with their permission, decided to hold a press conference.

The deeply religious doctor arrived for the conference twenty minutes late. He apologized, saying, “Sorry, but I was having lunch today with Jonah and he got there late.”

Reporter: Jonah, sir?

Carson, once again displaying his firm grip on reality replied, “Right, Jonah… from the Bible. It took him longer than usual to get out of the whale because it had a cold and its blow-hole was all stuffed up.”

Hoping to return to reality, a reporter asked, “Mr. Secretary, many of your critics say that you’re not qualified for this job. With all due respect, sir, do you actually know anything about HUD?”

Carson: Absolutely. It was a wonderful movie and Paul Newman was great in it. I’ve always identified with Newman because like him, I also have sparkly blue eyes.

Reporter: Mr. Secretary, would you be willing to comment on the Jeff Sessions controversy?

Carson: Well, I feel he’s done the right thing by rescuing himself from the Trump campaign-Russia investigation. His best efforts would be better used in misleading the Special Prosecutor.

Reporter: As regards Secretary Sessions, sir, do you have any concerns about serving in the same cabinet with a man that for decades has been accused of being a racist?

Carson: None at all. I’ve always found Mr. Sessions to be charming and quite thoughtful. Last year he even invited me down to his plantation in Alabama for “Pin the Tail on the Slave Week.”

Reporter: You’re not saying Attorney General Sessions has slaves are you?

Carson: Of course not. He just likes to relive the good old days.

Reporter: And none of that bothers you, doctor?

Carson: No, but in all honesty, I might feel differently if I was black.

Ken Hecht