The Left Wing Gazette has just learned that an occasionally emotional scene just took place at Washington D.C.’s famed “You’re a Goner Teaching Hospital.”
The hopes of the Republican Congress’s second bill to replace Obamacare shared a semi-private room with the Cleveland Browns’ chances of winning a Super Bowl.
The proposed bill, now on life support, was surrounded by Paul Ryan, other members of Congress, a Priest, a Rabbi, an Imam and the cast of “Grey’s Anatomy.”
The Republicans were proud of this bill since it was, including the Obama years, its fifty-sixth attempt to deprive Americans of healthcare. They were especially pleased that their hopeless attempts during Obama’s term cost the taxpayers millions of dollars.
Knowing that his long-held dream of jeopardizing the health of millions of Americans was again biting the dust, Paul Ryan began to weep openly. His fellow Republicans, showing typical right-wing compassion, began taunting him by singing, “Big Republicans don’t cry yi-yi – they don’t cry.”
Ryan was also upset over a new CNN poll showing that Obamacare was more popular than Ryan’s healthcare bill. But then again, so is United Airlines.
Ryan had tried desperately to bring members of the Freedom Caucus over to his side. He offered them all sorts of enticements, like a free lifetime supply of Procter and Gamble’s “Stick Jammed Up Your Ass Remover.”
So desperate was the House Speaker that he tried to figure out what might put these healthcare haters in a good mood. After hours of deliberation, he decided a Broadway tune might be the answer, so he sang them “Westside Story’s’” classic, “I Just Stabbed a Girl Named Maria.” Not one of them to smiled.
As the Congressmen filed out of the hospital room, whack job Texas Congressman Louie Gohmert turned back to Ryan and said, “Don’t worry, Paul. We’ve got lots of other plans to screw America with.”