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Month: April 2017

TAKE TWO

 

The Left Wing Gazette has just learned that an occasionally emotional scene just took place at Washington D.C.’s famed “You’re a Goner Teaching Hospital.”

The hopes of the Republican Congress’s second bill to replace Obamacare shared a semi-private room with the Cleveland Browns’ chances of winning a Super Bowl.

The proposed bill, now on life support, was surrounded by Paul Ryan, other members of Congress, a Priest, a Rabbi, an Imam and the cast of “Grey’s Anatomy.”

The Republicans were proud of this bill since it was, including the Obama years, its fifty-sixth attempt to deprive Americans of healthcare. They were especially pleased that their hopeless attempts during Obama’s term cost the taxpayers millions of dollars.

Knowing that his long-held dream of jeopardizing the health of millions of Americans was again biting the dust, Paul Ryan began to weep openly. His fellow Republicans, showing typical right-wing compassion, began taunting him by singing, “Big Republicans don’t cry yi-yi – they don’t cry.”

Ryan was also upset over a new CNN poll showing that Obamacare was more popular than Ryan’s healthcare bill. But then again, so is United Airlines.

Ryan had tried desperately to bring members of the Freedom Caucus over to his side. He offered them all sorts of enticements, like a free lifetime supply of Procter and Gamble’s “Stick Jammed Up Your Ass Remover.”

So desperate was the House Speaker that he tried to figure out what might put these healthcare haters in a good mood. After hours of deliberation, he decided a Broadway tune might be the answer, so he sang them “Westside Story’s’” classic, “I Just Stabbed a Girl Named Maria.” Not one of them to smiled.

As the Congressmen filed out of the hospital room, whack job Texas Congressman Louie Gohmert turned back to Ryan and said, “Don’t worry, Paul. We’ve got lots of other plans to screw America with.”

Ryan smiled.

 

Ken Hecht

 

ONE HUNDRED DAZE

At the end of this week Donald Trump will have been in office for one hundred days. It just seems like forty years.

The President granted the Left Wing Gazette an in-depth interview that proved revealing.

LWG: You’ve been receiving a lot of criticism about your recent interview with the Associated Press, Sir. Your detractors said that you rarely spoke in complete sentences.

Trump: That’s a load of crap. There’s nothing wrong with the way I speak. Every one of my sentences has a noun, a verb, an adjective and a treble clef.

LWG: Sir, it’s rumored that your daughter and son-in-law are the only people in Washington that you trust. Can you explain why?

Trump: They’re the only people that I’m pretty sure wouldn’t poison me.

LWG: What about Melania?

Trump: She doesn’t cook.

LWG: Do you really believe people would try and poison you, Mr. President?

Trump: Are you serious? Three of my food tasters died just last week… I sent my condolences to the Perez, Gonzalez and Lopez families. To show my gratitude they will be allowed to sit in the front of the Trump jet that’s deporting them back to Mexico. And they’ll only have to clean the windows on the left side of the plane before boarding.

LWG: Your largesse knows no bounds.

Trump: My large ass?

LWG: Never mind, Mr. President.  I know this is a delicate subject, but there are reports that your marriage is on the rocks.

Trump: Look, all marriages go through rough periods. I have no doubt that Marla and I will be able to work it out.

His phone rang. It was Japan’s Prime Minister.

Mr. Trump invited us to stay and, “Watch me work.”

Trump: Yes Mr. Prime Minister… We definitely have to discuss the Korean Peninsula. But first, you gotta tell me, what’s the deal with sushi? Raw fish? Seriously? Is that the one that swims upstream to spawn – no, forget it, that’s lox… Yes, of course were going to talk about Korea. Which is the bad one?

 

Ken Hecht

 

TRUMP’S TAXES

 

A majority of Americas want President Trump to reveal his taxes. A majority of Americans also want him to spontaneously combust. Both are pipe dreams.

Trump told CNN’s Chris Cuomo he believes that the IRS may have it in for him because he’s a “Strong Christian.” Trump went on to say that his unshakable faith is derived from the Bible in the “Book of Capone.”

We doubt that Trump has ever actually read The Book of Capone since its very first line says, “Beware the orange tax cheat, for he shall poison the soil and release a plague of locusts.” The sacred book goes on to impart further wisdom to us, stating, “If you want to know if he loves you so it’s in his kiss – that’s where it is.”

We have obtained the first twenty-six thousand pages of the President’s 2012 tax return.

Trump claims his wife, sons Eric and Barron and daughter Ivanka as dependants. He claims his son, Donald Jr., as a total loss. The IRS allowed the deduction, after genetic testing confirmed that Trump Jr. came from the part of the gene pool that little children pee in.

Trump claimed charitable deductions of twelve-million dollars. All but forty-seven dollars were disallowed. The forty-seven dollars were actually donated to the Kellyanne Conway Home for Grinning Idiots.

The IRS is deciding if it will allow Trump to claim Agent Orange Tanning Cream as a business deduction.

Trump, himself a more deadly carcinogenic than Agent Orange, has said he’d like to drop the Vietnam era weapon on Syria.

His Secretary of Defense, General James Mattis, informed him that the poison was destroyed after the war. He then suggested that if Trump wanted to use a highly toxic bomb, he should drop himself on Syria.

At last report, Melania was trying to talk her husband into it.

You go, girl.

 

Ken Hecht