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Month: May 2017

UGLIEST AMERICAN

Having completed his “Embarrass America Tour,” President Trump flew home from Italy on Saturday. The only good news he carried away from the entire trip was that his lips had almost healed from kissing King Salman’s and Prime Minister Netanyahu’s butts so often. Both men are still running high fevers.

Trump was in a foul mood upon arrival in Italy, having been told that he’s the most hated man in Europe since Hitler. He became defensive, snapping, “Hitler wasn’t all bad. He made the trains run on time.”

Steve Bannon told him it was Mussolini who made the trains on time. The President said, “I loved Mussolini. Have you ever seen anyone look better hanging upside down? He looked so good he should’ve been hanging in a deli.”

When Trump met with European leaders, they wanted to know why he wanted out of the Paris Accords that are meant to curtail greenhouse gasses.

Trump: Listen losers, China is the world’s number one producer of greenhouse gasses. I’m going to see to it that the USA out-pollutes everyone. America first.

Hours later, Presidential advisor Gary Cohn told the press that Trump hasn’t fully made up his mind about the Paris Accords. Cohn went on, saying, “Mr. Trump’s position on this is evolving and we expect that the President will be walking upright any day now.”

When the world leaders walked seven-hundred yards to have their picture taken, Trump, an out of shape blivet, rode in a golf cart.

Melania did the usual things that FLOTUSs do while wearing fifty-thousand dollar coats. She visited an orphanage, where she read to the children from the Dr. Seuss book written about her husband, “How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Chanukah, Ramadan, Kwanza and Festivus.”

After Trump left Italy, our allies issued a joint statement regarding Trump: Hillary Clinton was right. It takes a village idiot.

* Blivet – Ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag.

 

Ken Hecht

 

 

THE POPE

 

Earlier this week, President Trump flew into Rome after giving the King of Saudi Arabia a big hug and our nuclear codes.

When Trump and his entourage deplaned, Melania again brushed the President’s hand away while whispering, “Keep your Tater Tots off of me, you freak.”

Upon meeting, Trump and Pope Francis shook hands with the President saying, “It’s a great honor to meet you, Pope Jilly.” The Pope responded, “My name is Francis.”

Trump turned to Melania and said, “You told me his name was Jilly.” “Oops,” she replied before a small smile appeared on her face. Trump responded with, “Cut this crap out Melania. It’s not enough you had me sing the dreidle song in Saudi Arabia?”

It wasn’t clear if the Pope heard their exchange because he was busy counting his fingers after shaking hands with Trump.

Later, the two men held a private meeting. Here is an occasionally accurate fake transcript of their meeting:

The Pope held out a wafer to the President and asked, “Would you like to take Communion, my son?”

Trump: Do you have any chocolate ones?

The Pope sighed.

Trump: Francis, would you like to make a few extra bucks by being my FBI Director? I can’t find anyone in America who’ll take the job.

Pope: I’d rather suffocate in a grain silo.

Trump: No sweat… Hey, listen, I had to pee before.

Pope: Thanks for sharing.

Trump: The urinal… was that holy water in there?

The Pope was too stunned to answer.

Trump: The reason I ask is that I’d like to bring some holy water back to my son Barron.

A ray of sunshine for the Pope who smiled and asked, “Is your son religious?”

Trump: No, he’s got a goldfish.

The Pope excused himself and told Trump, “Give my regards to Satan.”

When the Presidential visit ended Trump gave the Pope a gift certificate for three free nights in the Jenna Jameson Pleasure Suite at Mar-A-Lago. Courtesy bar not included.

The Pope gave Trump five books he thought the President would enjoy. He also gave him a box of crayons.

 

Ken Hecht

 

 

 

 

SAUDI ARABIA

Air Force One carries so many electronics and missile avoidance systems that it can only hold so much passenger and luggage weight and still fly safely. The Secret Service only approved the trip to Saudi Arabia after President Trump promised not to gain more than forty pounds during the flight.

The President had brushed up on Saudi customs under Melania’s tutelage. The first thing she taught him the words to “Havana Nagila”, suggesting he sing it at the Saudi royal family’s state dinner and falafel hunt.

A Middle East expert had instructed the President to only shake hands and eat with his right hand, as the left hand is used for personal hygiene and therefore considered “unclean.”

Trump thought that was absurd and told the expert that he used his right hand to gratify himself if someone named Trixie or Sparkle wasn’t available at that moment.

When Air Force One landed at Saudi Arabia’s Suicide International Airport, Trump exited the plane far ahead of his wife. He does this so Melania can’t get close enough to push him down the stairs. Trump has guarded against this ever since his parents started pushing him down stairs when he was nine.

Trump received a royal welcome at the airport. He and the King shook hands and kissed each other’s cheeks for almost twenty minutes. After they’d stopped, the President waved his chins at the King. Just like Melania taught him.

After leaving the airport, everyone was driven to one of the royal family’s six thousand palaces for a sumptuous lunch. After the meal, Trump was honored with Saudi Arabia’s traditional desert, two scoops of camel dung.

Trump said he liked it but would have preferred it without sprinkles.

During the trip, Trump took credit for an arms deal, Middle East peace and sand.

Melania only flew out of Saudi Arabia with her husband because he couldn’t get the price he wanted to sell her into white slavery.

 

Ken Hecht