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Month: June 2017

DEFENDING DRECK

 

Kellyanne Conway, in hopes of selling the Senate Health Care Bill to people with functioning brains, has been promoting it to many people and some inanimate objects.

Before the Stalinesque legislation was pulled, she spoke with George Stephanopoulos and denied that the cuts to Medicaid are actually cuts.  Maine Senator Susan Collins disagreed with the President’s advisor.

When a reporter told Conway of this, she became so furious that the hair on her feet stood up. Unable to control her fury, she bellowed, “Senator Collins is jealous of me because I just won the ‘Pennsylvania Beauty and Grinning Like an idiot Pageant.’ She knows that men wouldn’t whistle at her if she dropped quarters on a gym floor like I do.”

Reporter: Wait a minute. You purposely drop coins on the floor and bend over for men to see?

Conway: What’s the big deal? I’m always partially clothed.

Fighting nausea, the reporter turned back to health care, asking how President Trump responds to the charge that reducing Medicare will cause a great many deaths.

Conway: He doesn’t feel that these people will really be dead. He sees them as alternative living people who will have many less needs than actual living people. That will help reduce our deficit and make the lives of their children easier.

Reporter: Their children…easier? How so?

Conway: Well, not spending money on the alternatively living will save them money, especially on the skyrocketing cost of dog food.

Reporter: Dog food- right. Many Americans are outraged that the Senate bill devastates Medicaid but gives a huge tax cut to the wealthy, particularly for those earning over five million dollars a year.

Conway: Yes, but let’s face it, five million dollars just isn’t what it used to be.

The reporter thanked her for her time. When Kellyanne stood up, six quarters fell onto the floor. She bent over, wiggled her ass and farted. Hazmat was summoned.

 

Ken Hecht

HEALTH CARE

 

President Trump, who is himself a preexisting condition for which there is no cure, says he supports the Senate’s healthcare bill. A White House insider revealed that Trump hasn’t actually seen the entire bill, but has looked at the five-page phonetic summary put together by his staff.

Trump began to read it, but in the middle of page two his lips got tired  and he had to stop. On the positive side, when his lips droop he is able to suck all the dog hair out of a carpet.

Trump recently said the House bill was “mean,” but we’ve found out that he didn’t intend for the word to be taken the way we thought he did. He was just promoting his new book, “Mean Kampf.” The book is said to be very entertaining, particularly its forward by Satan.

Senate Majority Leader McConnell had to put on a happy lemon- sucking face to introduce the bill because he was still furious over being arrested earlier that morning for impersonating a Christian.

Unfazed by his arrest, he told reporters that the bill was crafted using the wisdom of the Bible, particularly the “Book of I’ve Got Mine So You Go Die in the Gutter.” This tome will soon be made into a major motion picture with Steve Bannon starring as the gutter.

McConnell was quick to point out the bill’s compassionate points, telling reporters that people will be covered for up to four splinters during their lifetime.

It has been projected that under the new Republican bill the new average life span for women will be forty-eight and the average lifespan for men will be fourteen.

Taking a page from “Seinfeld,” McConnell screamed, “NO HEALTH CARE FOR YOU!”

He was asked how he could sleep at night having put forth a bill of such extreme cruelty. McConnell replied, “It’s part of a strategy that is helping me to become the best reptile I can be.”

Then he caught a fly with his tongue.

 

Ken Hecht

 

DEWY SCREWEM & HOWE

 

Crammed into the Oval Office like the stateroom scene from the Marx Brothers’ “A Night at the Opera,” dozens of lawyers met to search for a strategy to defend Donald Trump. Among those in attendance were Trump’s personal lawyers, their personal lawyers and the personal lawyers’ personal lawyers.

Marc Kasowitz, the President’s longtime attorney, was in charge of this voyage of the dammed. Kasowitz was a wise choice since his law firm has a division dedicated to defending the likes of Donald Trump, Bill O’Reilly and the International Association to Bring Back Cholera.

Kasowitz also represents Sperbank, Russia’s largest bank. He claims that there’s nothing sinister about this arrangement, and that he only chose to represent the bank because they gave him a free toaster.

Panicked screams of “INCOMING, INCOMING” rang out. Donald Trump crawled into the room wearing a combat helmet and bellowing, “I think I’m hit.”

It took a while, but the lawyers convinced him that he was all right and that he’d sustained no additional brain injuries.

When the meeting began, Trump received more bad news when he was told that he was now also being investigated for obstruction of decency.

Trump told the legal eagles that it was their job to convince the nation that he was innocent of something. He then added, “It must also be made perfectly clear to the American people that I have no intention of giving them their country back.”

Trump, his attention span now taxed to the limit, ended the meeting abruptly, saying, I have to go help Melania unpack. She’s been here a week and we still can’t find the box she packed Barron in.”

Ken Hecht