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Month: August 2017

GORKA

 

Gorka is not only the sound Donald Trump makes repeatedly after eating, it is the name of the President’s former venom deputy, Sebastian Gorka.

An ally of Steve Bannon, Gorka was thrown out of the White House on Friday. “The Gork,” as he’s affectionately called when he hosts Nazi youth conventions, claimed to have resigned because of the political trend of occasionally listening to the two people in the White House who aren’t certifiably crazy. Both work in the cafeteria.

An unattributed press release said Gorka was fired. Many believe that Trump is the source of the statement because of its phrasing:  “Sebastian Gorka is and having to advise when I especially need things of information that definitely carouse lacking marbles and he told to me a lot and often. Girls big don’t cry.”

Gorka had hoped to move into his BFF Steve Bannon’s office, but a Hazmat team is expected to be decontaminating it until Thanksgiving. Sadly, two members of the Hazmat team lost their lives when Bannon’s supply of Clearasil exploded, covering the entire office.

The silver lining in that cloud is that the medication cleared up the pimples on Bannon’s portrait.

Gorka’s position hasn’t been filled yet, but Kellyanne Conway is leading an intensive search for someone who can catch flies with his tongue. Ann Coulter was believed to be the frontrunner until Joe Arpaio was pardoned.

It has been reported by the well respected periodical “Political Slob Monthly” that Gorka may join Steve Bannon at Breitbart News. They stated that the only thing holding the deal up is that the Breitbart offices will need to be enlarged in order to hold that much hate.

Breitbart is consulting with a construction industry leader, KKK Builders Inc. The company is noted for its quality work. President Trump recently gave them an award for their charitable efforts that include supplying needy white supremacist children with Christmas nooses.

If Gorka is not able to make a deal with Breitbart, he is expected to write a book about his time in the White House and call it “A Confederacy of Dunces Redux.”

 

Ken Hecht

 

 

SPEECH PREP

 

Prior to Donald Trump’s Afghanistan address to the nation, he met with his cabinet members and most of his advisors. Kellyanne Conway was missing because her face lift had been botched. This accounts for the recent Lady Bird Johnson sightings in D.C.

Everyone took their seats. Trump wanted to show respect for the late Steve Bannon, so his chair had a cardboard cut-out of a giant pimple on it. At the bottom of the cut-out were the words, “I dare you.”

Rex Tillerson spoke up, “Mr. President, we can start the meeting as soon as you put down the Slinky.

Trump: Okay, (pointing) but that black guy better not steal Mr. Slinky.

Ben Carson: I would never steal it.  And for the record Mr. President, I haven’t been black in years.

John Kelly: Mr. Trump, I’d like to reiterate how important it is for you to tell the country just how valuable Afghanistan is to us.

Trump: I’ve got it nailed. I’m going to remind everyone that if we lose Afghanistan, it won’t be long before we lose the rest of Sweden.

General Mattis: Uh, Sir…never mind.

Trump: Listen, I have to say some more bullshit about my Charlotteville speech. Jared… I can’t understand why he’s so mad at me.

Stephen Miller: Because he Jewish, Sir.

Trump: He’s what!?

Miller: Jewish.

Trump: Dear God, what if Ivanka finds out?… Have that Hebraic twit in my office in an hour. And frisk him for menorahs.

John Kelly: Mr. President, the speech, please. You have to promise you’ll read that crap about how when one American suffers we all suffer.

Trump: What a crock. Who here suffers when someone else does?

No hands were raised.

Trump: It’s a lie. A big, big lie. Maybe I’ll use it twice… Do you have the Phoenix crowd packed with my supporters?

Betsy DeVoss: Absolutely. We aren’t letting anyone in who bathes regularly.

Trump: Great. And when the town-hall is over, I want to go to one of unisex bathrooms and see what my male supporters did to the rims of the toilets. It still drives Melania crazy.

 

Ken Hecht

STATUES

 

Donald Trump began his latest press conference showing off his letter of congratulations from Satan for his recent remarks supporting racists everywhere. The President added, “The Devil wants everyone to know if they’re filled with enough hate, they will have a special place in hell with privileges like Ski-Ball and free Ted Nugent concerts.”

Trump went on, “Satan’s gotten a bad rap and he really has a lot of good qualities. For instance, nobody does evil like him. I’m gaining on him and if I ever die, I may challenge him for his job. I feel confident that my successful efforts to turn America into a living hell would carry me to victory.”

Trump’s mood soured quickly and he began expressing his outrage over the Confederate monuments that are being removed. Spittle formed in the corners of his mouth as he screamed, “Nobody gives damn about the statues, but remove one family of Jews and just watch the matzoh hit the fan.”

“I’m going to help ease the pain of my racist pals by having statues of me replace the ones that were there. On some, I’ll be sitting on a horse. On others, I’ll be sitting on an eagle and on some I’ll be sitting on my Little Lulu blow-up doll.

Trump reminded the reporters that he’ll be going to Phoenix next week to begin his “Donald Trump 2017 Vermin Tour.” He bragged that, “I know that all of my supporters will arrive early and have tailgate parties where they dine on their favorites, like road-kill in blankets.

Trump turned the topic to Steve Bannon, saying, “Steve is one of my closest friends and if I were capable of feelings, I would have felt badly when I canned him. Rest assured that I’ve already begun the search for my next Secretary of Pimples.”

In closing, The President asked for understanding for America’s bigots and racists, stating, “Like me, some of them know that slavery is mostly bad.”

 

Ken Hecht