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Month: September 2017

NO, YOU ARE!

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NO, YOU ARE!

With President Trump protecting our nation by fighting with three-quarters of America’s athletes, John Kelly suggested he ratchet down the rhetoric with North Korea. Trump, feeling that he could no longer spend as much time inflaming that situation, agreed with Kelly because he’d need more time starting Thursday when he plans to start attacking Jesse Owens and Willie Mays.

After Trump promised that he would behave in a Presidential manner, a secret phone call was arranged between the two leaders whose stubby little fingers rest on nuclear triggers.

What follows is a secret transcript of that conversation.

Trump: Look, Un, we need to cut down on the insults, but first I’d like to ask you one question. Who cuts your hair, The Three Stooges?

Un: Shut up, Fatso. You have more stretch marks than an elephant with nine elephant babies.

Trump: Oh yeah? Well, you’re a big Doodyhead.

Un: No, you are.

Trump: No, you are.

Un: No, you are.

Trump: No you are.

Un: No, you are.

Trump: No, you are.

Un: No, you are.

They went on like this for two hours with only a half-hour break so Trump could play with his Mr. Potato Head and finally figure out where the ears go.

Un wanted to play with North Korea’s Slinky, but no one could find it. So instead, he used the time to have three cousins and an uncle assassinated.

Eventually the conversation ended with a glimmer of hope when Trump told Un he’d send him a Slinky in return for him executing the entire NFL. The North Korean dictator agreed to do it, and in the spirit of co-operation, promised to send Trump an autographed Kim Jong Un home assassination kit.

 

Ken Hecht

 

 

MOORE LUNACY

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Donald Trump’s most trusted advisors, Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale, insisted that he visit Alabama to support his Senatorial candidate, Luther Strange. Trump refused to go to Alabama at first, saying, “No way I’m going to the Caribbean now.” After he was shown the state’s location on his Dora the Explorer globe, he agreed to go.

After Trump arrived at Alabama’s David Duke Not-So-International Airport, he was whisked away to a dinner Strange threw in his honor. Trump was treated to the Southern delicacy of pulled road kill and potato salad.

Candidate Strange bonded with Trump years ago when he was able to explain the plot of most “Tom and Jerry” cartoons to the future Leader of the Free World.

Strange pledged his allegiance to Trump by dropping his pants and waving the American flag on the pole that he has jammed up his right-wing ass. Strange often boasts that he’s a better right-winger than Moore because his ass is tighter than Trump and Putin.

Trump began his attack on life-long religious whack job, Roy Moore, whose thinking has been criticised for being centuries behind most of America. This infuriates him and he recently denied the charge from the back of his chauffeur-driven chariot.

The twice-fired Alabama Supreme Court Justice has claimed he’s the better Republican, bragging, “My opponent’s flag pole pales in comparison to the many two-by-fours I’ve crammed up my anus. And I’m happy to say, I’m getting used to the splinters.”

A sexually-repressed zealot, Moore often forces his wife to throw a tablecloth over her ample bosoms. He believes that large breasts are the Devil’s playthings. He thinks about having her get a breast reduction, but isn’t sure how she’ll look with just one.

theleftwinggazzete.com

MANAFORT

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MANAFORT

Paul Manafort, currently the recipient of an ongoing multi-pronged Federal colonoscopy, has long claimed that he’s had no involvement of any kind with Russia. His claim became very shaky when his home was raided by Federal Agents who found five thousand bottles of imported borscht with Vladimir Putin’s likeness on the labels.

The future jailbird tried to explain it away by saying, “I’m sick. I’m a borscht addict, but I’m trying to get better. I attend Beets Anonymous meetings regularly.” The agents didn’t buy it and realized that Manafort loved all things Russia when they found a portrait of him dressed as Catherine the Great.

He and his wife have two daughters, Rasputina and Paul Jr. After their second one was born with a tail, his wife was investigated by the Congressional “Dating Out of Your Species” Committee. Charges were brought against her. She stood trial, was convicted and had her sentence suspended after agreeing to attend two hundred hours of “What the F**k Were You Thinking?” classes.

Trump, who was totally unaware of the planned raid called Manafort the night before it occurred. The Leader of the Free World probed Manafort about the things the Feds had asked him. He was particularly concerned if the words “urine,” yellow” or “showers” have been brought up. Manafort told Trump, “Yes, but I told Mueller that you have almost as much trouble controlling your bladder as you do your mouth. That’s the truth, isn’t it?”

Trump told him, “It is. In fact I’ve just ordered more Depends with the Presidential Seal on them.” He went on to brag that, “I’m going to turn a profit on them when I’m done.”

Manafort: How?

Trump: I’m going to sell them to my supporters as tablecloths.

Manafort: I need some advice. I’ve just had an offer to appear on a new show, called, “Dancing with the Scum.”

Trump: Take it. And make sure you choose Kellyanne Conway as your partner. She has more testosterone than you, so let her lead.