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Month: October 2017

MEAN HALLOWEEN

 

MEAN HALLOWEEN

Must-reads for Republican extremists have long included “Mein Kampf,” “Stalin’s Jokes from the Gulag” and “Idi Amin’s Favorite Recipes.” The newest addition to that list is “The Right-Winger’s Trick or Treat Handbook.”

The booklet features an article saying that the Donald Trump mask will become an instant Halloween classic because it makes the wearer look like a stain on humanity.

The new publication suggests that all right-wing ladies, to be even more frightening than usual, dress as welfare women and have babies on people’s lawns.

It’s also recommended that these alleged females show their love for the Second Amendment and keep their mouths shut after being groped by gun owners.

For safety reasons, parents should accompany their children as they trick or treat. After their little future extremists’ bags are filled with candy, parents should drive them to poor neighborhoods where the kids should eat all their candy while offering none to as many underprivileged children as possible. This will help these less fortunate tykes prepare for the lives of abject deprivation they’ll lead thanks to Republican economic policies.

Some people will choose to have Halloween parties in their homes and give treats to the children who come to their door. It is important that you find out which political party the trick-or-treaters belong to.  Democrats should be given nothing, and Democrats are easily identified because they ask for kale.

You want to be sure that the adults also have fun, and they will if you hold a contest and give a prize to the right-wing extremist with the biggest stick jammed up his ass. The book recommends the prize be a tube of L’Oreal’s “Splinters Be Gone Cream.”

It should be noted that all proceeds from the sale of, “The Right-Winger’s Trick or Treat Handbook” will be donated to Donald Trump’s favorite cause, Donald Trump.

 

Ken Hecht

 

 

EMPATHY LESSONS

 

Early last week, John Kelly and General James Mattis, the world’s two highest paid baby sitters, sat in the Oval Office waiting for Donald Trump, who had gone to meet secretly with Ivanka and Jared, who are currently hiding out in Virginia disguised as Ben and Estelle Hur.

Kelly: The moron is late for a change.

Mattis: Probably hit himself in the nuts with his yo-yo again.

Trump, a pained look on his face and holding his groin, entered the office.

Kelly: Are you all right, Mr. President?

Trump, his voice a little bit high pitched, said, “I’m fine, Let’s get going. I don’t have long.”

Kelly, a hopeful look on his face, asked, “Were there any spots on your x-rays, sir?”

Trump: No.

Kelly looked crestfallen.

Trump: Okay, so, tell me again why I have to talk to the families of fallen soldiers.

Kelly: It’s important to them, sir. Remember, you’re the president of almost 37-per-cent of the American people.

Mattis: We have some suggestions on how best to approach the families.

Trump: Look, I know what I’m doing. I’ll start out with, “Hello Mr. or Miss Grieving Person.”

Mattis: It might be better to actually learn their names, sir.

Trump: Fine. Just don’t forget the flash cards and spell the names out phonetically like you do when I talk to Melania.

Mattis: Absolutely.

Trump: Good. After I say “hello,” how about I say “I heard about your loved one. Tough beat.”

Kelly: A little harsh, Mr. President. Don’t forget, they’ve just lost someone. It’s devastating to people who are actually capable of love.

Trump: Yeah, I’ve heard about people like that. I’m so glad I never married one of them… Listen, I’ll wing it with the families. I promise not to offend them too much.

Mattis:  But sir-

Trump: I’ve got get to the White House Lie Room. If Sarah Huckabee gets there first, she takes all the good ones.

After he left the room, Mattis looked at Kelly and said, “Let’s send him another box of yo-yos.

 

Ken Hecht

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“SEASON of WAR”

SEASON of WAR

Purveyor of hate and owner of an award-winning blotch collection, Steve Bannon, agreed to give us an interview on the condition that we didn’t use words that offend him, like “compassion,” “kindness” and “decency.”

He arrived late to the meeting, telling us, “I got held up at the ‘29th  Annual Jeff Sessions Tribute to Hate Literature’ where I won second place for my new pamphlet, ‘Bigotry, What is it Good For? Lots of Stuff.’”

We started to ask a question when we heard “Deutschland Uber Alles” being sung. It turned out to be Bannon’s ring-tone.

He answered the phone and said, “Hello, Mr. President… A question? Certainly…. Well, sir, the reason you have to call the families of the four Green Berets who died in Niger?…  Because it’s important that you appear to care about the sacrifice made by fallen American soldiers.… No, sir, of course you don’t have to really care… Really? I didn’t know that your mother kept falling constantly when she was old… Really, that’s terrible… How many times did you have to step over her?… Seventy-five is a lot.”

Bannon finished up by telling Trump, “Don’t forget to write those letters. And make sure someone spell-checks it… Anytime, Mr. Trump.”

With Bannon’s attention now ours, we began questioning him.

Us: You’ve promised to destroy the Republican Party, starting with Mitch McConnell.

Bannon: Right. Old pucker-face is done hiding behind his chins. He’s toast.

Us: But the President just said he and McConnell like each other and have a very good relationship.

Bannon: Give me a break. Donald Trump is a psychopath and psychopaths aren’t capable of having relationships with anyone in the human race. Same for me.

Us: And that doesn’t bother you?

Bannon: No. It leaves me free to date out of my species. Baboons think I’m hot.

Us: Makes sense… How do you feel about the reports that Rex Tillerson called the President a “moron?” Some even say he called him a ‘f**k**g moron?,”

Bannon: That’s fake news. Nobody would ever call him that.

Just then the phone rang again. Bannon answered, “Yes, Mr.President… No, sir, there aren’t two ‘g’s in Niger.”

He hung up, and under his breath muttered, “F*ck*i*g moron.”

Ken Hecht

theleftwinggazette.com