The Left Wing Gazette, America’s most prominent non-existent newspaper, will be closing for Thanksgiving so that I can travel to Florida and celebrate the holiday with my family that I love and tolerate.
Prior to the holiday, President Trump will pardon the White House turkey which means, that this year, he’ll be pardoning himself.
The Trump family dinner will begin an hour after Tiffany Trump (his daughter with Marla Maples) tastes the food. If she doesn’t begin to foam at the mouth or keel over within an hour, the family will sit down to eat.
They’ll begin in their traditional manner by going around the table and telling each other their net worth. After their sexual urges recede, the President will begin the festivities.
Trump: Okay, who stole the turkey this year?
Eric beamed with pride as he said, “I did dad. I stole it from a food bank.”
Trump: Good boy. Let’s all hold hands and pretend to pray.
The family joined hands.
Three seconds later:
Trump: That’s enough.
The hand-holding ended and every member of the family immediately used their bacterial disinfectant before passing the food around.
Melania: Remember, Barron, keep your fingers away from your father’s mouth this year. You need all seven fingers.
Barron seemed annoyed and said, “Am I getting another guitar for Christmas?
Melania: No, sweetheart, gloves.
Don Jr.: How come I wasn’t allowed to kill the turkey this year?
Ivanka: Because last year we spent all of December picking buckshot out of our teeth.
Tiffany, sitting alone at the kids’ table, spoke up. “I’m still hungry. May I please have some food?”
Trump: Of course you can, darling, and if you were equal to us, you could eat now, but you’re not, so you’ll have to wait until we’re done.
A snarl appeared on Tiffany’s face.
Trump, his mouth jammed with food, began to choke, turn red and gag for air.
The family started to get up to help, but Melania pulled out a gun and said, “Everyone sit down.”
The President desperately struggled to breathe.
With Melania’s gun trained on them, the family could only eat and watch as the patriarch’s gagging got worse.