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Month: November 2017

TRUMPSGIVING

 

The Left Wing Gazette, America’s most prominent non-existent newspaper, will be closing for Thanksgiving so that I can travel to Florida and celebrate the holiday with my family that I love and tolerate.

Prior to the holiday, President Trump will pardon the White House turkey which means, that this year, he’ll be pardoning himself.

The Trump family dinner will begin an hour after Tiffany Trump (his daughter with Marla Maples) tastes the food. If she doesn’t begin to foam at the mouth or keel over within an hour, the family will sit down to eat.

They’ll begin in their traditional manner by going around the table and telling each other their net worth. After their sexual urges recede, the President will begin the festivities.

Trump: Okay, who stole the turkey this year?

Eric beamed with pride as he said, “I did dad. I stole it from a food bank.”

Trump: Good boy. Let’s all hold hands and pretend to pray.

The family joined hands.

Three seconds later:

Trump: That’s enough.

The hand-holding ended and every member of the family immediately used their bacterial disinfectant before passing the food around.

Melania: Remember, Barron, keep your fingers away from your father’s mouth this year. You need all seven fingers.

Barron seemed annoyed and said, “Am I getting another guitar for Christmas?

Melania: No, sweetheart, gloves.

Don Jr.: How come I wasn’t allowed to kill the turkey this year?

Ivanka: Because last year we spent all of December picking buckshot out of our teeth.

Tiffany, sitting alone at the kids’ table, spoke up. “I’m still hungry. May I please have some food?”

Trump: Of course you can, darling, and if you were equal to us, you could eat now, but you’re not, so you’ll have to wait until we’re done.

A snarl appeared on Tiffany’s face.

Trump, his mouth jammed with food, began to choke, turn red and gag for air.

The family started to get up to help, but Melania pulled out a gun and said, “Everyone sit down.”

The President desperately struggled to breathe.

With Melania’s gun trained on them, the family could only eat and watch as the patriarch’s gagging got worse.

Tiffany: YAY!

Ken Hecht

 

PERV DATE.COM

 

PERV DATE.COM

In defense of Judge Roy Moore, we must acknowledge the fact that the age of consent in Alabama is sixteen. Thirteen if you’re dating your cousin and twelve if you’re dating livestock.

Despite appearing to be an imbecile, Roy Moore must be quite brilliant to have cleared the high judicial bar of being appointed an Alabama Supreme Court Justice. One can only achieve such heights in that state if they’ve received straight C’s in high school and been the President of the school’s Audio Visual Club.

Moore held an “If You’ll Believe Me, You’ll Believe Anything” pot luck lunch at Birmingham’s Lester Maddox Elementary School. He’s always had a soft spot in his heart for this school since often hiding in its bushes during his twenties.

He told his gathering of gullible Alabamians that when he was in his thirties, he always asked the permission of the mothers of the teenagers he wanted to date. Some were reluctant at first, but most mothers agreed when he promised to buy them toothbrushes as long as they came with instructions.

Moore said he was always loyal to the young girls he dated and even fought off the temptation to date one girl’s Ku-Klux-Klan Barbie Doll. He said he was attracted to the doll because she had better legs than his girlfriend, Dorothy-Ann-Betty-Scarlett-O’Hara-Ellen- Sessions. (Yes, that Dorothy-Ann-Betty-Scarlett-O’Hara-Ellen- Sessions).

Moore went on to claim that even back then he was a better liar than his girlfriend’s brother Jeff, and that he got his mouth washed out so many times that he considers Dial Soap a condiment. Moore knows in advance when he needs to go to the bathroom because bubbles start coming out of the bottom of his pants legs first.

He’s a favorite on Alabama’s social circuit and gets invited to every party where they serve asparagus.

Having pledged to his followers that he’ll fight for an America devoid of mercy, we have no doubt that he will make an excellent Republican Senator.

Ken Hecht

 

TRUMP IN CHINA

 

TRUMP IN CHINA

Donald Trump, with China’s President Xi Jinping present, held a press conference at the conclusion of his China trip.

Reporter #1: Mr. President, how did you find China?

Trump: Well, when I stepped off of Air Force One, there it was. I never knew China was located next to my airplane.

Reporter #2: Did you do a lot of prep work for this trip?

Trump: A ton of work. But it was worth it because I was very pleased when Jackie Chan finally taught Karate to that kid.

Reporter #3: How did you reconcile the fact that you once said, “We can’t allow China to rape our country,” with President Xi?

Trump: I just explained to the President that I had gotten China confused with Harvey Weinstein.

Reporter #4: Sir, Did you learn anything on this trip?

Trump: Many things, really. I was quite surprised to learn that the People’s Republic of China is owned by People magazine. Melania told me to be sure to say that.

Seated to the side, Melania nudged Xi’s wife and whispered, “Got him.”

Reporter #5: What impressed you the most on this trip?

Trump: Well, I found out that China has 55 separate ethnic groups. I couldn’t help thinking how much better America would be if we had some new, poverty stricken minorities for my constituents to hate.

He looked back to Xi Jinping and said, “President Ex-Eye, how about you send us some of your minorities with your next MSG shipment?”

A light mist of smoke emanated from Xi’s ears.

Reporter #6: What is your overall impression of China, sir?

Trump: It a great country that has overcome many difficulties, although their citizens still struggle to see a parade when it passes by.

President Xi just shook his head as he mouthed the word “moron” in Chinese.

Reporter #7: Any last thoughts before you fly to Viet Nam?

Trump: Yes. Since there’s no point in me coming back to China, when I land in Viet Nam, I plan to get off of Air Force One from the other side.

Ken Hecht