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Month: December 2017

TWISTED CHRISTMAS

 

TWISTED CHRISTMAS

The Trump family entered their winter home at Mar-A-Lago on Christmas Eve. There were big smiles all around except for President Pouty Face.

Eric: Caroling was really fun this year.

Ivanka: It was, but Jared, darling, it’s “Joy to the World,” not “Jew to the World.”

Melania: Darling, your top lip is curling up over your nose. What’s wrong?”

Trump: Everything’s wrong. I’m not getting enough credit for my tax plan… and you think anybody gives a crap that I’m responsible for Christianity?

Ivanka: I didn’t know that, daddy.

Trump:  Well, I am. Look, there’s no Christianity if Mary and Joseph didn’t check into the Trump International Manger and Resort.  She was about to pop, so we gave them complimentary forceps.

Ivanka: Daddy, would it cheer you up if I sat in your lap under the mistletoe?

Trump: Yes, no, I don’t know.

Donald Jr.: Come on, pop, smile. Remember, people are dying in Jerusalem because you made it the Capital of Israel.

Trump: Well, I do feel good about that, but I’m so pissed at Mueller’s investigation I could spit blood. Damnit, I have absolutely nothing to do with the Russians.

Ivanka: Borscht-nog, daddy?

Trump: Thanks, Sweetheart.

Eric: Do we really have to go to church later?

Trump: Yes. Attending church impresses those dimwitted evangelicals who actually think I believe in God.

Don Jr.: I don’t want to go either.

Trump: You’re going, and do not put your hand in front of your face, pretend to sneeze and say, “Blow job” when we’re praying.

Jared: I shouldn’t have to go.

Trump: You’re going. And this year, keep your driedle in your pants.

Melania: I know what will cheer you up. Eric, Greta is cleaning my walk-in jewelry closet. Tell her to come in.

Trump: Yeah, get her in here. Giving our housekeeper her annual Christmas beating always cheers me up.

He finally smiled.

Ken Hecht

 

CENSORSHIP

 

Donald Trump and his criminal enterprise, aka, his administration and family held a secret meeting last week to decide on which words to censor from the American public.

Trump: Thank you all for coming here. I have some great ideas of what to censor because I know a lot of words. Some are even five letters long, like clock and shoe. Now-

John Kelly: Sorry to interrupt, Sir, but I’m wondering why there are two people that look like Dinah Shore and Johnny Mathis here.

Trump: Oh, that’s Jared and Ivanka. They’ve been hiding out and are joining us today from Middle Earth. Doesn’t my daughter look even prettier than Johnny Mathis?… Kids, great disguises. Much nicer than the Ku Klux Klan leisure suits.

Ben Carson: Mr. President, I’d like to suggest we ban the CDC from using any words that describe antibiotics.

Tillerson: Why would we do that, Snowflake?

Carson: Because we don’t want people to think their government gives a rat’s ass about their health. Remember, we’re dedicated to lowering the American average life span to forty-seven years so we can dump Medicare.

There was raucous applause that was interrupted when a White House steward wheeled a tray with danish and coffee into the room. The steward asked, “May I serve someone?”

Kelly:  God dammit, Omarosa. You look like an idiot with that mustache. Get out of-

The Secret Service dashed in, cuffed her and started dragging her out.

Omarosa: Mr. President, please…

Trump: No can do babe… But remember, I love you like you were a white person.

After she was dragged from the room:

Pence: Everyone… let’s get back to the censorship this country deserves

Kellyanne Conway: I say we ban the words, “Bags under her eyes.”

Rex Tillerson: Who the hell are you?

Trump: Look, this is boring. Censor any words you like. I’m out of here.

He got up and walked towards the door, then turned back to look at Ivanka. “Darling, noon, the Oval Office and don’t forget the mistletoe.

Ken Hecht

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And now my daughter, JM, will sing “Chances Are.”

SWEET HOME ALABAMA

 

Earlier this week, Donald Trump placed a call to his new best pal, Roy Moore. What follows is a somewhat legally-obtained transcript of that call.

Trump: Hey, Roy. I’m calling to wish you luck and remind you that it’s vital we keep people with empathy and compassion out of my government.

Moore: I know, sir, and let me say that your endorsement is just another example of the many blessings the Lord has bestowed upon me. Did you know that I’ve been to more high school proms than anyone else?

Trump: I don’t doubt it, and I know that you’ll make a big difference for America when you become a senator.

Moore:  Absolutely, sir. I promise you that a year after I get to D.C., half the city will be married to their cousins.

Trump: Well, I’m pretty sure that most of the Republicans in Congress already are.

Moore:  God bless them. Would you take a moment to pray with me, Mr. President?

Trump: Pass. I don’t like teenage girls that much.

Moore: Not that kind of prey, sir… Listen, this is my favorite passage from the Bible, Corinthians Four. “And God shall protect and comfort the nubile, young girls and send a mighty wind to lift up their skirts.”

Trump: Man, you are a real sickie.

Moore: Thanks for noticing.

Trump: Can I assume you’ll be able to deliver the Jewish vote now that I’ve declared Jerusalem the capital of Israel?

Moore:  I don’t know, Mr. Trump. We have the six Jews in Alabama under house-arrest and they’ve been very critical of me.

Trump: Oh, that’s just them kvetching. They live for it. Just ignore them.

Moore: I can’t. Where do the Jews come off questioning my morals?… For God’s sakes, those people blow their shofars.

Trump: Roy, I think-

Moore: Gotta run, sir. My church’s day school is letting out soon and I have to find a good spot to hide in the bushes. Praise the Lord.

Ken Hecht

http://www.theleftwinggazette.com/