The Trump family entered their winter home at Mar-A-Lago on Christmas Eve. There were big smiles all around except for President Pouty Face.
Eric: Caroling was really fun this year.
Ivanka: It was, but Jared, darling, it’s “Joy to the World,” not “Jew to the World.”
Melania: Darling, your top lip is curling up over your nose. What’s wrong?”
Trump: Everything’s wrong. I’m not getting enough credit for my tax plan… and you think anybody gives a crap that I’m responsible for Christianity?
Ivanka: I didn’t know that, daddy.
Trump: Well, I am. Look, there’s no Christianity if Mary and Joseph didn’t check into the Trump International Manger and Resort. She was about to pop, so we gave them complimentary forceps.
Ivanka: Daddy, would it cheer you up if I sat in your lap under the mistletoe?
Trump: Yes, no, I don’t know.
Donald Jr.: Come on, pop, smile. Remember, people are dying in Jerusalem because you made it the Capital of Israel.
Trump: Well, I do feel good about that, but I’m so pissed at Mueller’s investigation I could spit blood. Damnit, I have absolutely nothing to do with the Russians.
Ivanka: Borscht-nog, daddy?
Trump: Thanks, Sweetheart.
Eric: Do we really have to go to church later?
Trump: Yes. Attending church impresses those dimwitted evangelicals who actually think I believe in God.
Don Jr.: I don’t want to go either.
Trump: You’re going, and do not put your hand in front of your face, pretend to sneeze and say, “Blow job” when we’re praying.
Jared: I shouldn’t have to go.
Trump: You’re going. And this year, keep your driedle in your pants.
Melania: I know what will cheer you up. Eric, Greta is cleaning my walk-in jewelry closet. Tell her to come in.
Trump: Yeah, get her in here. Giving our housekeeper her annual Christmas beating always cheers me up.
He finally smiled.