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Month: January 2018

STATE OF THE UNION

 

STATE OF THE UNION

We have obtained, through highly questionable means, a partial copy of tonight’s State of the Union Speech, some of which has been hyphenated so the President can pronounce words with five or more letters.

President Trump:

Ladies and gentleman, as I look around the room, I see many dis-ting-wished persons. Also present, and I expect much praise for this, are people I invited here from three shithole countries in the Ca-rib-e-an. You are most welcome here in this hal-owed building, but please refrain from scarifying any chickens or goats until I’ve finished.

To prove that I’m not a racist and that I stand in solidarity with your great countries, I’d just like to say, “Day-o, Dayyy-o. Daylight come an  me wan’ go home.”

Believe me, America, when I tell you, the state of our union has never been better. Oh, sure, Melania and I have our squa-bels, especially after she tries to poison me. But we work it out when I show her the pre-nup she signed. When it comes to me, she always realizes which side her bread is slimed on.

Always remember, America is a nation of love and kindness and it is these two things that occupy my heart along with two valve blockages.

The American economy has come roaring back. An example of this is the coal industry where statistics show that I’ve created almost twelve new jobs

I know that ima-gray-shon is on everyone’s mind, so let me state that I’m one-hundred-per-cent in favor of Daca. But America, in the future, has to be smarter about who we let into our country.

I will ask Congress to send me a bill that will ensure we let a higher percentage of Christians into America. My plan will be called “Come to America Christians All.”

“Come to America Christians All” will be one of my landmark victories that helps insure that the Donald Trump years will always be known as the Caca presidency.

Thelegtwinggazette.com

TRUMP’S REAL RESULTS

TRUMP’S REAL RESULTS

The Left Wing Gazette is proud to announce that we’ve just been voted the world’s favorite nonexistent newspaper. We owe this honor to our loyal readers that number in the teens, and can best be described as intelligent, open-minded and holding  a tenuous grasp on reality at best.

Our utter disdain of President Donald (Porn Stars Rock) Trump has been made clear many times over. These feelings aside, we occasionally strive for fairness, and believe the President has gotten a raw deal on his weight.

Our sources tell us that he did weigh 239 pounds at his physical. They also tell us that next year he’s expected to put both feet on the scale.

Trump’s physician, Dr. Ronnie Jackson, took an immediate liking to the president when Trump said, “You’re Navy, right?”

Jackson responded, “That’s right.”

Trump said, “I support the Military… The Navy… isn’t that the one with the boats?”

The exam began with Trump’s blood being taken. When the results came back, they showed that his blood is comprised mostly of Secret Sauce. His cholesterol was 416, which is in the normal range according to the prestigious “Ronald McDonald Journal of Medicine.”

When asked about his sleep habits, the President informed Dr. Jackson that he only gets four or five hours a night and that it takes him a long time to fall asleep. The doctor asked Trump if he could think of anything that could help him get to sleep more quickly.

Trump thought for a second and then said, “Sure. I could talk to Mike Pence before I go to bed.”

Jackson wanted to know about the president’s stress level. Trump grew worried and told him that he was often stressed out. He then added, “This immigration thing in particular is really bothering me. I think I may need to lighten up on the restrictions I’ve asked for. I mean, if I don’t, where am I going to get my future wives from?”

 

the leftwing gazette.com

 

 

 

 

 

TRUMP’S PHYSICAL

TRUMP’S PHYSICAL

The results of Donald Trump’s physical were stellar. The results of his cognitive test was most impressive. Asked to identify an apple, a shoe, a pencil, a doorknob and a pretzel, the President only confused the shoe and the pretzel.

Two days before the physical, the doctors at Walter Reed Medical Center drew straws to determine who would examine Trump. When Dr. Ronny Jackson lost, the other physicians, after talking the tearful Jackson off a ledge, recommended that before Trump came in, he requisition a ten-foot-pole.

When Trump entered the exam room, he immediately told Dr. Jackson, “I really don’t need this. I have health. I have the best health… I could’ve been a doctor. I’m way smarter than you.”

Jackson let the remark go and asked, “Did you consider going to medical school?”

Trump: I couldn’t. I’m allergic to helping people.

Dr. Jackson: Then it’s good you chose a career in scumbagging.  Let’s get your weight.

Trump: It’s one-eighty.

Jackson: Please, Mr. President…

Trump galumphed over to the scale where Jackson’s nurse, Mary Billings, waited. When he stepped onto it, it read one-seventy-eight? “Uh sir, I need you to put your left foot on there as well.”

After recording his tonnage, she took his blood pressure and told Dr. Jackson “212 over 140.”

Jackson: Love it.

Nurse Billings began to draw the President’s blood. As the thick, orange liquid poured from Trump’s body, Dr. Jackson said, “I understand that you eat a lot of red meat.”

Trump: Yeah, so?

Jackson: It’s not good for you. Do you like fish?

Trump: Goldfish. They’re good for dipping.

Jackson: Adding some real fish to your diet would be a good idea.

Trump: Bite me, you quack.

The doctor thought to himself, “What a douche,” but moved on.

Jackson: Okay… I need to check your prostate. Bend over, please.

Trump: Whatever. Let’s get this nonsense over with.

As Trump dropped his pants and bent over, a shocked Nurse Jackson blurted out, “Good God, there’s more cellulite there than at a Weight Watchers meeting.”

Trump: I have the best cellulite.

Dr. Jackson looked at the bent over President, got the ten foot pole, leveled it like a lance and charged towards Trump.

Theleftwinggazette.com