STATE OF THE UNION
We have obtained, through highly questionable means, a partial copy of tonight’s State of the Union Speech, some of which has been hyphenated so the President can pronounce words with five or more letters.
Ladies and gentleman, as I look around the room, I see many dis-ting-wished persons. Also present, and I expect much praise for this, are people I invited here from three shithole countries in the Ca-rib-e-an. You are most welcome here in this hal-owed building, but please refrain from scarifying any chickens or goats until I’ve finished.
To prove that I’m not a racist and that I stand in solidarity with your great countries, I’d just like to say, “Day-o, Dayyy-o. Daylight come an me wan’ go home.”
Believe me, America, when I tell you, the state of our union has never been better. Oh, sure, Melania and I have our squa-bels, especially after she tries to poison me. But we work it out when I show her the pre-nup she signed. When it comes to me, she always realizes which side her bread is slimed on.
Always remember, America is a nation of love and kindness and it is these two things that occupy my heart along with two valve blockages.
The American economy has come roaring back. An example of this is the coal industry where statistics show that I’ve created almost twelve new jobs
I know that ima-gray-shon is on everyone’s mind, so let me state that I’m one-hundred-per-cent in favor of Daca. But America, in the future, has to be smarter about who we let into our country.
I will ask Congress to send me a bill that will ensure we let a higher percentage of Christians into America. My plan will be called “Come to America Christians All.”
“Come to America Christians All” will be one of my landmark victories that helps insure that the Donald Trump years will always be known as the Caca presidency.