Month: February 2018



Since America’s most recent slaughter, in Parkland, Florida, the NRA has once again wrapped itself in our American flag, soiling it with their cold-blooded indifference to human life.

NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre, immediately convened a strategy meeting in the organization’s hallowed Charles Whitman room.

Before calling the session to order, LaPierre went to the men’s room to wash the blood off his hands. But in that they have more blood on them than you see in a Quentin Tarantino movie, he gave up after an hour.

A tragedy occurred before the meeting started when Recording Secretary Shirley Panzer was killed when she accidently opened the wrong closet and LaPierre’s fifteen-million dollar weekly payoff from Colt, Winchester and Smith & Wesson fell on her head.

After several members, showing the NRA’s typical compassion, stashed her body behind a ficus, LaPierre began by telling the gathered, “We’re taking a public relations beating by the left, who, despite our considerable efforts, still refuse to see the upside of carnage.

Many boos were heard.

LaPierre: I don’t want to, but to help protect our image, I am cancelling our annual “Entry Wound Bakeoff.”

Some in the crowd pleaded with him not to.

LaPierre: I’m sorry, but we’re under siege. To help put an end to it, we need a spokesperson who is devoid of a conscience as well as being a world class liar. I have a call in to Sarah Sanders.

An aide to LaPierre walked up to him, carrying a phone and saying, “It’s important.” He asked the aide, “Is it Satan?” “No sir, he’s on hold.” The NRA’s leader took the phone.

LaPierre: Hello… Hey everyone, it’s Dracula…

The room erupted with applause.

LaPierre: Of course I’ll tell them… Dracula wants you all to know that someday he hopes to be as bloodthirsty as we are.”




The only people in the world who don’t believe that Russia meddled in our 2016 election are Donald Trump’s many supporters, most of whom don’t have opposing thumbs.

With every security agency in America telling the President that meddling did take place, Trump is feeling pressure to moderate his public position. But he knew that before he could do that, he needed permission from Vladimir Putin.

Trump begged Melania to ask for Putin’s okay by skyping topless but she lovingly told him, “Get bent.”

With Kellyanne Conway away competing in Romania’s Annual Vampire Contest, Trump was out of options until Sarah Sanders offered to replcae Melania and make the call, nude.

Trump passed on the offer, but said she should get to the press room and continue lying through her teeth. He then placed the call himself.

Trump: Hello Vladimir.

Putin: What do you want?

Trump: Well-

Putin: Hold it. Do it.

Trump: Vladimir, no, please, not again.

Putin: Bark.

Trump: But-

Putin: Bark, dog boy.

Trump: Geez… Arf, arf, arf.

Putin: Good boy. Now, why are you bothering me?

Trump: Listen, gaunt Robert Mueller has indicted thirteen Russian nationals for interfering in my election. I’m getting killed in the polls. You’ve got to at least let me acknowledge that there’s a chance you may have meddled in the election.

Putin: I don’t have to do dick for you, Donny. Remember, I have that porno with you wearing black socks.

Trump: You were wearing black socks, too.

Putin: Yes, but not on my ears… You’re wasting my time, you buffoon. Now I’m going to go sit on a horse with my shirt off.

Trump: Okay, good-

Putin: Aren’t you forgetting something, Donald?

Trump: Please Vladimir, no…

Putin: Now.

Trump: Arf, arf, arf.

Putin: Good boy.







President Trump was kind enough to put a short hold on his relentless drive to undo every decent thing that America has accomplished over the last sixty years in order to give us us an interview.

We were ushered into the Oval Office and found it to be most impressive except for the two-hundred Big Mac wrappers on the floor.

While we wanted to discuss Trump’s military parade, we felt that first we had to approach his Rob Porter problem.

Us: Mr. Trump, your use of the words “mere allegations” seemed dismissive of the serious nature of domestic abuse.

Trump: Look, I know that sometimes domestic abuse is a bad thing. But believe me when I tell you that Rob Porter is a good man.

Us: And you know this, how?

Us: Because he’s nice to me and he gave me his word that he’s never hit a woman over seventy.

Us: Uh… maybe we should move on. People want to know why you want a military parade.

Trump: I want to stand on a podium and have my army salute me while the band plays “Eve of Destruction.” I don’t see why people are so upset. Lots of countries do it.

Us: Mostly countries run by dictators.

Trump: What’s your point?… Look, my parade will be the best parade, and it will be led by America’s oldest Medal of Honor winner, Beetle Bailey.

Us: Is it meant to serve as a warning to North Korea?

Trump: Absolutely. North… that’s the bad Korea, right?

Us: Right… Many are saying that your parade will cost too much.

Trump: Ridiculous. We already have the tanks and missiles. And I’m a great negotiator, so I’ll get us a great price on the jackboots and Kaiser Wilhelm pointy hats.

Us: Many of your critics believe that a parade will stamp you as a war monger.

Trump: Those people are just jealous because I have a brilliant military mind. The best military mind. And, believe me, the world will celebrate Donald Trump next week when I’ll reveal my plans to invade Russia this winter.