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Month: March 2018

STORMY and KAREN

STORMY and KAREN

The “Left Wing Gazette” proudly announces that we have achieved a journalistic first for nonexistent newspapers. Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal agreed to sit down and tell us about the man each had an affair with.

Lwg: What about your time with President Trump stands out most in your minds?

Stormy: Well, he was very generous.

Karen: I agree. He always paid for my meals as long as I ordered from the kid’s menu.

Stormy: He’s a true giver. He paid for my left breast implant and my plane fare to Nicaragua.

Lwg: Left imp- hold on. Donald Trump wouldn’t give away ice in the winter. He must’ve wanted something in return.

Stormy: I gave him visitation rights every other weekend and for a month during the summer when he takes it to Hawaii.

Lwg: Just curious. What about your right breast? How did you get that?

Stormy: I had a Groupon.

Lwg: Interesting… What is it that attracted you to Donald Trump?

Karen: Well, I’ve always been attracted to tyrants.

Lwg: They turn you on?

Karen: Yes, even more than men with prostate problems.

Lwg: I wonder what you both think about a married man who consistently has  sex with so many women.

Stormy: I’ve often thought Donald was a dog, but that’s mostly because his bark sounds so real.

Lwg: He barks during sex?

Stormy: He takes requests.

Lwg: Were there any STDs involved in either of your relationships with Mr. Trump?

Karen: Not me.

Stormy: Me either. He’s very clean. I mean once and a while he’d forget to wash one of his folds of fat and sometimes there’d be a day-old bagel in there.

Lwg: And that didn’t gross you out?

Stormy: Only when there was lox on it.

Lwg: Karen, you’ve expressed regret in the past for sleeping with Donald Trump knowing that he was married.

Karen: That’s right. It was wrong to do and I’m sorry.

Lwg: Well, if it helps any, millions of Americans are sorry that he’s f**king us, too.

 

Theleftwinggazette.com

 

 

 

WE HAVE A WINNER

WE HAVE A WINNER

Donald Trump, who changes his reality more often than he changes his socks, called his boss, Vladimir Putin, to congratulate him on his re-election.

Trump: Vladimir, congrats on winning your rigged election. I look forward to many  more years of following your orders.

Putin: Good. I’ll keep helping you ruin America as long as you keep kissing my ass every day.

Trump: Sure thing. I just ordered more Chapstick.

Putin: Great. I’ve got to go. I’m scheduled to take my shirt off and sit on a horse.

Trump: I tried that recently, but the horse started to cry… Listen, I could really use some help.

Putin: Where’d you put your dick this time?

Trump: I think it’s in my other pants, but I have another problem. People with morals are trying to destroy my presidency.

Putin: Which you don’t need any help with.

Trump: That’s right.

Putin: What about Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan. Can’t they help?

Trump: Later, maybe. But right now they’re busy overseeing the construction of the “Republican Museum of Cowardice.” It’s going to be great. It’ll have hundreds of holes for our members to crawl into.

Putin: Why don’t you order a poison-tipped umbrella from Amazon? That’s where we get ours.

Trump: Why didn’t I think of that?

Putin: Because you’re a moron. Anything else?

Trump: Well,  I’m hoping you’ll give me a call just before you attack us?

Putin: Absolutely.

Trump: Good. That way I’ll have time to hide under my desk and save myself.

Putin: Smart… Listen, I want a favor from you as well, Donald.

Trump: Anything.

Putin: Do you have Stormy Daniels’s number?

Trump: I do. Be sure to buy her deluxe package. It comes with two syringes so you can give each other penicillin shots.

theleftwinggazette.com

 

BETSY DeVOS

BETSY DeVOS

Sounding like her babbling idiot boss on last Sunday’s “60 Minutes,” Betsy DeVos is now a leading contender for the “Trump’s Most Incompetent Cabinet Member” contest at this summer’s Republican “Dumb-Off” to be held in Clueless, Arkansas. Her main competition for the President’s most unfit member is everyone else in the Cabinet.

To try and redeem herself from her “60 Minute” debacle, DeVos sat down for an interview with us.

Us: President Trump seems to have caved in to the NRA, backing away from his proposal to raise the age limit for gun buyers. Do you have any thoughts on this?

DeVoss: I can’t say it any more eloquently than he did, so let me quote the President. “The issue for people who have age and want guns shouldn’t be decided by the fact they have birthday parties with balloons and clowns, some of whom are armed and squirt water recklessly.”

Us: Thanks for clearing that up… How do answer your critics who claim that since you’ve been wealthy your whole life, you can’t understand the problems of poor students?

DeVos: That’s ridiculous. I understand that the poor have many of the same needs as real people. Needs like, air, food and manicures.

Us: I understand that you’re a very religious woman.

DeVoss: That’s right. I can quote from the Bible.

Us: Please, don’t… Let’s move on. How do you feel about a porn star claiming she had sex with the President right after his wife gave birth to their son?

DeVos: The Lord works in mysterious ways, and if he sees fit to send a dirty, salacious and lewd woman with long legs to attend Donald Trump’s sagging loins, then who am I to question that?

Us: After Sunday night, do you feel that your job is safe?

DeVos: Absolutely. I spoke to the President right after the show and he assured me that my job was secure. In fact, he told me that I’m only one of two cabinet members whose job was safe.

Us: Did he mention who the other one was?

DeVoss: Yes. Rex Tillerson.

theleftwinggazette.com