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Month: April 2018

LEGAL EAGLE

LEGAL EAGLE

Donald Trump, after being turned down by every licensed and disbarred lawyer in America, finally found three that would defend him. Rudy Giuliani leads the new team. Trump was able to locate New York’s former mayor on his “Creeps Needing Work” app.

Giuliani, after graduating from New York’s prestigious “College of Legal Thuggery,” rose quickly to become a U.S. Attorney where he earned a reputation for prosecuting all manner of criminals. So dedicated was he that every morning when he looked in the mirror, he had himself arrested. Giuliani made so many visits to jail, and became so popular, that eventually he was allowed to pick his own husband.

In 1968, Giuliani married his second cousin. He did this because his first cousin turned him down. The couple was married for fourteen years and are the proud parents of three children with webbed feet. Rudy’s favorite is the one that was born without a tail.

Adding to the legend that is Rudy Giuliani, he once announced, publically, that he was divorcing his second wife without having told her in advance. Humiliating his wife this way met two of Trump’s most important requirements to be his friend: being devoid of decency and having less class than two dead flies.

Trump tried to enlist Chris Christie for his legal team, but the former New Jersey Governor is blocking a tunnel that runs between Jersey and New York. He got stuck while entering the Jersey side and it is hoped that rescue crews will be able to free him by late June. He’s in no real danger, as he’s being fed rectally. Christie, seizing this opportunity to lose weight, has requested that he be restricted to sixty-five-thousand calories a day.

Trump is happy to have Giuliani join him but not as happy as Sarah Sanders, who enjoys long walks on the beach, beautiful sunsets and making gentle love to things that slither.

This just in: Giuliani’s third wife just filed for divorce.

theleftwinggazette.com

 

 

TRUMPSTITUTES

TRUMPSITITUTES

Rumors of a tape of Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin having sex with prostitutes, in a Moscow 5 star hotel, who then used Trump as a bathroom facility, continue to surface. Both tyrants have denied this and claimed that there weren’t any hookers in the hotel at that time. But a housekeeper, Natasha Fatale, who’s since disappeared, said she overheard two prostitutes in a bathroom with one saying to the other, “Not a squarski to sparski.”

We’ve transcribed an old VCR tape of Trump and Putin as they waited for the girls in the hotel’s elegant Urology Suite.

Trump: Vlado, babe, thanks. I really need this. I haven’t had sex in almost two hours.

Putin: Okay, just relax and don’t hump the courtesy bar again… These girls are worth the wait. They’re twins. And they look like your daughter.

Trump: Hubba, hubba… man, the best sex I ever had was in New Orleans with twins. They were twenty-two and twenty-four.

Putin: Twenty- wait. Are you sure they were twins?

Trump: That’s what the Hispanic one said.

The Russian dictator mumbled “moron” to himself, before:

Putin: I saw the girls before. They were drinking two-hundred ounces of Gatorade.

Trump: “Gatorade?”

Putin: Lemon-lime.

Trump: Yay… Listen, I hate to mix business with pleasure, but I’m ready to launder more money. What’s going on with my loans?

Putin: My oligarchs want to know if you ever plan to play them back.

Trump: I had the money ready to send them, but then Melania went shopping. She bought fifteen pounds of jewelry, sixty-five gold and diamond watches and a hundred cashmere Tampons.

Putin: Tamp- no, she…

Trump: That’s nothing compared to the twelve elephant tusks… Jesus, can’t she just use a vibrator like other women?

There was a knock on the door. Sasha and Nina Khrushchev, both gorgeous, walked in. They took one look at Trump.

Sasha: We didn’t drink enough Gatorade.

Theleftwinggazette.com

 

SCOTT PRUITT

SCOTT PRUITT

EPA chief Scott Pruitt, according to the periodical “Republican Greed Monthly,” was born in Kentucky to parents who were deeply religious and heavily committed to their church, “Our Lady of Perpetual Self Entitlement.”

His parents wanted only the best for the boy, and when Scott’s teeth finally came in, they had them removed so that one day he’d be able to fit in with Kentucky society.

The family had to leave Kentucky when Scott started writing love letters to a race horse, Countess Darlene. Darlene didn’t want to break off the relationship becaue Pruitt often took her out for oats and a movie.

Fearing they might one day end up with a speedy grandchild with a tail, the Pruitts moved to Oklahoma, where the morons come sweeping down the plain.

On the family’s journey there, his folks told him stories about the state’s famous dust bowl. Young Scott was terribly disappointed when they arrived in Oklahoma and he didn’t see poor people starving to death in the streets. Mr. and Mrs. Pruitt were ecstatic, now knowing for certain that their child would grow up to be a Republican.

Pruitt studied law and graduated magna cum laude from the University of Tulsa’s prestigious “Sanford and Son School of Law.” He entered politics and soon became the Attorney General of Oklahoma.

As the state’s A.G., he quickly eliminated his office’s EPA unit and sued the EPA fourteen times, all the while sending nude pictures of himself to Countess Darlene.

As Pruitt was the worst possible choice for the Job, Donald Trump, in his never-ending quest to hire the least qualified people he could find, appointed him head of the EPA.

Pruitt recently said the EPA “has been a bastion of liberalism since day one.”

We can’t really argue with this point, as the EPA was begun in 1970 under commie left wing President Richard Nixon.

theleftwinggazette.com