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Month: May 2018

CRISIS

CRISIS

We tried to get Donald Trump to grant us an interview on Memorial Day, but we were told that he’d be busy laying a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Porn Star.

Fortunately, Mike Pence, AKA, the “political dummy,” sat down with us once we guaranteed him that we’d conduct a sweep of the room to make sure there were no women in it.

When he arrived we asked him what he would like to talk about.

Pence: Democratic women. I’m very troubled by the amount of them running for congress.

Us: Why is that?

Pence: Because these pants-wearing females, who menstruate for no good reason, threaten the extreme right wing’s most important goal of slamming on America’s brakes, jamming the nation into reverse and getting us back to the 1950s ASAP.

Us: Why the 1950s?

Pence: It was our country’s greatest decade. It was marked by the systematic repression of women, which led to them knowing their place. Ah, good times.

Us: Do you think women are to blame for today’s problems?

Pence: Democratic women are. During the 50s, these estrogen-filled subversives, who were once content from their excessive use of tranquilizers, started questioning things.

Us: So, you’re in favor of sedating these women?

Pence: Right. It would help them follow the example set by Republican women, whose minds are rusted shut by blind obedience to authority.  These women can proudly say that they’ve never had an original thought. We owe a debt of gratitude to these wonderful ladies who are raising America’s future followers.

Us: Why is that a good thing?

Pence: Look, we just can’t have women asking questions. Did you know that the only question women asked in the Bible was, “May I be excused to go to the bathroom behind that whale with the guy in its stomach?”

Us: I didn’t know that.

Pence: Listen. What Democratic women fail to recognize is that questions often lead to knowledge. The rush these women get from acquiring knowledge often leads to asking more questions. This just feeds their unnatural desire to be treated as equals. It’s America’s biggest crisis.

Us: Does your wife ever think for herself?

Pence: She did once, but the electroshock therapy put an end to that.

theleftwinggazette.com

 

NO COLLUSION HERE

NO COLLUSION HERE

On June 9, 2016, FFA (Future Felons of America), Donald Trump Jr., Jared Kushner and Paul Manafort met with Russian lawyer Natalia Veselnitskya, who had ties to the Russian government and claimed that she had dirt on Hillary Clinton.

The Senate Judiciary Committee has just released a report claiming the meeting did not prove that any collusion occurred. Democrats vigorously attacked the report, but Chairman Charles Grassley vigorously defended it. Chairman Grassley’s word would carry a lot more weight if he hadn’t passed away twenty-three years ago.

When Don Jr. learned about the offer to trash Hillary, he became excessively aroused and developed priapism, which caused an erection that lasted over two days. The condition is very painful and he was grateful to lose his engorged member in a White House hallway when he saw Sarah Sanders approaching.

Typical of the due diligence President Trump and his people have come to be known for, Paul Manafort investigated Russian lawyer Natalia Vesenbofkpopovowitz, and learned from the dating website “Spies.com” that she likes “Holding hands, beautiful sunsets and is one day hoping to memorize the spelling of her last name.”

Manafort cleared Natalia Vellstentanovichskyberg and Jared and Jr. scheduled the illegal meeting.

When the meeting was set, Kushner was asked if, as a Jew, he didn’t have a problem sitting down with the Russians since they’ve persecuted the Jewish  people for centuries. He replied, “No, Russia has become a really a nifty country under Vladimir Putin and America will love it when he’s running our country, too.”

Prior to entering the Trump Tower’s Pol Pot Conference Room, Paul Manafort wiped the drool off of Don Jr.’s mouth and demanded that he stop slobbering and not scratch behind his ears during the meeting.

When the unholy three finally sat down with Natalia Vosasalnytnovichbikgoboakstein, they quickly found out they’d been played and that Vesskaskyrefkatannenbaum had no dirt on Hillary and only wanted to talk about easing American sanctions on Russia. Kushner and Manafort were furious and berated her as Don Jr. barked aggressively.

Before walking out of the meeting, they made her give back her Donald Trump bobble-head doll. Manafort immediately handed it to Don Jr. who carried it out of the room in his mouth.

theleftwinggazette.com

 

 

 

PROMISES FULFILLED

PROMISES FULFILLED

The Left Wing Gazette’s staff — me and my dog, Bear — feel that in the interest of fake journalistic integrity, we are obliged to run an op-ed piece from our favorite right wing loon: Sarah Sanders.

During 2016’s Republican primary, many ill-meaning people like myself eventually came to believe Donald Trump gave us the best chance of leading the nation back to the insensitive, uncaring and cruel-because-it’s-fun 1950s. It was my fondest hope that that would come to pass and to allow me to realize my lifelong dream of pooping in a “Whites Only” bathroom.

I and other conservatives were won over by the New Yorker’s penchant for picking on disabled people as well as minorities that couldn’t defend themselves. Another plus in helping to win over the closed-minded, bigoted and toothless people who are America’s backbone, was his God-given gift: the ability to lie about… everything.

Mr. Trump’s presidency has reinforced the beliefs of all bitter and Grinch-faced Republicans that extremism is the only thing that can keep America from further sinking into a morally deficient nation that reflects the rancid mores of liberals who currently dwell in humidity-infested South Beach.

The President feels that he can begin saving jobs in China since fulfiing his promise to create twelve new coal mining jobs.

Thanks to the venom that courses through his blood along with his cholesterol, my president’s actions have now killed so many people that have come near him that he now has a higher toxicity rating than ricin. The current and growing number of deaths that have resulted from him moving our embassy to Jerusalem only serve to cement his reputation as the Amityville President. Face it, it doesn’t get any better that this.

President Trump is truly blessed in that the religious right has chosen to embrace his misogynistic ways by quoting the New Testament’s “Book of Philandering,” which states, “The Lord looks favorably upon any man who can bore a porn star with sub-par sex.” They go on to quote the book’s passage that says, “God loves men whose fingers are too stubby to reach a woman’s clitoris without acrylic nail extensions.”

Praise the Lord.

Theleftwinggazette.com