We tried to get Donald Trump to grant us an interview on Memorial Day, but we were told that he’d be busy laying a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Porn Star.
Fortunately, Mike Pence, AKA, the “political dummy,” sat down with us once we guaranteed him that we’d conduct a sweep of the room to make sure there were no women in it.
When he arrived we asked him what he would like to talk about.
Pence: Democratic women. I’m very troubled by the amount of them running for congress.
Us: Why is that?
Pence: Because these pants-wearing females, who menstruate for no good reason, threaten the extreme right wing’s most important goal of slamming on America’s brakes, jamming the nation into reverse and getting us back to the 1950s ASAP.
Us: Why the 1950s?
Pence: It was our country’s greatest decade. It was marked by the systematic repression of women, which led to them knowing their place. Ah, good times.
Us: Do you think women are to blame for today’s problems?
Pence: Democratic women are. During the 50s, these estrogen-filled subversives, who were once content from their excessive use of tranquilizers, started questioning things.
Us: So, you’re in favor of sedating these women?
Pence: Right. It would help them follow the example set by Republican women, whose minds are rusted shut by blind obedience to authority. These women can proudly say that they’ve never had an original thought. We owe a debt of gratitude to these wonderful ladies who are raising America’s future followers.
Us: Why is that a good thing?
Pence: Look, we just can’t have women asking questions. Did you know that the only question women asked in the Bible was, “May I be excused to go to the bathroom behind that whale with the guy in its stomach?”
Us: I didn’t know that.
Pence: Listen. What Democratic women fail to recognize is that questions often lead to knowledge. The rush these women get from acquiring knowledge often leads to asking more questions. This just feeds their unnatural desire to be treated as equals. It’s America’s biggest crisis.
Us: Does your wife ever think for herself?
Pence: She did once, but the electroshock therapy put an end to that.