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Month: June 2018

COMMENDATION

COMMENDATION

Last week, Donald Trump continuing his “Hate is Great Tour,” went to Ohio to show off his latest letter of commendation from Satan. Addressed to, “America’s Dictator Wannabe,” it lauded Trump for being the greatest “failed human experiment” in history since Hitler. The President’s pride swelled as he pictured himself in jackboots, wearing an armband and with a short black mustache while giving orders to invade Poland – which he thinks is next to Brazil.

Trump’s latest honor was achieved by tearing immigrant families apart and traumatizing children who are guilty of the heinous crime of being born with brown skin.

As a reward, the Devil assured Trump that he will, prior to Trump own arrival in hell, furnish him with an endless supply of idiots stupid enough to believe that he has a clue as to what working people’s lives are like, let alone give a rat’s ass about them.

Lucifer also guaranteed a never-ending stream of racist morons to attend his pathetic ego boosting-rallies, who will applaud his disassociated ramblings and continually praise his acts of Presidential cruelty.

Trump told the room that Satan greatly appreciates the way many of them have prostituted Jesus’ teachings to fit their hate-mongering. To accommodate these bigots as he awaits their arrival, he’s enlarging the Strom Thurmond wing of hell.

The applause was deafening.

The President then told everyone, “It’s the Democrats’ fault that Satan has gotten a bad rap for so long.  The Devil is an inspiration to all people without morals or a conscience. I don’t like to brag, but that includes my entire family and everyone working in the White House, most especially Stephen Miller who is the world’s leading self-hating Jew.”

The intellectually-limited crowd began jumping around wildly while chanting, “Down with matzoh.”

Prior to introducing Ted Nugent and his “Musical Hate Band, the President reminded everyone that “America’s bigots and racists are badly misunderstood,” Adding, “Like me, some of them know that slavery can be a bad thing outside of agricultural states.”

theleftwinggazette.com

 

 

 

 

PRISONER 45343

PRISONER 45343

Last Friday, federal judge Amy Berman Jackson revoked Paul Manafort’s bail for jury tampering. Manafort is, of course, one of Donald Trump’s closest friends. The two men enjoy each other’s company so much that once a year they travel to the New Mexican desert to bond by slithering under rocks and shedding their skins.

Prior to his sentencing, Manafort became emotional in the courtroom when he begged the judge to show mercy while telling her that it was un-American to separate millionaires from their families.

Before Manafort was taken to jail, authorities removed his two ankle monitors. Moments later, as he was being led away, the authorities couldn’t find the ankle monitors.

When he arrived at the jail in Virginia, Manafort, who will steal anything that’s not nailed down, thought he’d put one over on his captors, but his plan was foiled when the monitors were recovered during his strip search.

The authorities had already taken his belt and tie from him in order to prevent his attempting suicide. Manafort taunted his captors by telling them, “At least you can’t take my morals or principles away from me.”

Upon hearing this, Satan called his BFF, Donald Trump, and asked him to thank Manafort for the best laugh he’d had, “since you were elected President.”

Manafort was sent to the jail’s VIP unit. VIP is known in the American Penal System as “Very Important Pigs.” The pig unit is easily identifiable by the picture of Scott Pruitt hanging above the entrance.

Most of the jail’s population was saddened when they learned that Manafort would be isolated, as they had already picked Bubba Goldstein to be his husband.

When Manafort entered his cell, he realized the he was the only person in the entire VIP unit. Knowing that he had no one to cheat or steal from, he became furious and began cursing and spitting at the guards. They returned his belt and tie to him.

theleftwinggazette.com

 

 

 

 

PSYCHO SUMMIT

PSYCHO SUMMIT

Kim Jong-Un, who is trying to legitimize his country, and Donald Trump, who is well on his way to destroying his, have met in Singapore. Very little was expected from these two loons who are less balanced than Fox News.

Kim flew out of North Korea with two identical planes also leaving at the same time. It is known that one of those planes carried his bullet-proof limo and a portable toilet filled with Donald Trump toilet paper.

Security is the reason Kim always has a Port-A-Potty with him. His droppings have the highest security clearance so that nobody can get their hands on his stool. This way his enemies cannot learn about the state of his health or the fact that he loves corn.

After arriving in Singapore, the Supreme Leader surprised everyone when he went out to experience the city’s night life. He was surrounded by hundreds of his guards, who were stuck so tightly to him, that at one point, when the jostling became fierce, six of them had anal sex with Kim… at the same time.

When Kim’s evening ended, he returned to his luxury hotel where so many prostitutes were jammed into his suite that four of them suffocated. Upon learning of this, Donald Trump asked that they be sent to his room immediately. This is not surprising, as Trump is known to enjoy sex with his intellectual equals.

Waiting for his non-breathing dates to arrive, the President finished coloring in his “Cat in the Hat” coloring book.

Prior to their meeting in the hotel’s Darth Vader Room, aides of both men hung, in solidarity,  a five-foot, two–thousand-pound air freshener in the room in hopes of masking the stench.

When the two men entered the room they were asked what they would like to drink. Kim Jong-Un ordered a glass of blood and Trump asked for a diet blood.

Before sitting down, Kim whispered in Trump’s ear, “Your country will never be great until you get rid of all human rights.” Trump whispered back, “A few more months.”

the leftwinggazette.com