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Month: July 2018

AGGRESSIVE PEOPLE

AGGRESSIVE PEOPLE

We have it from an occasionally reliable source that Donald Trump recently met with seven of the nineteen voices living inside his head. He trusts those seven, but not the other twelve, who he heard laughing at him in Helsinki. He’s banished them to wander the vast wasteland between his ears.

The President bragged to his non-existent buds that he’s proud to be turning the party of Ronald Reagan back into the party of Joseph McCarthy.

So far, Trump has only given a glimpse of what he and Putin talked about to his  favorite nocturnal fantasy, Ivanka.  Evidently, the Russian President told Trump that he can stop pissing on women because, “I already have enough videos of that.” Ivanka told him, “Daddycakes, Uncle Vladimir is right. You should stop.” Her father responded, “Okay. From now on I’ll just piss on our Constitution.” Ivanka squealed, “Yay daddy.”

Trump continued on, telling her, “As soon as I finished giving Vladimir a foot massage, he brought up the subject of Montenegro and his desire to annex it. I said, Good with me, but I don’t understand what you want with a Caribbean country.”

It seems that Putin told his orange counterpart that the tiny country poses a serious threat to Russia.

It is clear that Montenegro does indeed pose such a threat because they’ve amassed their soldier on Russia’s border. And not only that, he has their gun.

Clearly this aggressive nation is the world’s most dangerous since Freedonia and its dictatorial ruler, Rufus T. Firefly aka Groucho Marx. When Trump was given this information, he said, “I hate Marx. I hate all commies.”

After Ivanka left, Trump summoned Sarah Sanders to the Oval Office. “Good to see you, Sarah.” She said, “Thank you sir,” but then she became nervous and asked, “You didn’t drink a lot of water today, did you?”

theleftwinggazette.com

 

HEARTBROKEN

HEARTBROKEN

What I post on this blog is always intended to be funny while ridiculing Donald Trump. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel.

I could write jokes by the time I was twelve-years-old. I ended up writing and producing sitcoms for over thirty years. TV burns up material and burns it up fast. To succeed in that field, you have to have the ability to be funny on demand. Comedy has always come easy for me.

I had a funny/silly post, all outlined, that I planned to write and post. But after Trump in Helsinki on Monday, this might be the first time in my life when I find myself unable to be funny.

Today, bright colors aren’t, and nothing feels or tastes good.

Trump doesn’t live in a swamp. It’s a cesspool.

At this moment, I really don’t know if I’m more enraged or heartbroken.

Ken Hecht

theleftwinggazette.com

 

THIEF

THIEF

It took a long time for President Trump to get rid of former EPA director Scott “Sticky Fingers” Pruitt, even though this curse from the Dark Ages is under fourteen separate federal indictments.

Trump can be forgiven for taking so long because he’s been distracted by his time-consuming and committed effort to pick a Supreme Court nominee who will make decisions based in fourteenth century law.

Proud of having accomplished that goal, the President relaxed by playing with his porn-star trading cards. When he finished arranging them by cup size, he focused his five-second attention span on Pruitt, who at that moment was backing a “super-polluting-diesel-truck” up to an asthma clinic.

Pruitt had to go since Trump’s demanding standards dictate that none of his swamp-dwelling appointees can be under more than twelve federal indictments at any one time.

Pruitt told the press that it was his decision to resign, which it was immediately after John Kelly told him to resign. The fired EPA Director wrote out his resignation on his personal stationary, whose logo is a seagull covered in oil.

It is believed that the final straw for Pruitt was the public confrontation with a woman and her child in a D.C. restaurant. He sat there contemptuously listening as the obviously insane woman demanded clean air for her child. This infuriated the EPA Director, but not nearly as much as his lunch of a small, roasted child with braces going cold did.

The fired Pruitt  said that he’ll now have more time to spend with his family. He is happily married with two children that he stole from gypsies.

Pruitt, a right-wing religious fanatic, hit it off with Trump at his initial interview when he convinced the President that they shared the same vision of destroying everything good and decent thing that has been accomplished, with blood, in America over the past seventy years.

While the two will probably never speak again, there’s little doubt that they will be united in hell.

theleftwinggazette.com