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Month: September 2018

SUPREME PREP

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SUPREME PREP

Donald Trump insisted on being in charge of Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh’s senatorial prep session. To be a thorough as possible, he called in all the reptiles in his administration that were not currently molting.

To begin, our recently laughed-at-by-the United Nations President, sought to assure Judge Kavanaugh of his commitment to him by saying, “Judge, you have my full support because I believe your story and I want you to know that I think you are almost as good a person as Paul Manafort.”

Kavanaugh: Really, sir? I’m honored.

Chuck Grassley: And I want you to know that I don’t believe you ever attacked a woman.

Kavanaugh: Thank you. Your word really matters to me, Senator.

Grassley: My word matters to everyone even though I’m an ineffectual and slow-witted white man.

Don Jr.: I don’t even believe that sexual molestation even exists in America.

John Kelly: Speaking of slow-witted.

Sarah Sanders: I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with it, but attacks on women do occur. Back in Arkansas, a man once attacked me, but I never reported it because I realized he was a blind farmer who thought he was milking a cow.

Pence: I can see that.

Sarah: My father told me I was a wonderful Republican for not reporting it and for remembering that as a woman, I don’t count… Can I get anyone coffee?

Trump: Thanks, but we already sent Kellyanne Conway to Starbucks.

Rudy Giuliani: Judge Kavanaugh, you’re aware that you will be questioned by an outside woman lawyer?

Trump: Why a woman?

Pence: Because otherwise it would be eleven sexist Republicans questioning her, and it’s vital we don’t let America see how much contempt we have for women’s rights.

Trump: Good move… Judge Kavanaugh, when you’re confirmed, you’ll be invited to all of our clandestine male chauvinist pigs meetings where you’ll be given Greta, our anatomically correct blow-up-doll that has tape over her mouth.

The men all applauded.

Sarah: Would anyone like a foot massage?

theleftwinggazette.com

 

REPUBLICAN CARING

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REPUBLICAN CARING

Earlier this week, Donald Trump and Mike Pence, discussed how best to respond to the tragedy in the Carolinas. The President said that if he wasn’t a sociopath, he’d feel badly for the victims because he knows just how wet water can sometimes be.

Pence suggested that it would help Trump’s poll numbers if he made a large donation to help the victims. Trump replied that since his illegal charity had been ordered closed by the state of New York, he feared he may actually have to use his own money. Even though the thought sent a chill down his spine, he promised Pence that he’d sleep on the idea and on his blow-up doll, Vladimita.

The following morning he called several of his criminal flunkies and Pence in as he was finishing his favorite breakfast cereal, Hitler Puffs. He almost choked on the words, but eventually told everyone that he would donate one million dollars to the states.

Trump sat behind his desk and asked, “Where are my Bank of America checks?”

John Kelly: That account’s closed, Sir. Don’t you remember, no bank in America will do business with you?

Stephen Miller presented Trump with his checkbook from the First National Bank of Moscow.

A pen was shoved into Trump’s hand. It palsied briefly and then the leader of the free world began to snivel.

Sarah Sanders: Sir, we know how hard this is. We’re all Republicans so none of us gives a rat’s ass about anyone else, but this is politics and sometimes we have to pretend to care.

Kellyanne Conway: Mr. Trump, all the Republicans in D.C. have opened their hearts and given generously. We’ve collected almost forty dollars.

Trump said, “Okay” and grudgingly signed the check, only misspelling his name twice. He tried to hand it to John Kelly, but it fell to the floor and bounced like a SuperBall. As everyone tried to grab it, Trump slithered out of the room on his belly.

theleftwinggazette.com

 

 

 

 

 

TRUMP’S CONFIDANT

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TRUMP’S CONFIDANT

The only people Donald Trump feels comfortable opening up to outside of his family is Sarah Sanders and the many people living in his head, which now include The Village People. He recently summoned Sanders.

Sarah entered the Oval Office to find Trump down on one knee.

Sanders: Mr. President, why are you kneeling?

Trump: I’m protesting the New York Times article. If the Colored and Negro football players can do it, so can I… I just hope the Black and African American players don’t start doing it, too.

Sarah: Sir, if you would stop tweeting about it, the whole thing might die down.

Trump: No f**king way I drop it. I still want to bring in the lie detectors.

Sarah: You can’t. If either one of us got within a hundred feet of a lie detector, it would explode.

Trump: Crap.

Sarah: Sir, I need to know how you want me to lie about the North Korean problem.

Trump: That little midget Pr*ck over there really screwed me. I knew it was a mistake to trust Chiang Chi-shek.

Sarah: Mr. President, Chiang was the leader of Taiwan and he’s been dead for over forty years.

Trump: God, I hate this job. I keep hearing a word I’d never heard before I became President.

Sarah: I know it’s very unpleasant hearing “jerk,” “assh**e,” “schmuck,” “crook,” “putz,” “douche bag,” “criminal,” “bottom feeder,”–

Trump: Put a cork in it, Sarah. I mean the word “no.” A rich person should never have to listen to such filth… And this McCain thing… (Mocking) Broken arms, broken legs, torture… What about me? I needed five deferments just so I could play sports in college… Those kids in the locker room were mean to me. They called me a “loser” and kept saying I was “poor.” “Poor?”… I got upset stomachs and rashes between my thighs, and I’m getting  rashes again because my thighs are rubbing together.

Sarah: Oh, sir, you sound wonderfully fleshy.

Trump: Thank you… Sarah? Sarah?… What the hell are you doing? Sarah, no, don’t take your clothes off… Security! Security!

theleftwinggazette.com