Navigation

Month: October 2018

TEMPER

TEMPER

The venom that powers Donald Trump’s White House finally leaked out into the public with Johns Kelly and Bolton engaging  in an abusive shouting match in front of people this week.  It got ugly when Kelly told Bolton, “Pick two fingers” and then poked Bolton in the eyes after he did.

There’s an old saying, “The fish rots from the head down,” so their behavior is understandable considering the big blowfish in the Oval Office. Trump has himself engaged in many boisterous arguments with his advisors, his pollsters and several trees. Furious that the trees always win the arguments, the ones with origins in Hispanic countries have been deported, and their young cuttings have been sent to detention camps in Texas.

Kelly, who taught anger management at Trump University, obviously has his own issues in this area. He once grabbed former Trump campaign manager Corey Lewandowski by the collar. Before the two could engage in a “slime-off,” the Secret Service separated them.

Anger is prevalent in this White House, not the least of which comes from Sarah Sanders, who is livid that no one warned her that telling constant lies puts on weight.

Trump called a meeting to discuss this and several other current problems. He was annoyed when Stephen Miller arrived late, but forgave his favorite advisor upon learning that he had just come from the annual Joseph Goebbels Bake Sale.

Self-hating Jew Jared Kushner, asked self-hating Jew Stephen Miller, “Did you bring me a Bobka?”  Miller gave a thumbs up.

Trump cautioned all present about fighting openly. “Remember,” he said, “the whole point of my Presidency is to set ordinary Americans at each other’s throats so they won’t realize they live under a dictatorship until it’s too late… Now, where are your suggestions on how I can further divide the country?”

The entire room began trampling each other trying to get their written in crayon suggestions to the President.

Trump thought to himself, “Ah, these are my people.”

theleftwinggazette.com

 

 

TRUMP’S EMPATHY

TRUMP’S EMPATHY

When Donald Trump arrived Monday in storm ravaged northwest Florida, a part of the Sunshine State that’s politically redder than a baboon’s ass, over one thousand traumatized people, most of them his supporters, had turned out. Many were each other’s cousins and twenty-five percent were their own stepdaughters.

Trump, having been advised to try and fake as much empathy as possible, looked up the word. He repeated it to himself dozens of times and knew he could pull it off as he launched into his speech.

“HELLO FLORIDA!… My heart breaks for everyone here. I understand your fears and want to assure all of you that despite this nightmare, I’m still very rich.”

They cheered.

Trump mopped his brow. “How do you people live in this humidity? Friends, if you’re smart, after I leave, you’ll return directly to the air-conditioned comfort of your homes.”

An advisor called to him:

Trump: What? They don’t have homes? Why?… Oh, Hurricane Michele… What? Hurricane Michael? Got it.”… I want you all to know that I’ve spoken to House Speaker Ryan and he promises me that our Republican congress will commit almost five-hundred dollars to your recovery.”

They applauded.

Trump: The Speaker asked me to say “doody” to all of you… What? Right… Everyone, he wanted me to say “howdy,” so, Howdy Doody… Look folks, thanks to Hurricane Mitzi, you people are in for a very long and difficult time. The older among you won’t live to see this area restored. And when I say “older,” I mean everyone over thirty-five. Regardless of age, all of you will be eaten alive by mosquitoes, some carrying diseases that were long thought to have been eradicated, but are now staging a nice comeback. Your water won’t be clean for years, so dysentery will be rampant here. But, not to worry, I’m making a personal donation to help all of you.

He called to Melania, “Sweetheart, would you get the toilet paper off the plane?”

Someone called out, “What’s toilet paper?”

Trump ignored Governor Scott and said, “I’d like to stay longer but I have to get to Mar-a-Lago to play golf.” He turned and waddled back to Air-Force-One.”

theleftwinggazette.com

 

HOPE HICKS

HOPE HICKS

Hope Hicks, who Donald Trump gave the made-up job of “White House Director of Strategic Communications,” eventually left her fake job under a cloud.

After leaving, she knew she wanted to continue working in the same field. Seeking advice on this, she sought out Donald Trump because the plant in her office was dead.

When they met in the Oval Office, Hicks told Trump she really wanted to go into P.R. Trump asked, “What the hell do you want with Puerto Rico? I really f**ked them over. The place is a mess.”

She congratulated Trump on his achievement and then asked him if he would call Fox News in her behalf. He agreed and then told her that she had to be a real bigot and racist to work there. She reassured him that she was, saying, “I’m so bigoted that I even hate tan people.”

When Trump’s lunch arrived, not wanting to have Big Mac chunks spit on her, and fearing that her fingers might get too close to Trump’s mouth, she left immediately.

We caught up with Hicks just after the news broke that she’d been hired by Fox. She told us that her grandfather worked P.R. for Texaco, and her father worked for a major tobacco company. She feels blessed that her ability to disregard the environment and people’s health has come so easily to her.

We asked her about resigning from the White House exactly one day after her boyfriend, Rob Porter, left when it came to light that he’d physically abused his two ex-wives.

Hicks told us that she’d known about that in advance. We asked her what she saw in him and she replied, “I like consistency in my men, and what woman doesn’t love purple bruises on her face and arms?”

We wondered if Porter ever hit her. She looked wistful when she told us, “No. Our relationship was only about a week away from that. I feel cheated.”

We wanted to know if she had any self-respect.

She said proudly, “Of course not, I’m a Republican woman.”

theleftwinggazette.com