Navigation

Month: December 2018

TWAS THE SEASON

XMAS EVE UPDATE

TWAS THE SEASON

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,

Donald Trump he was stirring because he’s a big louse,

The stockings were hung with greatest of care,

Filled with the scalps of his hires and that only seemed fair,

His children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of swindles danced in their heads,

I in my crown had just settled in bed,

When out on the lawn arose such a clatter,

I sprung from my bed and fell on my ass,

A tsunami it caused in peaceful Jakarta,

And to make things much worse, I made a big farta,

Away to the window I waddled so slow,

When what to my wandering eyes did appear,

A bright red sleigh with eight big reindeer,

And a bearded old Santa so live and so quick,

I took away his insurance because I am a pri*k,

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,

And he whistled and shouted and called them by name,

Now! Dasher, Now! Prancer, Now! Comet and Blitzen, Bob Muller’s so close you should be a-schvitzen,

He gave me a lump of clean coal and said it was mine,

Then he told me to stick it where sun it don’t shine,

When he gathered his reindeer and mounted his sleigh,

He called out to me as he flipped me the bird,

“Merry shutdown to you, you big ugly turd.

theleftwinggazette.com

 

PANICKED

PRESIDENTIAL PANIC

Donald Trump, spreading darkness as only he can, has fostered a mood in the White House, which has been described as, “not quite as cheerful as the one on the Titanic.” With the Special Counsel closing in on him, Trump is now greatly exceeding his average of six tantrums a day.

His advisors wanted him to wear a helmet to protect his head when he loses control.  Trump rejected the idea at first, but acquiesced when he was told he could put  KKK stickers on it. Recent tantrums have seen him use his head to crash into walls, desks, trays of food and the hardest and most dangerous thing in the White House, Sarah Sanders. Trump was willing to try it, but nobody could find a helmet big enough to fit his head. The Oval Office is being padded.

So despondent is Trump that he often walks down to Stephen Miller’s office, which can easily be found by following the stench or the dead skin in the hall during molting season.

Trump, when he walks into the office, is often moved to tears by Miller’s Nazi memorabilia on the walls. He then calls, “Stephen” and Miller comes out of the closet. When Trump is done complaining about how misunderstood he is he walks out and Miller goes back into the closet.

The President’s terror has him eating more than ever.  He’s gained so much weight that in his most recent fit of rage, he put his head down and ran into his own ass.

In order to be fair to the President, we feel he does deserve congratulations for making it into the Guinness Book of World Records. They have noted that in the history of mankind, nobody has ever been innocent of more things than Mr. Trump is. Asked to comment on this, he said, “I plan to be innocent of many more things before I leave the White House in 2028.”

theleftwinggazette.com

 

 

 

 

 

STAFF INFECTION

STAFF INFECTION

John Kelly is the latest victim of America’s walking, talking Ebola virus known as Donald Trump. The President has announced that he won’t be throwing his soon-to-be former Chief of Staff under the bus. This is not an act of decency on Trump’s part, it’s just that there’s just no room left under the bus.

Trump’s first choice for the job, Vice President Pence’s Chief of Staff Nick Ayres, turned Trump down. Trump had no second choice since he’s too lazy to think ahead about anything other than lunch.

Ayres turned the job down. The two main reasons for that being: He’s not currently suicidal, and what the brightest of his six-year-old triplets said to him, which was, “Dad, please don’t go to work for that p**ck… I really like that corpse you work for now.”

President Nero Trump is now considering others who’d be willing to step into the eighth ring of hell. Sarah Sanders wanted the job, but it was decided that the Oval Office wasn’t big enough to hold that many lies at one time.

One of the many people living in Trump’s head also applied, but was ruled out because he’d drawn a mustache on Trump from the inside.

Our fearless leader was advised to come up with a short list of candidates. Once again showing off his superior intellect, Trump responded, “But what if I want to hire someone over six feet tall?”

Trump, who’s not speaking to John Kelly, passed him a note asking if he had any suggestions for his own replacement. In that organizing things for the President is one of the main duties of a Chief of Staff, Kelly suggested a “monkey trainer.” The Commander in Chief thought seriously about this for a while, but decided he wanted to be the only one throwing feces around the Oval Office.

theleftwinggazette.com