Month: January 2019



Cornered like a rat, Donald Trump needed to vent, so he speed-dialed his BFF, Satan. The devil actually despises him, but treats him well because Trump’s one of his best producers.

When Trump called, he was put on hold for fifteen minutes by Satan’s secretary, Strom Thurmond.

The Devil finally got on the line:

Trump: I need to talk, sir. I’m really worried.

Devil: “Worried?” Don’t be. I’ve got your back.

Trump: I appreciate-

Devil: But I can’t cover your ass. Do you have tarp?

Trump: Don’t kibitz, sir. I’m very concerned. My poll numbers are tanking. Maybe I’m selling out my country too fast.

Devil: Just relax. You’re doing a splendid job. Shutting down your government to crush those federal workers and everyone they do business with, great. And I figure about a year before you destroy the healthy economy Obama left you.

Trump: I’m counting the days.

Devil: And don’t think that separating Hispanic children from their parents at the border and f**ki*g the Kurds has gone unnoticed down here.

Trump: Well, Vladimir has some great ideas… You know, he’s very popular in Russia. Maybe I should take my shirt off and sit on a horse.

Devil: Please don’t… Look, just think of your future here in Hell. When you arrive you’ll have the best accommodations and cable, but you’ll have to carry your own bags.

Trump: Pence will do that.

Devil: He won’t. Vice President Wonder Bread will be going to a newly- opened rung where he’ll wait tables in a gay bar.

Trump: You are real pisser, S-Man.

Devil: You haven’t heard the best part — his wife’s the bartender.

Trump: I love it… But can we talk about my numbers? I’m thinking of taking a new approach and showing some compassion.


Trump: Satan… Satan?… Shit.



After achieving a new low in Presidential insincerity with his border-wall address to the nation, Donald Trump sat alone in the Oval Office. He knew that no-one other than his core supporters bought his fictions.

It should be noted that thanks to the prosperity Trump has brought to those supporters, most expect to have their Studebakers paid off in a couple of years.

Trump had hoped to bounce some new bulls**t off of his co-Presidents, Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter, but the two lovebirds were unreachable in the Bahamas.

“TMZ” recently reported that Coulter fell in love with Rush when he told her, “You’re every bit as attractive as Norman Bates’s mother.”

Knowing that Trump had laid another egg, some Republicans met secretly to try and figure out how to end the shutdown. The meeting’s attendees planned to let the most respected Republican in the room chair the session, but then realized there aren’t any respected Republicans and went for their least respected member.

Mike Pence called the meeting to order. He looked under a desk and said, “Mitch, it’s safe to come out now. Nobody is going to actually ask you to do your job.”

McConnell felt relieved, but was terrified of the Hispanic waiters in the room serving coffee. After Kellyanne Conway frisked them, he was finally coaxed to slither out from under the desk. McConnell tried to stand, but ended up face down on the floor after stepping on several of his chins.

A panicked Sarah Sanders rose and told the room, “Look, we’ve got to do something because I’m running out of shutdown lies.”

The room gasped. The thought of her running out of lies was even more terrifying to them than helping poor people.

McConnell asked if anyone had any idea how to get the big orange baboon to change his mind. Minutes of silence ensued until one of the waiters asked, “Don’t any of you gringos have Putin’s number?”

The room erupted with applause.

Later that day the waiter was deported.