Month: February 2019



This past Friday, Donald Trump received his second annual physical. It was performed by Dr. Sean Conley who met the President in the military’s Bethesda Naval Hospital’s William Howard Taft examination room.

Conley’s nurse, Stella Baker, was chosen because she’s the leader of the “Society for Baboons in Politics” movement, and said she’d be glad to help Trump pick ticks off himself.

Conley sent Trump for an MRI. The results of which revealed everything to be in fairly good order except for his heart which the machine couldn’t locate.

The Presidential brain was scanned and showed that the inside of Trump’s skull looked like nuclear winter, only less lush.

Back in the examining room, the doctor told Trump to “bend over and cough.” The President bent over. “Now cough,” said Conley. Trump stood back up and coughed.

Conley: Sir, bend over and cough… at the same time.

Trump: Sorry. I can’t multi-task.

Conley: Hmm… Okay, I need to check your prostate. Drop your pants and bend over.

When Trump did, Nurse Baker exclaimed, “Wow that’s the biggest baboon tush I’ve ever seen.”

Trump: Thanks.

When Conley reached up in there, he thought for a moment that he was in Wyoming. Next, the doctor grabbed a pen-light, shined it up there and exclaimed, ” Oh my God.”

Trump: What is it? What do you see?

Conley: Your tax returns.

Trump rose back up.

Trump: Listen, pal, what happens in my ass stays in my ass…  Now, how’s my prostate?”

Conley: Quite interesting actually. I’ve never seen a swastika on one before.

Trump: It was a gift from Kellyanne Conway.

Conley: Of course… Did you bring a stool sample like requested?

Trump called out to the Secret Service. Four agents entered, each carrying two filled, gallon paint cans.

Conley: We didn’t need that much, sir.

Trump: That’s okay, I produce that much every twenty minutes, and it’s only about a tenth of what I dump on America every day.





It should be noted that the person most deserving of a shout-out from America is Marvin Mack, America’s leading elephant reamer, who, used his own shovel and cleaned up the mess behind the podium after Trump’s State of the Union speech.

Basking in the glow of the speech, Donald Trump went back to the Oval Office where his many sycophants were lining up to kiss his ass.

Trump went to the middle of the room, dropped trow and bent over, his ass facing the door. People were able to kiss it while remaining in the hallway.

Mike Pence, the corpse sitting behind the President at the State of the Union, was first in line. Kellyanne Conway, Stephen Miller and many others devoid of morals, followed Pence.

This proved to be very profitable for Melania Trump, who had set up a Lavoris stand at the end of the hallway. Lavoris is her mouthwash of choice for when her husband kisses her. That mainly happens when she’s asleep and unable to defend herself.

After the unsavory ritual was completed, Trump huddled with his advisors and bragged about his most memorable line of the night. That being: “If there’s going to be peace and legislation, there cannot be war and investigation.”

He told one of his aides to make that into a sign and hang it above the doorway. The aide reminded Trump that he would be replacing the current sign, “Abandon hope all ye who enter here.” Trump responded, “Put that one over the entrance to my bedroom, and if Sarah Sanders has chained herself to my bed again, throw her out.”

Trump’s mood soured as he brought up the many investigations he and his family are facing. For the first time ever, he admitted that, “My family and I could be in real trouble.” He thought for a few seconds and then said, “Get me a list of my family members so I can decide which ones go under the bus first.”