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Month: February 2019

SCUZZBALL SUMMIT

SCUZZBALL SUMMIT

It appears that the world’s two most mentally unstable leaders will soon sit down with each other in Viet Nam. Trump has been looking forward to this second meeting, as he truly enjoys being made a fool of by foreign dictators and thereby embarrassing the United States.

Thankfully, we need not worry that Trump will be alone in the room with Kim Jong Un, as he’ll be accompanied by the seventeen people living in his head. Several of them are criminals out on parole and five  are a Platters cover band.

A secret phone call took place between the two to discuss their upcoming historic fiasco redux.

Kim immediately told Trump that he, like Trump, was into porno and Porno stars. Claiming he had specific tastes, Kim asked if he could meet Sarah Sanders.

Trump replied, “Forget it, her time’s taken up telling lies for me.  And besides, she’s married and has children.”

Un responded, “Tell her I have two inches and see if she can resist me then.”

The President wanted to get Kim off this topic, so he complimented him on being the brutal dictator he is and added that he hopes to also be a brutal dictator someday. The Left Wing Gazette agrees that Trump is not yet a dictator, just a dick.

Kim then complimented Trump’s complete lack of morals, but boasted, “Mine are lower than yours.” Trump replied, “Are not.” “Are so.” “Are not.” And so it went for about twenty minutes.

Trump didn’t know it, but as soon as he went wheels up on Monday, the construction of a wall to keep him from returning to America began.

The two men, who admire each other’s haircuts, met last night at a lavish dinner where they toasted each other with champagne flutes filled with blood.

Their official meetings are scheduled to start on Thursday.

On a personal note, I have great hopes for this summit. Trump and Kim in the same room… what could possibly go wrong?

theleftwinggazette.com

 

TRUMP’S MENTOR

TRUMP’S MENTOR

Clearly, Donald Trump was born evil, but he did have help turning it into the wickedness he now practices daily. Roy Cohn was young Trump’s guru. Cohn, an unprincipled lawyer, served as alcoholic Republican Senator Joseph McCarthy’s Chief Consul during the 1950’s witch hunt to destroy as many innocent people’s lives as possible.

A man with the emotions of a gargoyle and the ethics of a bat, Cohn mentored Trump, teaching him   the joy of cruelty, and that hate means you never have to say you’re sorry. One of the few moments of bliss in Cohn’s sad life was being J. Edgar Hoover’s ballroom dance partner.

Cohn was eventually disbarred for unethical behavior. This changed the man into a warm-hearted individual who did the world a great kindness by dying five weeks after his disbarment. Cohn’s memorial service was held in church and Trump was invited by their “Bring a Baboon to Jesus” program.

One of the things Trump loved most about Cohn was his finely honed creepiness and the constant sneer that lived on his lips. Trump’s many fond memories of the lawyer’s qualities are the reason he took so quickly to Stephen Miller.

Miller often meets with Trump so they can shoot the breeze and discuss how best to take the American people’s rights away from them.

Recently, Miller, on auto-sneer, entered the Oval Office and said, “I spoke to Nancy Pelosi.”

Trump: Is she going to give me my balls back?

Miller: Only if you resign.

Trump: No way. She can keep them. I’m going to send away for new ones from Dick’s Sporting Goods.

Miller: “Dick’s Sporting Goods?”

Trump: Right. They must carry Spalding replacement balls.

Trump became pensive for a second and then said, “That Pelosi bitch isn’t going away is she?”

Miller: Nope.

Trump:  I’d better order an extra pair.

theleftwinggazette.com

 

TRUMP’S PHYSICAL

TRUMPS PHYSICAL

This past Friday, Donald Trump received his second annual physical. It was performed by Dr. Sean Conley who met the President in the military’s Bethesda Naval Hospital’s William Howard Taft examination room.

Conley’s nurse, Stella Baker, was chosen because she’s the leader of the “Society for Baboons in Politics” movement, and said she’d be glad to help Trump pick ticks off himself.

Conley sent Trump for an MRI. The results of which revealed everything to be in fairly good order except for his heart which the machine couldn’t locate.

The Presidential brain was scanned and showed that the inside of Trump’s skull looked like nuclear winter, only less lush.

Back in the examining room, the doctor told Trump to “bend over and cough.” The President bent over. “Now cough,” said Conley. Trump stood back up and coughed.

Conley: Sir, bend over and cough… at the same time.

Trump: Sorry. I can’t multi-task.

Conley: Hmm… Okay, I need to check your prostate. Drop your pants and bend over.

When Trump did, Nurse Baker exclaimed, “Wow that’s the biggest baboon tush I’ve ever seen.”

Trump: Thanks.

When Conley reached up in there, he thought for a moment that he was in Wyoming. Next, the doctor grabbed a pen-light, shined it up there and exclaimed, ” Oh my God.”

Trump: What is it? What do you see?

Conley: Your tax returns.

Trump rose back up.

Trump: Listen, pal, what happens in my ass stays in my ass…  Now, how’s my prostate?”

Conley: Quite interesting actually. I’ve never seen a swastika on one before.

Trump: It was a gift from Kellyanne Conway.

Conley: Of course… Did you bring a stool sample like requested?

Trump called out to the Secret Service. Four agents entered, each carrying two filled, gallon paint cans.

Conley: We didn’t need that much, sir.

Trump: That’s okay, I produce that much every twenty minutes, and it’s only about a tenth of what I dump on America every day.

theleftwinggazette.com