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Month: March 2019

FRIEND WITH A TAIL

FRIEND WITH A TAIL

Donald Trump, who desperately needs approval from all people and most plant life, sat at his desk hoping that Satan would call and congratulate him for avoiding the indictments he so richly deserved.

Trump, who has less patience than a monkey, couldn’t wait any longer and picked up his phone, calling the first number on his speed dial, Satan. His second through fourth numbers are, in order, Grub Hub, Door Dash and Carbs in a Flash.

When Trump called, he was put on hold by Satan’s temp secretary. Satan uses temps while he awaits the arrival of Steve King.

Trump was on hold for fifteen minutes because the Devil hates him, but tolerates him for being his best producer. When the Prince of Darkness got on the line, Trump asked him if he’d seen Bill Barr’s summary of the Mueller report.

Satan: Yeah, and I’m still laughing my ass off. You’d better not release the whole report. You don’t need even more people knowing what a scumbag you are. And what’s this crap I saw on Fox about you making Republicans the party of health care?

Trump: Ignore it. It’s just for my base who believes all the bullshit that comes out of my mouth. When I’m done, nobody in America will have health care. You don’t have it in Hell, do you?

Satan: Everyone’s dead down here, you imbecile.

Trump Oh, right. Hey, how do you like Betsy DeVoss defunding the Special Olympics?

Satan: What about the public?

Trump: They’ll back me on this one. They don’t like braggarts. Last year I watched the awards ceremony and those kids who won all got swelled heads.

Satan: Those are Down Syndrome kids. What’s your excuse?

Trump: “Down syndrome.” Must be a football thing. Hey, let me try my 2020 campaign slogan out on you.

Satan: Shoot.

Trump: Vote Trump: Toxic and Breaking the Human Spirit Since 2016.

Satan: Works for me.

theleftwinggazette.com

 

 

WOMEN’S ISSUES

WOMEN’S ISSUES

Donald Trump was heard screaming during last Sunday’s psychotic Tweet-fest. His fury cooled on Monday when he learned that he had again won “Satan’s Employee of the Month” award.

Trump, wanting to extend his reign of terror for an additional four years and knowing that he’s down in the polls with women except for those who molt, called a policy meeting dedicated to conning female voters into believing that the Republican Party gives a rat’s ass about them.

He thought it might be a good idea to include a woman, especially one with laryngitis,  in the group. When Stephen Miller caught wind of this he stopped playing with his Klaus and Barbie dolls and raced to the Oval Office. He implored Trump, “No women” and reminded his boss that Hitler never took advice from a woman.

Trump went with his globe-sized gut and decided to invite Tennessee Congresswoman Marcia Blackburn. He admires her for her indifference to the poor and disenfranchised as well as her unrelenting dedication to bringing back slavery.

Politicians and others who are known to care about women’s rights, like Mitch McConnell, Mike Pence, the late Strom Thurmond and Sean Hannity were invited.

Trump opened by bringing up the issue of equal pay for equal work.

Hannity flew into a rage and shouted, “Women never do equal work because they spend half the day menstruating. And if they’re not menstruating, then they’re ovulating.”

Marcia Blackburn: Neither of those affects your work, Sean. I know because I menstruate.

McConnell: “On purpose?”

Blackburn: No, but my point is that we can find better ways to keep the weaker sex down.

Pence, turning red, shouted, “Blasphemy.  A woman should never say “s-e-x.”

Trump: Shut it you dork… Now what other women’s issues are there to talk about?

Stephen Miller: There aren’t any.

Trump: Okay everybody, good meeting.

theleftwinggazette.com

BIBLE BOY

BIBLE BOY

Donald Trump has only ever seen the inside of a church while watching the movie “The Last Temptation of Christ.” He went to see it because he wanted to know if Christ’s last temptation was the Double-Quarter-Pounder or the Fish-Filet Sandwich.

After tornadoes tragically caused multiple deaths in Alabama last week, Trump felt he should visit some of the ravaged areas. The trip planning was problematic because in Alabama, it’s hard to tell which are the ravaged areas and which aren’t.

Before Trump flew off to the Bible Belt, Mike Pence gave him some pointers on how to appear religious. He told Trump that if was asked to pray, he should bow his head, interlock his fingers and make a steeple. Trump attempted this, but Pence had to tell him, “Sir, you have to put both middle fingers up.”

Trump wondered aloud if he should take a cross on Air Force One, “so I can show my followers how much I’m like that Jesse Christ guy.” Pence advised against it and Trump replied, “Just as well. I don’t need splinters in my ass what with all those Democrats crawling around in there.”

Trump boasted to Pence that he’d prepared for this trip having bought “Whores in the Bible for Dummies.” Pence reacted by saying nothing and bending over as usual. Trump reached for his umbrella.

Upon arrival in Alabama, Trump was met with rapt attention as he read a Bible verse, Proverbs 18:10, that he had tweaked a bit.

“The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous man runs into it and is safe… and then puts in gold toilets.” I’ll leave you to figure out the tweaking part.

Trump signed bibles for his disciples and then called out, asking if anyone knew “The Whore of Babylon.” Someone in the crowd shouted back in shock, “But Mr. President, she is the creator of abominations and the mother of all prostitutes.”

Trump replied, “I know. I just wanted to thank her.”

the leftwinggazette.com