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Month: March 2019

WOMEN’S ISSUES

WOMEN’S ISSUES

Donald Trump was heard screaming during last Sunday’s psychotic Tweet-fest. His fury cooled on Monday when he learned that he had again won “Satan’s Employee of the Month” award.

Trump, wanting to extend his reign of terror for an additional four years and knowing that he’s down in the polls with women except for those who molt, called a policy meeting dedicated to conning female voters into believing that the Republican Party gives a rat’s ass about them.

He thought it might be a good idea to include a woman, especially one with laryngitis,  in the group. When Stephen Miller caught wind of this he stopped playing with his Klaus and Barbie dolls and raced to the Oval Office. He implored Trump, “No women” and reminded his boss that Hitler never took advice from a woman.

Trump went with his globe-sized gut and decided to invite Tennessee Congresswoman Marcia Blackburn. He admires her for her indifference to the poor and disenfranchised as well as her unrelenting dedication to bringing back slavery.

Politicians and others who are known to care about women’s rights, like Mitch McConnell, Mike Pence, the late Strom Thurmond and Sean Hannity were invited.

Trump opened by bringing up the issue of equal pay for equal work.

Hannity flew into a rage and shouted, “Women never do equal work because they spend half the day menstruating. And if they’re not menstruating, then they’re ovulating.”

Marcia Blackburn: Neither of those affects your work, Sean. I know because I menstruate.

McConnell: “On purpose?”

Blackburn: No, but my point is that we can find better ways to keep the weaker sex down.

Pence, turning red, shouted, “Blasphemy.  A woman should never say “s-e-x.”

Trump: Shut it you dork… Now what other women’s issues are there to talk about?

Stephen Miller: There aren’t any.

Trump: Okay everybody, good meeting.

theleftwinggazette.com

BIBLE BOY

BIBLE BOY

Donald Trump has only ever seen the inside of a church while watching the movie “The Last Temptation of Christ.” He went to see it because he wanted to know if Christ’s last temptation was the Double-Quarter-Pounder or the Fish-Filet Sandwich.

After tornadoes tragically caused multiple deaths in Alabama last week, Trump felt he should visit some of the ravaged areas. The trip planning was problematic because in Alabama, it’s hard to tell which are the ravaged areas and which aren’t.

Before Trump flew off to the Bible Belt, Mike Pence gave him some pointers on how to appear religious. He told Trump that if was asked to pray, he should bow his head, interlock his fingers and make a steeple. Trump attempted this, but Pence had to tell him, “Sir, you have to put both middle fingers up.”

Trump wondered aloud if he should take a cross on Air Force One, “so I can show my followers how much I’m like that Jesse Christ guy.” Pence advised against it and Trump replied, “Just as well. I don’t need splinters in my ass what with all those Democrats crawling around in there.”

Trump boasted to Pence that he’d prepared for this trip having bought “Whores in the Bible for Dummies.” Pence reacted by saying nothing and bending over as usual. Trump reached for his umbrella.

Upon arrival in Alabama, Trump was met with rapt attention as he read a Bible verse, Proverbs 18:10, that he had tweaked a bit.

“The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous man runs into it and is safe… and then puts in gold toilets.” I’ll leave you to figure out the tweaking part.

Trump signed bibles for his disciples and then called out, asking if anyone knew “The Whore of Babylon.” Someone in the crowd shouted back in shock, “But Mr. President, she is the creator of abominations and the mother of all prostitutes.”

Trump replied, “I know. I just wanted to thank her.”

the leftwinggazette.com

 

LOYALTY

LOYALTY

At last weekend’s CPAC bund meeting, an unhinged Donald Trump let loose with a rant the likes of which would make Randle McMurphy jealous. Trump, who has always shown that he has less control than a hundred-forty year old bladder, is now under siege by Robert Mueller, the U.S. Congress and most people who speak in complete sentences.

He’s become so paranoid that he ordered his sycophants into a meeting to see if he could still trust them. Among the gathered were Kellyanne Conway, Stephen Miller, Sarah Sanders and Mike Pence. Mitch McConnell couldn’t make it but he sent one of his chins.

Trump demanded everyone remove their clothes to prove that none of them was wearing a wire. Stephan Miller immediately began begging to be allowed to keep his underwear on, but Trump refused and Miller had to remove them. The Vice President immediately pointed, exclaiming, “Sweet Jesus, Miller’s been circumcised.” Miller, who quickly covered himself with a Tic-Tac, shot back, “I’m not circumcised. I was in a blender accident.”

Trump said, “I lost my cat that way.” He then went to note silently that Sarah Sanders’ body was covered in Post-It notes with the day’s lies scribbled on them. So fond of her is he that he said nothing about the license plate on her rear end or its slogan, “Land of Enchantment.”

Trump looked at everyone and then remarked, “My dick’s bigger than any of yours. And that includes you, Kellyanne.”

He went on to offer to disrobe like everyone else. Heard from many in the room were shouts of, “You don’t have to.” “For God’s sake, please don’t and “I just had lunch.”

Trump griped, “What the hell’s wrong with you people? Kim Jong Un didn’t mind.” The President thought for a second and mused, “I guess it’s a dictator thing.”

Hearing the word “dictator,” a sexually aroused Stephen Miller stood, raised an arm and shouted, “Zeig Heil.” He’d dropped the Tic-Tac, leaving himself exposed. As he reached for the mint, Sarah Sanders shouted, “Leave it, I want to take a selfie.”

theleftwinggazette.com