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Month: April 2019

IT’S MILLER TIME

IT’S MILLER TIME

Trump sycophant Stephen Miller, who hopes one day to lead his own Panzer division, has been tasked by his boss to quickly solve America’s immigration problem. Miller, a brilliant and even crueler strategist, knew exactly who to call.

Getting Lori Loughlin on the phone, he proceeded to charm her by telling her how much he’d always enjoyed her as the housekeeper on “Diff’rent Strokes.”

He then asked her to answer her country’s call and help solve our immigration issues by getting as many illegal aliens into USC as possible.

Loughlin liked the idea, but before committing, she wanted assurances that that being a wealthy, uncaring, marginally talented actress and felon was no longer a crime in Donald Trump’s America. Miller reassured her by saying, “Of course it’s not. Just look at our Cabinet.”

Loughlin thought it over and felt confident that a judge would recognize her patriotism for helping the Trump administration and only sentence her to picking up trash on the White House lawn, which consists mainly of Big Mac wrappers and the shattered dreams of decent Americans.

The “Full House” star accepted Miller’s offer and immediately pulled together a plan where, using Photoshop, she could show the administrators at USC that Hispanics at the border would be a great addition to the school’s bull fighting team.

Having solved the nation’s immigration problem, Miller felt that he was entitled to go out and have some fun. He drove to a nearby mall, and when young mothers weren’t looking, moved their baby carriages to another floor.

When he got back to his office he called Trump who took the call even though he was standing in front of a full-length mirror proposing to himself. The Narcissist and Chief liked Miller’s idea and added that he was himself a big bullfighting fan and hoped one day to cut off Nancy Pelosi’s ears.

theleftwinggazette.com

 

 

 

THERE WILL BE BLOOD

THERE WILL BE BLOOD

Donald Trump, having not had any fresh blood to drink since firing John Kelly, had been jonesing for it something awful. The Del Monte plasma he’d been drinking just wasn’t cutting it anymore. He needed a fresh body. Someone who had the nerve to say, “No” to him. New blood to imbibe and new flesh to toss on the large pile of corpses he’d already collected.

Trump, after cutting Kirstjen Nielson carotid artery with his Popiel Pocket Throat Slasher, enjoyed watching the White House hallways filled with blood once again. After scarfing down a platelet smoothie and feeling euphoric, Trump put on his Speedo, exited the Oval Office and belly- flopped onto the congealing red liquid.

Having heard about all the blood, Sarah Sanders rushed into the White House holding a straw.

The following day, Trump called an immigration meeting that was attended by Sanders, Stephen Miller and Lester Maddox who was on loan from hell.

Trump: Listen up everyone… We have to find the blonde girl’s replacement. I want someone who will appreciate the joy of separating parents and children at the border.

Sarah Sanders: Mr. President, while I enjoy feasting on people’s misery just as much as any of your religious supporters do, we did this before and it was very unpopular with the public. And even worse, it almost caused me to have a human emotion.

Trump: “Human emotion?” You? Gimme a break. Look, I want these kids and their parents separated the way the Saudi’s separated Jamal Khashoggi from his limbs.

Just then, an aide entered holding the mounted head of Kristjen Nielsen. Trump looked at it smiled and responded, “Put it on the wall between Rex Tillerson and Jeff Sessions… Okay folks, our immigration problem… Have they caught the Cisco Kid yet?”

theleftwinggazette.com

 

 

 

 

AMERICAN ANGST

AMERICAN ANGST

Donald Trump’s total lack of empathy and never-ending cruelty is causing such anxiety and fear among Americans that more and more people are being forced to seek psychiatric help if they’re unable to obtain illegal drugs.

We went along with one such citizen, Ms. Carol Peterson, to see noted psychiatrist Dr. Harvey Slavin. Slavin’s license was returned last year when his jail sentence was cut short due to both his improving personal hygiene and the fact that orange made him look fat.

He greeted Ms. Peterson and asked her why she’d come to see him. She responded quickly.

Carol: I hate Donald Trump.

Slavin: Take a number.

Carol: You know… I’d like to go to one of his vanity rallies and call him out on his lies.

Slavin: You’d be hoarse within three minutes.

Carol: I’d still go.

Slavin: Do you drool before each meal?

Carol: No.

Slavin: Sister, you don’t have a shot in hell of getting in.

Carol: There just has to be something wrong with him… Maybe he’s bipolar.

Slavin: No, if you’re bipolar, you have rapid mood swings that change your personality back and forth. Trump’s moods only range from moron to bigger moron to best moron.

Carol: He’s turned me into a nervous wreck.

Slavin: Are you able to sleep at night?

Carol: Sometimes, but I have horrible dreams.

Slavin: Can you share one with me?

Carol: Well, I keep having this one where Trump wakes up in bed with the head of a whore next to him.

Slavin: Are you sure that’s not the head of a horse?

Carol: No, it’s a whore. She has a coin changer.

Slavin: Could we take a minute and discuss what your sex life is like

Carol: Sure… It’s very active.

Slavin: Is it?

Carol: Yes, I get fuc**d by Donald Trump every day.

Slavin: That’s happening to almost everyone.

Carol: Really?

Slavin: You’d be surprised how many of my male patients can’t sit down.

theleftwinggazette.com