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Month: April 2019

THE EASTER DUMMY

THE EASTER DUMMY

Last Monday, Donald Trump hosted the annual White House Easter egg roll. He spoke with the children long enough to distract them while Don Jr., Eric and Ivanka stole all the chocolate eggs.

Jared Kushner was not allowed to attend because he wanted to dress as the Easter matzoh.

Prior to the event, Trump’s aides brought in two revered Christian leaders to explain the meaning of Easter to him.

In attendance were three-hundred-year-old Pat Robertson and his caregiver. Billy Graham’s son, Franklin, was also there. Franklin has been crisscrossing the country on “Haters for Christ” crusade.

Trump entered and Graham asked if he knew what Easter celebrated. Trump replied, “It celebrates the Bunny of Death bypassing bunny houses and not stealing their carrots.

Graham: No sir. It celebrates the day that Christ rose from the grave.

Trump: Christ rose from the grave… You’re shitting me, right?

Graham: No, Mr. President, it’s true. Look at this picture.

Trump: It looks like a stick figure drawing of Stephen Miller crawling out of a grave again.

Graham: Again?

Trump: Right. We all need sex, don’t we?

Pat Robertson, who was being fed, spit food from his mouth as he shrieked, “It’s the gays’ fault. Damn the gays.” His caretaker spoke to him, “Here Reverend, let me clean the lima bean soup off your face.”

Robertson: Lima bean soup isn’t gay, is it?

Graham: No, Pat. That’s chicken noodle soup.

Robertson: Good. I don’t want any gayness in me… at least until I have to redecorate my home.

Graham: Mr. President, I’m sure you’re aware that on Easter, little girls put on white dresses.

Trump:  Ivanka does that for me. Then we go into the closet and play our special game.

Graham: Mr. Trump,  Easter is not about incest. Incest is wrong.

Trump: Maybe, but incest is better than no cest at all.

Robertson shouted, “Damn the transgenders.”

Trump: I think I’ve got this Easter thing, Reverend Graham.

He got up and headed to the door while chuckling… “Risen from the grave. Yeah, right.”

theleftwinggazette.com

 

IT’S MILLER TIME

IT’S MILLER TIME

Trump sycophant Stephen Miller, who hopes one day to lead his own Panzer division, has been tasked by his boss to quickly solve America’s immigration problem. Miller, a brilliant and even crueler strategist, knew exactly who to call.

Getting Lori Loughlin on the phone, he proceeded to charm her by telling her how much he’d always enjoyed her as the housekeeper on “Diff’rent Strokes.”

He then asked her to answer her country’s call and help solve our immigration issues by getting as many illegal aliens into USC as possible.

Loughlin liked the idea, but before committing, she wanted assurances that that being a wealthy, uncaring, marginally talented actress and felon was no longer a crime in Donald Trump’s America. Miller reassured her by saying, “Of course it’s not. Just look at our Cabinet.”

Loughlin thought it over and felt confident that a judge would recognize her patriotism for helping the Trump administration and only sentence her to picking up trash on the White House lawn, which consists mainly of Big Mac wrappers and the shattered dreams of decent Americans.

The “Full House” star accepted Miller’s offer and immediately pulled together a plan where, using Photoshop, she could show the administrators at USC that Hispanics at the border would be a great addition to the school’s bull fighting team.

Having solved the nation’s immigration problem, Miller felt that he was entitled to go out and have some fun. He drove to a nearby mall, and when young mothers weren’t looking, moved their baby carriages to another floor.

When he got back to his office he called Trump who took the call even though he was standing in front of a full-length mirror proposing to himself. The Narcissist and Chief liked Miller’s idea and added that he was himself a big bullfighting fan and hoped one day to cut off Nancy Pelosi’s ears.

theleftwinggazette.com

 

 

 

THERE WILL BE BLOOD

THERE WILL BE BLOOD

Donald Trump, having not had any fresh blood to drink since firing John Kelly, had been jonesing for it something awful. The Del Monte plasma he’d been drinking just wasn’t cutting it anymore. He needed a fresh body. Someone who had the nerve to say, “No” to him. New blood to imbibe and new flesh to toss on the large pile of corpses he’d already collected.

Trump, after cutting Kirstjen Nielson carotid artery with his Popiel Pocket Throat Slasher, enjoyed watching the White House hallways filled with blood once again. After scarfing down a platelet smoothie and feeling euphoric, Trump put on his Speedo, exited the Oval Office and belly- flopped onto the congealing red liquid.

Having heard about all the blood, Sarah Sanders rushed into the White House holding a straw.

The following day, Trump called an immigration meeting that was attended by Sanders, Stephen Miller and Lester Maddox who was on loan from hell.

Trump: Listen up everyone… We have to find the blonde girl’s replacement. I want someone who will appreciate the joy of separating parents and children at the border.

Sarah Sanders: Mr. President, while I enjoy feasting on people’s misery just as much as any of your religious supporters do, we did this before and it was very unpopular with the public. And even worse, it almost caused me to have a human emotion.

Trump: “Human emotion?” You? Gimme a break. Look, I want these kids and their parents separated the way the Saudi’s separated Jamal Khashoggi from his limbs.

Just then, an aide entered holding the mounted head of Kristjen Nielsen. Trump looked at it smiled and responded, “Put it on the wall between Rex Tillerson and Jeff Sessions… Okay folks, our immigration problem… Have they caught the Cisco Kid yet?”

theleftwinggazette.com