Navigation

Month: May 2019

THE SWAMP

THE SWAMP

The Left Wing Gazette has just learned of a lawsuit being brought by “The Swamp” against Donald Trump. Among others named in Swamp V. Trump are Sarah Sanders, Lindsey Graham, Mitch McConnell, Kellyanne Conway and Rudy Giuliani.

Upon learning of the legal action, Giuliani called Trump and offered to represent him in court. Trump answered quickly, “Pass, Rudy. I’m hiring a competent lawyer for this one.” Rudy suggested, “Maybe Bob Barr could represent you.” Trump barked back, “I said a competent lawyer, not an ass licker lawyer, you boob.”

We requested an interview with The Swamp. They agreed and sent us their best known resident, The Creature From the Black Lagoon.

Us: It’s an honor to have you here, Creature.

Creature: F**k off… Sorry, ever since you clowns elected Trump, all of us in the Swamp have developed a bad case of Tourette’s. Blow me.

Us: We’re cool… What caused the Swamp to bring this suit?

Creature: We’ve had it with your imbecile leader giving us a bad name. His White House has more slimy things crawling out of it than our muck and mire ever did. More things ooze out of there than out of an open sore. Damn, I said I wasn’t going to talk about Don Jr. … Piss, shit.

US: You seem really outraged.

Creature: We all are. Look, we may be scum, filth, and bottom dwellers, but Sarah Sanders, Stephen Miller and Steve King… give me a break. Who wants to be associated with the likes of them?

Us: You don’t have anyone that bad down there?
Creature: Sure we do. Lots.  Our worst is a snake named Donald that’s nasty, vile and so incompetent that he can’t shed his skin without giving himself hemorrhoids.

Us: Sounds awful.

Creature: It is. I mean, what you are supposed to do with a bloated viper that just swims around all day saying, “I’m a very stable reptile?”

Us: F**k, crap, bastard.

theleftwinggazette

 

IMMIGRATION

IMMIGRATION

Jared Kushner presented his father-in-law’s new immigration plan to a group of Republican Senators last week. Afterward, a number of them came to the conclusion that Kushner was “clueless.” We find that very difficult to believe because of Jared’s great success in bringing peace to the Middle East except for the knifings, shootings, rocket and terrorist attacks.

Stephen Miller, also in attendance at the meeting, dazzled the Senators by catching a fly with his tongue.

Prior to that meeting, Kushner and Miller, better known around the White House as Ralph and Potsie, prepped the Trump’s plan. Things got off to a rocky start with Miller in a rotten mood because he still hasn’t been able to figure out his gender.

Eventually, they got down to business and agreed to carefully follow Trump’s instructions. Trump told them that he wanted his plan to build upon our nation’s greatest immigration triumph, slavery.

At the outset, Trump consulted many experts on immigration such as Robert Craft, Kanye West and Rex the Wonder Horse.

Trump told Kushner and Miller, not to deal with DACA because the GOP is divided over the topic. It is well known that many Republicans want the Dreamers sent back and that the rest led by the Steve King faction wants them euthanized. Poor Trump. What’s a fascist to do?

He demanded that all immigrants pass a civics test. Wanting to make the exam as difficult as possible, Trump contributed one of the questions. That being: What is the capital of Michigan? A: Tallahassee B: Phoenix or C: Denver? Having audited a civics class at Trump University, he knows that the capital of Michigan is Phoenix.

When Kushner and Miller finished polishing Trump’s plan, Miller asked, “Is it true that the President is going to start pardoning our very own war criminals soon?”

Jared: Count on it.

Miller: Man, this White House gets funner and funner every day.

theleftwinggazette

 

TRUMP’S TAXES

TRUMP’S TAXES

Multiple national polls show that a majority of Americas want Donald Trump to reveal his taxes. A majority of Americans also want him to spontaneously combust.

Trump claims that The New York Times is working in cahoots with the IRS. Trump once told CNN’s Chris Cuomo that he believes that the tax collectors may have it in for him because he’s a “Strong Christian.” Trump went on to say that his unshakable faith is derived from the Bible in the “Book of Capone,” which is the only sacred book that lets you connect the dots.

What Trump likes least in the Bible is “The Book of Shoop-Shoop,” which opens with “Beware the orange tax cheat, for he shall poison the soil and befoul your water supply.” The book goes on to impart further wisdom, stating, “If you want to know if he loves you so it’s in his kiss – that’s where it is.”

The Left Wing Gazette has obtained the first 26000 pages of the President’s 2012 tax return.

Trump claims his wife, sons Eric and Barron and daughter Ivanka as dependants. He claims Donald Jr. as a total loss. The IRS allowed the deduction, after genetic testing confirmed that Don Jr. came from the part of the gene pool that little children pee in.

Trump claimed charitable deductions of twelve-million dollars. All but forty-seven dollars were disallowed. The forty-seven dollars were actually donated to the Kellyanne Conway Home for Grinning Idiots.

The IRS is still deciding if Trump can deduct his Agent Orange Tanning Cream.

Trump has always been a big fan of both Sarin gas and Agent Orange.  Being a more deadly carcinogenic than either of those, he has recently said he’d like to drop the Vietnam-era weapon on Iran.

This week’s acting Secretary of Defense has informed Trump that all stockpiles of Agent Orange were destroyed after the war. He suggested that if Trump wanted to use a highly toxic bomb, he should drop himself on Iran.

The American Farm Association is urging him to do so.

theleftwinggazette.com

 

Ken Hecht