Navigation

Month: May 2019

TRUMP’S TAXES

TRUMP’S TAXES

Multiple national polls show that a majority of Americas want Donald Trump to reveal his taxes. A majority of Americans also want him to spontaneously combust.

Trump claims that The New York Times is working in cahoots with the IRS. Trump once told CNN’s Chris Cuomo that he believes that the tax collectors may have it in for him because he’s a “Strong Christian.” Trump went on to say that his unshakable faith is derived from the Bible in the “Book of Capone,” which is the only sacred book that lets you connect the dots.

What Trump likes least in the Bible is “The Book of Shoop-Shoop,” which opens with “Beware the orange tax cheat, for he shall poison the soil and befoul your water supply.” The book goes on to impart further wisdom, stating, “If you want to know if he loves you so it’s in his kiss – that’s where it is.”

The Left Wing Gazette has obtained the first 26000 pages of the President’s 2012 tax return.

Trump claims his wife, sons Eric and Barron and daughter Ivanka as dependants. He claims Donald Jr. as a total loss. The IRS allowed the deduction, after genetic testing confirmed that Don Jr. came from the part of the gene pool that little children pee in.

Trump claimed charitable deductions of twelve-million dollars. All but forty-seven dollars were disallowed. The forty-seven dollars were actually donated to the Kellyanne Conway Home for Grinning Idiots.

The IRS is still deciding if Trump can deduct his Agent Orange Tanning Cream.

Trump has always been a big fan of both Sarin gas and Agent Orange.  Being a more deadly carcinogenic than either of those, he has recently said he’d like to drop the Vietnam-era weapon on Iran.

This week’s acting Secretary of Defense has informed Trump that all stockpiles of Agent Orange were destroyed after the war. He suggested that if Trump wanted to use a highly toxic bomb, he should drop himself on Iran.

The American Farm Association is urging him to do so.

theleftwinggazette.com

 

Ken Hecht

BUSINESSMAN OF THE YEAR

BUSINESSMAN OF THE YEAR

Donald Trump, in order to distract from being found out as the worst businessman in the history of the world, will again embark on another of his pathetic ego boosting tours.

His favorite “Hate is Great Tour” was recently held in Ohio where he bragged to his followers about his latest award from Satan for being the greatest “fraud” in history since Milli Vanilli and Bernie Madoff.

Trump’s latest honor was achieved by telling over ten thousand lies in less than 2 years. As a reward, the Devil assured his bloated disciple that he will, upon Trump’s arrival in hell, furnish him with a death-time supply of idiots stupid enough to believe whatever comes out of his mouth. Even if it’s pieces of a Big Mac.

Lucifer also guaranteed Trump a never-ending stream of racist morons who will applaud his abuse of the English language and disassociated ramblings while continually praising his acts of Presidential cruelty.

Trump told the room that Satan greatly appreciates the way many of them have prostituted Jesus’s teachings to fit their hate-mongering. To accommodate these people,  the Devil, as he awaits their arrival, will enlarge the Strom Thurmond wing of hell.

The applause was deafening.

The President then told everyone, “It’s the Democrats’ fault that Satan has gotten a bad rap for so long. The Devil is an inspiration to all people without morals or a conscience, which includes my entire family and everyone working in the White House, most especially Stephen Miller who I applaud for being the world’s leading self-hating Jew.”

Hearing the word, “Jew” the crowd began jumping around wildly and chanting, “Down with unleavened bread.” Several in the crowd tried nailing a piece of matzoh to a cross, but it kept breaking.

Prior to introducing Ted Nugent and his “Musical Hate Band,” and after lauding his own skills as a businessman, Trump left the stage and walked among his followers asking, “Can anyone loan me a few dollars?”

theleftwinggazette.com

 

 

 

ASS-FLAKES

ASS-FLAKES

Noted Washington D.C. dermatologist Dr. Michael Gelman had a full schedule of politicians set for the day. His nurse, the shapely Harvina Slavin, entered the exam room and said, “I think there’s a German U-boat commander in the waiting room. He keeps shouting, “Torpedoes los. Should I send him in?”

Dr. Gelman: Does he have insurance?

Harvina: Yes.

Gelman: Of course send him in.

Presidential advisor Stephen Miller entered the room. It was obvious that something was very wrong with his lips. Dr. Gelman got out his puckerometer and examined Miller closely.

Gelman: Your lips are covered with ass-flakes. Have you been kissing a lot of asses recently?

Miller: Just one. President Trump’s.

Gelman: Well, every time you kiss that ass, it’s times four. Listen, Mr. Miller, ass-flakes, also known as Brown Noser’s Syndrome, can shorten one’s life considerably.

From just outside the examining room’s door came a loud, “Yay” from nurse Slavin.

Miller: Is there a cream or a salve for it?

Gelman: Unfortunately there’s not. I’m sorry to say that the best thing medicine has to offer to remove ass-flakes is a leaf blower. I can refer you to a gardener.

Miller: As long as it’s not a Mexican.

Gelman: Funny. Kellyanne Conway was in with her ass-flakes yesterday and said the same thing.

Dr. Gelman made a note on his chart, “Bigot putz.”

Dr. Gelman: Let me give you a full examination. Please, take off your clothes.

Miller did, and Dr. Gelman looked at him a bit startled, “Did you know you don’t have any balls?”

Miller: Of course I know. I’m a Republican. That’s why we have guns.

When the doctor finished his exam he told Miller, “Well, except for having no testicles and your penis being more rumor that an actual appendage, you’re okay. Just make sure you take care of yourself.”

Miller replied, “I am. I see the proctologist next.”

Nurse Harvina entered and told Dr. Gelman, “Your next patient has the exact same lip problem.”

Dr. Gelman: Right. Send Attorney General Barr in.

theleftwinggazette.com