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Month: June 2019

PRAYER MEETING

PRAYER MEETING

Some of America’s leading fake Christians flew into the nation’s capitol recently  to hold a worship service for mega-heathen Donald Trump. They arrived in their personal jets that are paid for by their gullible followers who live in the dark like mushrooms, only aren’t as smart.

Trump entered the room thirty seconds after his stomach did and greeted everyone, telling them that he was, “glad to be here and share his expertise on hucksterism.” The God-Squaders responded by telling him that they were all accomplished swindlers and that they had come to pray with Trump.

Trump: I appreciate that, but it’s unnecessary because God loves me and has shown it by letting me slide through life without morals or a conscience.

Jerry Falwell Jr.: We know that, sir, but we’re worried about the recent polls that show you’re going to lose biggly.

Franklin Graham: And if that happens, who’s going to help us overturn Roe v. Wade and deprive women of their rights?

Trump: The polls are fake and we will get Roe v. Wade overturned… Does anyone actually know who this Roe V person is?

Joel Osteen thought to himself, “God must really like morons.”

Snoring was heard and everyone turned to see Pat Robertson asleep with a big smile on his face and mumbling, “Yes, touch me there, Jeremy.”

Franklin Graham blasted an air horn in Robertson’s ear, waking him and quickly returning him to 1954.

Falwell Jr.: Sir, we want to pray that you remain steadfast in your commitment to the pro-life movement.

Trump: Of course I will, but I’m also pro-choice.

The Jesus all-stars were stunned.

Trump: I want to be able to walk into a restaurant and choose between steak, chicken and Hispanic infant stew.

Osteen: We should pray now, Mr. President.

Trump: Fine. Which minority do you want to prey upon?

theleftwinggazette.com

 

INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE


INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE

Prior to departing for Orlando to kick off his 2020 campaign, America’s fake President sat down with The Left Wing Gazette, America’s most honored fake newspaper.

Us: Mr. Trump, would you care to comment on having to withdraw acting Secretary of Defense Patrick Shanahan’s nomination?

Trump: Well, it’s the nation’s loss, really. I know Patrick and he was somewhat qualified for the job and would have served America adequately.

Us: What about his family’s domestic violence problem?

Trump: It’s not clear what happened there, but I want every American to know that I’m against domestic violence and that men must learn not to beat their wives any more than necessary.

Us: Great advice, sir… How do you feel about Sarah Sanders stepping down as your press secretary?

Trump: Well, of course, I’ll really miss her.

Us: Perhaps you’ll be reunited in Hell.

Trump: I’ll have to talk to Satan about that when we have lunch next week.… Lips, the only ones softer on my ass than Sarah’s were those of fake Christians like Franklin Graham and Pat Robertson… My re-election hinges on my Bible buds continuing to spread hate as the word of God.

Us: Have you ever actually read the Bible, sir?

Trump: I don’t need to. Charlton Heston’s a great friend of mine. I’m even thinking of nominating him to be our new Secretary of Defense.

Us: He’s been dead for over ten years, sir.

Trump: Too bad. He’d have closed the chariot gap with our enemies, England and France.

Us: Forgetting politics for a moment, we were wondering why the Trumps don’t have a dog.

Trump: What a dumb question. A dog would take attention away from me. And dogs are shit machines. They’re stupid and they crap all over everything. I’ve got Don Jr. for that.

Us: Is that why you have plastic slipcovers on the White House couches?

Trump: That and the fact that he sheds, too… And just for the record, I once had a dog.

Us: What happened?

Trump: It coughed.

theleftwinggazette.com

VERY STABLE GENIUS

VERY STABLE GENIUS

Seeing the President display even more bizarre behavior than usual, Donald Trump’s staff suggested that he to talk to a trained professional. Trump’s response was, “Oh goody, hookers.”

When his staff explained what they meant, Trump agreed to meet with a shrink on the condition that it not be made public.

The staff chose esteemed psychiatrist Dr. Michael Lerner. Lerner is known for his occasional competence and being the first shrink to charge his patients by the neurosis.

In order to keep the session secret, the appointment was made under the name Very Stable Genius.

The session:

Very Stable Genius: You’ve gotta help me, Doc. I can’t get Nancy Pelosi out of my head. I don’t think people know how horrible that is.

Lerner: I think they do. You’re in the heads of millions of people and they’re all trying to get you out.

VSG: How do you know that?

Lerner: Knitting needle sales are way up… What else is bothering you?

VSG: Well, the people around me… they’re downers, always upset.

Lerner: For instance.

 

VSG: Like John Bolton. His whole life, he’s wanted to start an illegitimate war for young American men and women to die in… I mean, it’s good to have goals, but I can’t let him do that. It could cost me votes.

Lerner was able to avoid throwing up.

Lerner: Think, something must be going well for you?

VSG: Well, at least the morons who only care about overturning Roe v. Wade don’t seem to notice that I’m stealing their country and giving it to Vladimir Putin.

Lerner: Right… Anything else make you happy?

VSG: Let me see… Yes, Lindsay Graham.

Lerner: As I remember, you didn’t like each other at first.

VSG: I know, but we’re friends now.

Lerner: What do you attribute that to?

VSG: Well, when John McCain died, they buried Lindsey Graham’s morals and ethics with him… Trust me, life is so much easier without morals and ethics… You know Doc, I feel a lot better now.

Lerner, under his breath, mumbled, “Crap.”

theleftwinggazette.com