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Month: July 2019

NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY

NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY

Donald Trump, in his quest to put as many unqualified people with venom in their hearts in top government jobs, has nominated Texas Congressman John Ratcliffe to be the next head of America’s National Intelligence Agencies.

Trump and Ratcliffe spoke after the congressman attacked Robert Mueller during last week’s hearing. Our Commander in Chief was truly impressed with Ratcliffe’s ability to attack Mueller while simultaneously sticking his tongue up Trump’s ass from the hearing room.

The congressman’s tongue had to take a number and wait when it got there because Mitch McConnell, Kellyanne Conway and Steve Mnuchin’s tongues were in line ahead of his.

Trump thanked his newest sycophant and went on to compliment Ratcliffe’s character for having accomplished very little in his life, but having no problem doing a hatchet job on Mueller, a Marine who risked his life for this country and was awarded seven medals including the Purple Heart and Bronze Star.

Trump said he loved watching Ratcliffe tear into Mueller and then began to muse wistfully… “It’s those really hateful moments in life that we remember so fondly.”

After a moment, Trump told Ratcliffe,  “There are two questions you have to answer in order to get the nomination…. Do you have any problem helping me further sell out our country to Russia?”

Ratcliffe: None.

Trump: Excellent… and this next one’s the biggy… do you ever find yourself caring about other people? Wanting to help them out?

Ratcliffe: I’m a right-wing radical from a wealthy Texas town, so… almost never.

Trump: Well, John, I’m the right guy to get you to “never.” A few months around me and you won’t even care about your own mother.

Ratcliffe: My mother passed away.

Trump: Hmm…  You know, I think my mother might be dead too. I’ll make a call.

Before the dumbfounded Ratcliffe could answer, Trump stood, shook his hand and said, “Welcome to the  Trump Swamp 2.0.”

theleftwinggazette.com

 

MARITAL BLISS

MARITAL BLISS

On Monday, Donald and Melania Trump climbed into their limo and headed for John Paul Steven’s memorial service. Trump began trying on appropriate sad faces for the memorial.

Trump: How’s this one look?

Melania: That’s your “Nancy Pelosi kicked my ass again” face.

Trump: Screw it. I’ll just wing it like I do with everything else.

The phone rang.

Trump: Hello. Hi, John.

He whispered to Melania. “It’s Bolton again. Crap… No, John, you can’t bomb Iran… No, not even a little bit… Stop whining, dammit. Why don’t you get your paintball gun and go to the Cabinet meeting? That always cheers you up…. Sure, John, you can shoot the negro first.”

He hung up and turned to Melania.

Trump: Fu*king loon… How do I look?

Melania: Like a blivet.

Trump: What’s a blivet?

Melania: Ten pounds of sh*t in a five-pound bag. You need to lose weight. I have to have my haunches replaced.

Trump: Listen, I’m not that fat.

Melania: Please, your ass looks like it came from IKEA.

Trump: You’ve really gone full-bore bitch today, you Slovenian twat.

Melania: Sorry, but I’m stressed. I don’t know how much longer I can go on covering and lying for you… All this tension between us, it’s started to affect Barron.

Trump: Who?

Melania: Our son.

Trump: I don’t remember us having a kid. How old?

Melania: Thirteen. And he’s very smart.

Trump: I have a smart son? Well, one out of three’s not bad… Why don’t I remember him being born?

Melania: Because you weren’t at the hospital. You were off with some hooker whose picture I found in your wallet.

Trump: Oh, Craylene… She was great. She loved me until her sense of smell returned.

They arrived at the Supreme Court and Trump asked, “What about this face?”

Melania: Terrible. Look, what if I told you that you had to pay your debts and that you couldn’t lie and steal anymore?

Melania watched his face… “Perfect, darling”

the leftwinggazette.com

 

 

SOCIAL MEDIA SUMMIT

SOCIAL MEDIA SUMMIT

Donald Trump hosted a “social media summit” at the White House last Thursday. Dozens of right-wing conspiracy theorists and internet bottom feeders, many off their meds, attended.

When the right-wingers entered they were given complimentary Donald Trump autographed brooms to add to the ones already occupying their tight Republican asses. They were appreciative, but many complained that the brooms didn’t have enough splinters. They immediately blamed Obama.

The throng was delighted to discover entertainment had been planned for them in the form of a swimsuit competition. When their votes were in, the winner was Sarah Sanders. She’d gotten just one vote more than Mitch McConnell. Some believed McConnell would have won if he hadn’t tripped over his chins. Sanders, always her gracious self, accepted her award and thanked the makers of Spandex.

When the attendees were all settled on or under their seats, Kellyanne Conway demonstrated the correct way to pucker before kissing Trump’s rear end. “Rear end” is, of course, a misnomer because his rear doesn’t ever actually end.

Trump entered to thunderous applause and immediately bragged to the gathered that he’d just come up with his 2020 campaign slogan: “Slavery, what is it good for? Lots.”

He then began to whine about the many “fake news” plots against him and told the twisted bloggers and podcasters that they were his mainline of defense against the truth. When he added, “The crap you think of is unbelievable,” they stood and cheered. One even called back, “The crap you marry is unbelievable, too.” Trump responded, “Thank you for noticing.”

Trump acknowledged well-known bigot Sebastian Gorka. He stood and bemoaned the fact that the U.S. Women’s Soccer Team is out to destroy all the goodness and decency in America.

Trump piped up, “I don’t need those broads’ help. I’m just one election away from doing that myself.”

theleftwinggazette.com