Month: August 2019



Right-wing religious loon, Ken Cuccinelli, has been made Acting Director of Citizenship and Immigration Services. Another Republican who uses the Bible to promote hate and persecution, he is a perfect fit for Donald Trump’s sprint back to the 50’s team. Cuccinelli has denied being a bigot, saying, “I don’t dislike Jews more than necessary and I strongly support Black Lives Matter Somewhat.”

Cuccinelli almost failed Trump’s rigorous vetting and was almost denied the job because his lips have often been mistaken for Wheat Thins. They’re so flat that they’ve embarrassed him since he was a child when his uncle, Billy Bob Satan, used to make fun of them. He believes that the man who deflated Tom Brady’s balls did the same to his lips and has requested that Brady check his balls for fingerprints.

Trump feared he wouldn’t be able to feel Cuccinelli’s lips on his ass, but hired him after he promised he’d get weekly Botox injections.

Immediately after assuming office, Cuccinelli, a gifted literary talent, rewrote the poem found on the Statue of Liberty. He’s currently campaigning to change the iconic monument’s name to the “Statue of “Get the ‘F‘Out of Here”

Cuccinelli has staked out strong positions against homosexuality, bi-sexuality and sex without written permission. Believing that sex is the woman’s fault, he’s campaigned to outlaw estrogen except as a weed killer.

When he and his wife have sex, he insists that the Lawrence Welk music be turned up, that the room be pitch black and that he and his wife be blindfolded. This might account for them each having made passionate love to their clothes caddies, which have notably more warmth than they do.

It should be noted that they are a childless couple, so… Yay.











Wayne Lapierre is the current head of the troubled (not by morals) NRA.

His family, originally from France, moved to Canada but left for America when they realized Canadians weren’t violent enough for them.

LaPierre’s parents were devout Catholics and sent him to a parochial school where he was repeatedly traumatized by the girls consistently telling him, “No way. I don’t date out of my species.” He was further traumatized by the priests telling him, “No way. I don’t molest out of my species.”

That experience caused him to lose touch with reality. One day after having lunch with the family of unicorns living in his head, he heard God tell him that his calling was to get guns into the hands of as many violent and mentally unstable people as possible, never take responsibility for it and amass a fortune from his efforts.

After hearing Trump talk about gun control after our two latest bloodbaths, he summoned Trump to a meeting at LaPierre’s happiest place on earth, Abattoir-land. LaPierre wasted no time warning Trump.

LaPierre: Mr. President, if you back any commonsense gun control legislation, you can kiss the NRA’s support goodbye. And you can’t afford to lose it… I just saw several polls saying that suburban housewives who voted for you last time are so anxious about sending their kids to school that they’re going to vote Democratic.

Trump: Really. Crap… Damn, I’d better issue an executive order prohibiting anxiety in suburban women. Except for the Jews because they can’t help it.

LaPierre: They can’t?

Trump: Listen, Ivanka never had anxiety before she married that dainty Hebraic.

LaPierre: Dainty? Jared?

Trump: I have pictures of him menstruating.

LaPierre: Okay, enough warm-family shit… Now you’re going to do like you’re told, right?

Trump: Yeah, I guess.

LaPierre: Good. Now bend over like you always do.

Trump obeyed orders, bent over and blocked out the sun.





In the interest of full disclosure, let me state that Stephen Ross and I both graduated from Miami Beach Senior High School. We were years apart,  I’ve never met him, and even though I was fortunate in my career, he is a billionaire and I am still five dollars short of that, so we don’t travel in the same circles.

As for my five dollar shortfall, I’ll discuss my Go Fund Me page in a later post.

Last weekend, Ross held a lavish fundraiser for Donald Trump to help extend Fearless Leader’s reign of terror for an additional four years.

It would be easy to write Ross off as just a cold and heartless billionaire, except for the fact that his Stephen A. Ross Foundation has given hundreds of millions of dollars to organizations that deal with researching junior diabetes, fighting climate change and improving urban areas. This would seem to indicate that his heart’s in the right place.

So why is Ross trying to help re-elect a man who has no ethics or morals and who is so dead inside that he stole from his own charity and used the money to have portraits of himself painted?

Ross says he disagrees with Trump on many issues but likes his approach to the economy. Ross’s position is the clearest example I’ve ever seen of just what the Republican Party is about. Money over people, money over all else. I believe that Ross cares about people, but not nearly as much as he cares about his money.

So how does a man who is almost eighty and worth over seven billion dollars reconcile his charitable side with his venality? How at this point does he not get that he should be placing people’s lives and the quality of those lives and the interests of this planet ahead of acquiring more wealth?

So Mr. Ross, just how rich do you need to die?