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Month: August 2019

COWARD-in-CHIEF

COWARD-in-CHIEF

Wayne Lapierre is the current head of the troubled (not by morals) NRA.

His family, originally from France, moved to Canada but left for America when they realized Canadians weren’t violent enough for them.

LaPierre’s parents were devout Catholics and sent him to a parochial school where he was repeatedly traumatized by the girls consistently telling him, “No way. I don’t date out of my species.” He was further traumatized by the priests telling him, “No way. I don’t molest out of my species.”

That experience caused him to lose touch with reality. One day after having lunch with the family of unicorns living in his head, he heard God tell him that his calling was to get guns into the hands of as many violent and mentally unstable people as possible, never take responsibility for it and amass a fortune from his efforts.

After hearing Trump talk about gun control after our two latest bloodbaths, he summoned Trump to a meeting at LaPierre’s happiest place on earth, Abattoir-land. LaPierre wasted no time warning Trump.

LaPierre: Mr. President, if you back any commonsense gun control legislation, you can kiss the NRA’s support goodbye. And you can’t afford to lose it… I just saw several polls saying that suburban housewives who voted for you last time are so anxious about sending their kids to school that they’re going to vote Democratic.

Trump: Really. Crap… Damn, I’d better issue an executive order prohibiting anxiety in suburban women. Except for the Jews because they can’t help it.

LaPierre: They can’t?

Trump: Listen, Ivanka never had anxiety before she married that dainty Hebraic.

LaPierre: Dainty? Jared?

Trump: I have pictures of him menstruating.

LaPierre: Okay, enough warm-family shit… Now you’re going to do like you’re told, right?

Trump: Yeah, I guess.

LaPierre: Good. Now bend over like you always do.

Trump obeyed orders, bent over and blocked out the sun.

theleftwinggazette.com

 

 

DEAD INSIDE

DEAD INSIDE

In the interest of full disclosure, let me state that Stephen Ross and I both graduated from Miami Beach Senior High School. We were years apart,  I’ve never met him, and even though I was fortunate in my career, he is a billionaire and I am still five dollars short of that, so we don’t travel in the same circles.

As for my five dollar shortfall, I’ll discuss my Go Fund Me page in a later post.

Last weekend, Ross held a lavish fundraiser for Donald Trump to help extend Fearless Leader’s reign of terror for an additional four years.

It would be easy to write Ross off as just a cold and heartless billionaire, except for the fact that his Stephen A. Ross Foundation has given hundreds of millions of dollars to organizations that deal with researching junior diabetes, fighting climate change and improving urban areas. This would seem to indicate that his heart’s in the right place.

So why is Ross trying to help re-elect a man who has no ethics or morals and who is so dead inside that he stole from his own charity and used the money to have portraits of himself painted?

Ross says he disagrees with Trump on many issues but likes his approach to the economy. Ross’s position is the clearest example I’ve ever seen of just what the Republican Party is about. Money over people, money over all else. I believe that Ross cares about people, but not nearly as much as he cares about his money.

So how does a man who is almost eighty and worth over seven billion dollars reconcile his charitable side with his venality? How at this point does he not get that he should be placing people’s lives and the quality of those lives and the interests of this planet ahead of acquiring more wealth?

So Mr. Ross, just how rich do you need to die?

theleftwinggazette.com

N.R.A.

N.R.A.

The Left Wing Gazette, through its commitment to the honest reporting of the news, was able to secure an interview with a N.R.A. executive.

We wanted to interview him in our offices, but he insisted that we meet at an abattoir.

When we sat down, I asked, “Would you like to use the restroom?”

NRA guy: No. Why?

LWGazette: So you can wash the blood off your hands.

NRA guy: I’m good. First off, I want to state that I am very proud to be an N.R.A. member.

LWG: If you’re so proud, then why are you wearing a bag over your head?

NRA: Does it bother you?

LWG: No. It’s lovely. Have you ever considered switching to a plastic one?

NRA: What?

LWG: Let’s move on. Are you aware that many N.R.A. members support background checks and banning assault weapons?

NRA: That’s just liberal fake news. Our fake news is much better. More lies per paragraph than Joseph Goebbels could ever dream of.

LWG: Talk to us about your organization’s political domination of Washington.

NRA: Well, everyone knows that the Republican Party is a wholly owned subsidiary of the N.R.A.

LWG: So, you admit that Donald Trump and Mitch McConnell belong to you?

NRA: Well, we own Trump and McConnell jointly with Vladimir Putin… Now there’s a leader who knows how to appreciate a high fatality event.

LWG: When one of these “high fatality events” occurs, you always blame other groups.

NRA: Yes, we have lots of nationalities and religions we can trash. It’s one of the perks of being a bigot. I could send you a starter kit if you like.

LWG: Pass. How do feel about Trump’s pronouncement after last weekend’s massacres that “Hate has no place in our country?”

NRA: Great lip service.

LWG: Are you aware that the majority of Americans also feel there is too much hate in our country.

NRA: I don’t see it.

LWG: Have you looked in the Oval Office?

theleftwinggazette.com