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Month: September 2019

BOLTON

BOLTON

Upon his recent firing, John Bolton wanted to explain himself to the American people, but credible news outlets refused. We jumped at the chance as this paper’s founding principle is to protect the free speech of lunatics.

We weren’t comfortable with the idea of sitting down with him at first, but once he showed us that his rabies shots were current, we relaxed.

We went to his home where he graciously offered us Bloody Marys. Having heard the rumor that he uses real blood, we declined.

He then catapulted into defending his extremist hawkish stance on Iran. He told us that he didn’t come to his “bomb the crap out of em’” policy easily. Said he, “I asked myself the really hard question of, what would Dr. Strangelove do?”

We mentioned that he seemed very cavalier about killing people and reminded him that he’d dodged the draft during Viet Nam. He repeated what he’d told the Heritage Foundation in 2002 speech: “I had no desire to die in a Southeast Asian rice paddy.” Next, he added, “What a horrible death. I mean dying in a Japanese sushi pond is one thing, but…”

Switching topics, he told us that as soon as he quit Trump, he immediately went back to overseeing his two pacs, The John Bolton Pac and the John Bolton Super Pac, which just opened their third munitions factory. All are located next to elementary schools.

We told him that we’d heard he went to Yale Law School with Clarence Thomas and that they were still good friends. He acknowledged this by saying, “Clarence and I became close almost a year before he turned white.”

We inquired boldly, “Are you troubled by the fact that many people think you’re insane?”

“Look, after spending more than a year with Donald Trump, I feel like the poster boy for Mental Health Week.”

theleftwinggazette.com

 

TRUMP FAMILY DYNASTY

TRUMP FAMILY DYNASTY

Having gotten word of his children’s infighting over which one would carry the family dynasty forward, Donald Trump decided to meet with them in the White House library, which hasn’t been used since he took office.

Trump’s semi-human spawn waited for their father, who was running late from just having fired John Bolton. When Trump entered, Ivanka immediately handed him a tissue and said, “Hi daddy. You’ve still got blood in the corners of your mouth.”

Trump: Later, sweetheart. You know how I like to savor the taste when I cut someone’s throat… Listen, you guys, fighting over my dynasty is ridiculous. If I ever die, I’m planning on all of you being buried with me in the Trump Mausoleum.

Trump coughed. Junior asked enthusiastically, “Is it emphysema, dad?” as Eric and Ivanka looked on hopefully.

Trump said, “I’m fine.” Faces fell.

Ivanka: Daddy. I think you should pick me to lead your dynasty into the future.

Don Jr. snarled, “Of course he’ll pick you, Daughter Dearest, you’ve always been his favorite.”

Ivanka snapped back, “I should be. You two have children with tails.”

Trump: That’s enough. I loved all you kids equally… until Ivanka developed those legs. Hubba, hubba.

Ivanka: Oh daddy, I remember the Christmas you gave me that lifetime supply of Nair.

Eric: Well, you needed it, Brillo loins.

Ivanka: You’re just jealous because he showed me how to use it on my legs, and other parts of my body, too… Daddy, please don’t bury me with you if I’m still making clothes in China.

Trump: Okay, okay, if being buried alive is that upsetting to you, you guys don’t have to be buried with me. If I die.

Eric: What about Melania?

Trump: Melania… well, don’t say anything, but I’m putting a bidet in the mausoleum.

theleftwinggazette.com

JARED and IVANKA

JARED and IVANKA

Jared and Ivanka Kushner, hiding out since the stable genius called himself the King of Israel, agreed to sit down with The Left Wing Gazette because they were really bored.

The first thing we asked them was about was what attracted them to each other.

Ivanka: I think it was destiny. After all, his father was a slumlord and my grandfather and father were slumlords.

LWG: Your father’s not currently a slumlord?

Ivanka: No. Unfortunately, his slums filed for bankruptcy several years ago.

Jared: It was quite sad, actually. My father-in-law had the best poor people. Minorities. You know, the kind of poor people you really enjoy taking advantage of.

Ivanka: We were very involved in their lives when I was growing up.

LWG: How so?

Ivanka: Daddy would take my brothers and me to his slums to learn about various diseases… My favorite was osteoporosis. That’s when I knew I was going to be an important part of the Women’s Movement.

Jared: She’s today’s Gloria Steinem, but with factories in China.

LWG: You’re both advisors to the President. What’s that experience been like?

Jared: It’s very rewarding. He cares more about us than any of the other people he doesn’t listen to.

LWG: He never listens to you?

Ivanka: Sometimes he does. Like when Jared’s out of town and Daddy and I play our special bathtub game.

LWG: And you’re okay with that, Jared?

Jared: It’s in the prenup.

LWG: Ivanka, you weren’t raised Jewish, but converted when you married Jared.

Ivanka: That’s right. And I want you to tell both of your readers just how proud I am of Jared for bringing peace to the Middle East.

LWG: I guess delusion can be hereditary.

Ivanka: What?

LWG: Never mind. Was it difficult changing religions?

Ivanka: Not really. It’s just as easy to not believe in one God as another.

LWG: Do you enjoy being Jewish?

Ivanka: I really do.

Jared: Passover’s her favorite holiday.

Ivanka: It is.

LWG: Why’s that?

Ivanka: I love blowing the shofar.

theleftwinggazette.com