Month: September 2019



After months out of the public view, Rudy Giuliani has re-emerged from the Everglades where he was relaxing at the Trump Swamp and Spa for Reptiles. He’d again answered the call to make a fool of himself as well as defend Donald Trump’s most recent act of treason.

His first night back in New York, the former Mayor awoke in the middle of the night needing to urinate. After returning from the window, he stepped over the broken security glass he places around his bed. Unfortunately, he cut himself on a piece of it.

Bleeding badly, Giuliani screamed out in pain, waking Trixie LaTushie, the dominatrix he was spending the night with. Trixie wore an eye patch and also had a stuffed parrot on her shoulder. Giuliani has pirate fantasies that include Amy Klobuchar making him walk the plank.

Trixie had charged Rudy her normal “sex with a psycho” fee. It was her tenth visit to “His Honor,” and he would receive his next collection of abrasions for free.

Giuliani said, “Aye girlie, would ye get a towel for me foot?”  Ms. LaTushie told him that her towel service would cost an extra $500. Not wanting to bleed on his new rug with Pol Pot’s face on it, the ex-mayor agreed and pointed to his wallet.

Trixie took five hundred dollars and taped it to her wooden leg.

Just then, Giuliani began having difficulty breathing and clutched at his chest. He managed to say, “CPR,” finally spelling it right on his third try.

She immediately held her hand out. He nodded towards his wallet. She took his last $500 and taped it to her other wooden leg.

Trixie wrapped a towel around Rudy’s foot and then made Giuliani gargle with Scope before administering CPR. His breathing returned to normal, but he continued to bleed. She waived her emergency services dialing fee and called 911.

Giuliani thanked her and said, “Same time Saturday?”

Trixie: See you then, Sugar.





Upon his recent firing, John Bolton wanted to explain himself to the American people, but credible news outlets refused. We jumped at the chance as this paper’s founding principle is to protect the free speech of lunatics.

We weren’t comfortable with the idea of sitting down with him at first, but once he showed us that his rabies shots were current, we relaxed.

We went to his home where he graciously offered us Bloody Marys. Having heard the rumor that he uses real blood, we declined.

He then catapulted into defending his extremist hawkish stance on Iran. He told us that he didn’t come to his “bomb the crap out of em’” policy easily. Said he, “I asked myself the really hard question of, what would Dr. Strangelove do?”

We mentioned that he seemed very cavalier about killing people and reminded him that he’d dodged the draft during Viet Nam. He repeated what he’d told the Heritage Foundation in 2002 speech: “I had no desire to die in a Southeast Asian rice paddy.” Next, he added, “What a horrible death. I mean dying in a Japanese sushi pond is one thing, but…”

Switching topics, he told us that as soon as he quit Trump, he immediately went back to overseeing his two pacs, The John Bolton Pac and the John Bolton Super Pac, which just opened their third munitions factory. All are located next to elementary schools.

We told him that we’d heard he went to Yale Law School with Clarence Thomas and that they were still good friends. He acknowledged this by saying, “Clarence and I became close almost a year before he turned white.”

We inquired boldly, “Are you troubled by the fact that many people think you’re insane?”

“Look, after spending more than a year with Donald Trump, I feel like the poster boy for Mental Health Week.”




Having gotten word of his children’s infighting over which one would carry the family dynasty forward, Donald Trump decided to meet with them in the White House library, which hasn’t been used since he took office.

Trump’s semi-human spawn waited for their father, who was running late from just having fired John Bolton. When Trump entered, Ivanka immediately handed him a tissue and said, “Hi daddy. You’ve still got blood in the corners of your mouth.”

Trump: Later, sweetheart. You know how I like to savor the taste when I cut someone’s throat… Listen, you guys, fighting over my dynasty is ridiculous. If I ever die, I’m planning on all of you being buried with me in the Trump Mausoleum.

Trump coughed. Junior asked enthusiastically, “Is it emphysema, dad?” as Eric and Ivanka looked on hopefully.

Trump said, “I’m fine.” Faces fell.

Ivanka: Daddy. I think you should pick me to lead your dynasty into the future.

Don Jr. snarled, “Of course he’ll pick you, Daughter Dearest, you’ve always been his favorite.”

Ivanka snapped back, “I should be. You two have children with tails.”

Trump: That’s enough. I loved all you kids equally… until Ivanka developed those legs. Hubba, hubba.

Ivanka: Oh daddy, I remember the Christmas you gave me that lifetime supply of Nair.

Eric: Well, you needed it, Brillo loins.

Ivanka: You’re just jealous because he showed me how to use it on my legs, and other parts of my body, too… Daddy, please don’t bury me with you if I’m still making clothes in China.

Trump: Okay, okay, if being buried alive is that upsetting to you, you guys don’t have to be buried with me. If I die.

Eric: What about Melania?

Trump: Melania… well, don’t say anything, but I’m putting a bidet in the mausoleum.