Donald Trump’s impeachment hearings and his selling out of our Kurdish allies and ongoing treason to the country has raised Americans’ anxiety to a new high. Manufacturers of Valium and Xanax are reporting record earnings. Airplane glue is also selling quite well.
We decided to talk to an average American, Sheila Comstock, 52, and ask her how she was handling the nation’s Donald Trump nightmare.
Us: How are you today, Ms. Comstock?
Sheila: I hate Donald Trump:
Us: Take a number.
Sheila: You know… I’d like to go to one of his vanity rallies and call him out on his lies.
Us: Do you drool uncontrollably?
Us: You don’t have a shot in hell of getting in.
Sheila: You know, there just has to be something wrong with him… Maybe he’s bipolar.
Us: No, if you’re bipolar, you have rapid mood swings that change your personality back and forth. Trump’s moods only range from moron to bigger moron to best moron.
Sheila: He’s turned me into a nervous wreck.
Us: Same here. I have trouble sleeping at night. You?
Sheila: Definitely. And I have horrible dreams.
Us: Would you mind sharing one with us?
Sheila: Well, there’s the one where Trump wakes up in bed with the head of a whore next to him.
Us: Are you sure that’s not the head of a horse?
Sheila: Well, it’s speaking Slovenian.
Us: Where’s the body?
Sheila: That’s the really scary part. He gets out of bed, says, “I feel horny,” and starts looking for it… But I’ll say this, I have a very active sex life since he got elected.
Us: How so?
Sheila: I get fuc**d by Donald Trump every day.
Us: It’s happening to millions.
Sheila: Believe me, I know. None of my male friends can sit down.
Us: I use a cushion.