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Month: October 2019

AMERICAN ANGST

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AMERICAN ANGST

Donald Trump’s impeachment hearings and his selling out of our Kurdish allies and ongoing treason to the country has raised Americans’ anxiety to a new high. Manufacturers of Valium and Xanax are reporting record earnings. Airplane glue is also selling quite well.

We decided to talk to an average American, Sheila Comstock, 52, and ask her how she was handling the nation’s Donald Trump nightmare.

Us: How are you today, Ms. Comstock?

Sheila: I hate Donald Trump:

Us: Take a number.

Sheila: You know… I’d like to go to one of his vanity rallies and call him out on his lies.

Us: Do you drool uncontrollably?

Sheila: No.

Us: You don’t have a shot in hell of getting in.

Sheila: You know, there just has to be something wrong with him… Maybe he’s bipolar.

Us: No, if you’re bipolar, you have rapid mood swings that change your personality back and forth. Trump’s moods only range from moron to bigger moron to best moron.

Sheila: He’s turned me into a nervous wreck.

Us: Same here. I have trouble sleeping at night. You?

Sheila: Definitely. And I have horrible dreams.

Us: Would you mind sharing one with us?

Sheila: Well, there’s the one where Trump wakes up in bed with the head of a whore next to him.

Us: Are you sure that’s not the head of a horse?

Sheila: Well, it’s speaking Slovenian.

Us: Where’s the body?

Sheila: That’s the really scary part. He gets out of bed, says, “I feel horny,” and starts looking for it… But I’ll say this, I have a very active sex life since he got elected.

Us: How so?

Sheila: I get fuc**d by Donald Trump every day.

Us: It’s happening to millions.

Sheila: Believe me, I know. None of my male friends can sit down.

Us: I use a cushion.

theleftwinggazette.com

SATAN’S PEEPS

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SATAN’S PEEPS

With the stress of the many valid attacks on her father, Ivanka Trump, wanting some quiet family time, invited her brothers and father to a private lunch. Her father got upset with her for trying to take him away from fulfilling his dreams of crushing the hopes of all Americans.

When she and her brothers arrived for lunch, the temperature in the room dropped twenty degrees.

Ivanka: Guys, daddy was about to yell at me for forgetting that his need for cruelty is more important than any of us, but I showed him my panties and I knew everything was okay when I saw the spittle forming on his lips. Daddy’s the best.

Eric: When I saw him before, his hands were covered in Kurdish blood, so he was in a really happy mood… You know, I remember the very first time I met him. It was at my eleventh birthday party. He brought me a gold dress.

Donald Jr.: A dress?

Eric: He said he’d been told I was a girl. I started to cry, so he pulled me close and whispered, “It’s okay, son. Now, which one is your mother?”

Donald Jr.: Hey guys, I have great news. Harvard wants me for a new study about inbreeding among the wealthy.

Ivanka: That could explain our webbed feet.

Just then Jared Kushner arrived wrapped in a Torah from his wife’s Old Testament collection.

Don Jr. saw the words in the Torah and said, “Why don’t you just get a Kindle?”

Kushner mumbled the word “moron” and then went on. “This is the Torah I was wearing when I brought peace to the Middle East.”

The Trump spawn rolled their eyes as their father, having changed his mind, entered, smiling, blood on his hands, blood dripping from the corners of his mouth. “Okay, kids, let’s figure out which of our allies I should betray next.”

theleftwinggazette.com

 

 

 

 

HAND GRENADE

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HAND GRENADE

John Bolton, who until recently served as America’s National Security Advisor, and a man who never visited a country he didn’t want to bomb, has recently confirmed the nation’s long-held belief that Rudy Giuliani is a hand grenade in the underpants of America.

Giuliani was an easy hire for Donald Trump, as he ticked all the boxes Trump believes matter: excellent liar, devoid of morals, and lacking the class of two dead flies.

It’s easy to see how Rudy came by the grace, charm and wit he’s known for, as his father served time in Sing Sing for armed robbery and assault and then went on to become an enforcer for a loan shark.

Rudy’s favorite Christmas gifts were brass knuckles, lead pipes and poisoned-tipped candy canes.

He considered becoming a priest and asked God if that was the right path for him, but God responded, “Blow me, you dickwad.”

Giuliani decided to go a different way and has been married three times. Stanford University has received a grant from the Institute for Salamander Advancement to study how it was possible for him to marry out of his species that many times.

Rudy was a life-long Democrat until he switched to Independent in 1975 and Republican in 1980. His mother, after her son was born, was adamant that his father Harold have his tubes tied. Harold agreed, but since that procedure wasn’t available back then, he tied them with his shoelaces.

His mother always maintained that Rudy only became a Republican after they started giving him prestigious jobs. She’s quoted as saying, “He’s definitely not a conservative Republican. He thinks he is, but he isn’t. He stills feels very sorry for the poor.”

Clearly, being a conservative Republican has helped Rudy overcome the afflictions of caring and empathy.

Giuliani keeps his head held high as one of Donald Trump’s personal attorneys yet to be imprisoned.

theleftwinggazette.com