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Month: November 2019

TRUMP AT WALTER REED

TRUMP AT WALTER REED

Donald Trump recently made an unscheduled trip to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center. White House physician Sean Conley had taken Trump’s blood pressure and found it to be 666/666. He insisted his boss go to the hospital immediately. Trump said he would just as soon as he finished his Big Mac.

On the ride over, Trump wanted to stop at a Dairy Queen. Permission was denied. He started to sulk and told Dr. Conley that he would write his own medical report.

Conley: I can’t allow that, sir.

Trump: Why not?

Conley: Because I have principles and integrity.

Trump: Isn’t there a pill for that?

Conley just shook his head, bewildered.

Once at the hospital, BP medication was administered and the patient was sent for several scans. The scans were clean except for the one of the brain, which showed that the inside of Trump’s skull looked like nuclear winter, only less lush.

The final scan came back showing that there was a huge blockage in the Presidential anus. Everyone started guessing what it might be. One nurse said, “My car was stolen.”

A surgeon was called to operate and thought he’d solved Trump’s problem when he found Jim Jordan’s coat in there.

The surgeon then realized there was something even bigger up there. He immediately performed an emergency Lindsay Grahamectomy. When the South Carolina Senator emerged, he was asked if he been cramped. Graham remarked, “Not at all. I had no trouble getting a queen-size mattress and refrigerator in there.”

The surgeon thought he’d completed his task until he felt something else, went back in and removed Trump’s tax returns.

Blood Pressure Boy was asked for a stool sample. He returned from the bathroom and said, “It’s in the toilet.”

A nurse went to look and called out, “We didn’t need that much.”

Trump replied, “It’s not that much. Only about a tenth of what I dump on America every day.”

theleftwinggazette.com

 

 

 

DEMANDING LOYALTY

DEMANDING LOYALTY

It would appear that Donald Trump’s Presidency is unraveling, much like his mind. Even knowing that the gutless Senate will not remove him, his paranoia over the impeachment hearings grows daily.

To allay his anxiety he’s been demanding loyalty tests from everyone remaining in his toxic radius. Many of his billionaire swamp dwellers have pleased their idol by reaffirming their pledge to steal only from working people and the poor.

He also demanded each follower pledge one million dollars to his re-election campaign as he needs money not only for that, but to buy more buses to throw people under.

The donors opened their pockets immediately. To reward them, Trump, tweeting from the White House’s Nixon bunker, is allowing them to attend a Republican Leadership Meeting in March that will take place on Fantasy Island. “The crooks boss, the crooks.”

Once they arrive and are strip-searched to confirm they have no ethics or morals, they will attend an “intimate and lavish” dinner with Mike Pence and his wife whether they want to or not. The attendees will also be offered their choice of a roasted or stir-fried minority.

Trump has promised his billionaires a sumptuous, gold-flecked seven-layer cake for dessert. Considering his record for telling the truth, the cake is expected to have three or four layers tops. He has asked that half of it be saved for him because he’s worried about all the weight he’s been losing.

If you’re just a poor millionaire and can only afford a hundred-thousand dollars, you can buy your way into the Welcome Reception. You will also be treated to a special concert, featuring Scott Baio singing Pat Boone’s greatest hits. Earplugs will be furnished for no extra charge.

Trump has told his advisors that he plans to moon poor donors who only have ten thousand dollars or less to give.

He recently mooned Nancy Pelosi and Adam Schiff. They discussed his behavior at length, but couldn’t decide if he was using his face or his ass.

theleftwinggazette.com

 

 

 

 

 

RAZZLE DAZZLE EM’

RAZZLE DAZZLE EM’

“Flim-Flam-Flummox them,” a lyric from a song in the movie/play “Chicago,” has become the Republican tactic for trying to stop Donald Trump’s impeachment.

Five highly ranked GOP followers were tasked with coming up with a plan to flim-flam-flummox America. The five met in secret in the White House’s new Pinocchio Room. All wore MAGA bags with eye and mouth holes cut out over their heads in case Trump didn’t like what they came up with and once again displayed his maturity level by calling them “Low lifes,” “Human scum,” and “Doodyheads.”

Four of the men were not recognizable, but the fifth’s identity may have been given away by the seven chins hanging out from under his bag.

The meeting was called to order as soon as they finished singing the Russian National Anthem, “Mother Russia, You’re a Real Mother.”

Republican Bag #1: The President has requested that we include some of his biggest accomplishments in our document.

Bag With Chins Hanging Down: That doesn’t belong in this… Geez, what does he want included?

Bag #3: He told me that he’s particularly proud of trying to deport 700,000 DACA members, many of whom have served in our military and many of whom contribute to our economy.

Bag #2: What else?

Bag #4: I know the thing he’s most proud of is locking children in cages at our border.

Bag with Chins: Well, non-white children in cages… pretty cool.

Bag #1: True, but I think it’s important that we let the American people know that Trump’s suspicion of Ukraine is justified because he doesn’t have a hotel there.

Bag #2: People also have to be told that his selling out of American interests to Ukraine are unimportant since he’s done that with Vladimir Putin since taking office.

Just then a sheet of paper was slipped under the door. The bag of chins retrieved it telling the group, “I asked for the Fox poll as soon as it came out.”

He looked it over and said, “Boy are we fuc**d.”

the left wing gazette.com