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Month: December 2019

CONFERENCE CALL

CONFERENCE CALL

Being the holiday season, Donald Trump thought long and hard about how to reward his henchmen for selling their souls to the Devil in order to continue supporting his attempt to destroy America. His main consideration was to spend no money on them because he was a little short this year. His illegal charity had been closed down and he couldn’t steal from it. He settled on letting them sit in on a conference call with him and Satan.

He invited the hellbound likes of Mitch McConnell, William Barr, Lindsey Graham, Mike Pompeo and Kellyanne Conway to the Oval Office. Having just had the carpets cleaned of all the blood he’d spilled on them, he asked the sycophants to please wipe their feet on our Constitution before entering. They did so willingly.

He then placed a call to Satan using his Verizon Unlimited Direct to the Devil Minutes.

Trump was embarrassed when the Devil’s secretary, Roy Cohn, placed him on hold. Hoping to distract his minions, Trump regaled them with stories of how he cheated working people out of their money over the years. Ever more sure that the right man was President, they began to applaud him when Satan got on the line.

Trump: Satan, I’ve got some of your biggest fans here. Lindsey-

Satan: I know who’s there. I can smell them.

Trump: Are you in a bad mood, my Lord?

Satan: When I talk to you, always. What do you clowns want?

Trump: Well, I think everyone would like your assurance that when they die, you’ll have a place for them.

Lindsey Graham: Don’t include me, Mr. Satan. I plan on going to heaven to be with my best friend John McCain.

Trump, Satan, all of them began laughing so uproariously that their stomachs ached. Mitch McConnell convulsed so violently, he slapped himself in the face with his chins.

When the laughter died down:

Satan: Thanks Lindsey, best laugh I’ve had since the Crusades.

theleftwinggazette

 

FOOL ON THE HILL

FOOL ON THE HILL

Fellow liberals, we must finally give Donald Trump his due for having had the courage to attack America’s critical toilet flushing crisis. As a personal note, Trump’s helped me realize that I’m not a freak for having always flushed my toilet fifteen times. Perhaps now people will stop criticizing my fiber intake.

This week Trump greeted Russia’s top diplomat Sergei Lavrov at the White House.

Lavrov began by expressing his concern over the impeachment hearings.

Trump: Ignore them. My flunkies in the Senate will acquit me at trial.

Lavrov: How can you be so sure?

Trump: I told them that if they do, I’ll give them their balls back when I leave office.

He removed a box from behind his desk.

Lavrov: Their balls?

Trump: No… Now it’s time to play “America’s Got Top Secrets.” You can only pick five because I can’t have my supporters realizing that I’m a traitor.

Lavrov: No one in Russia thinks you’re a traitor. We see you as a great patriot. In fact, Vladimir thinks of you as Stalin with bad hair.

Trump gushed, “He thinks of me? Vladimir really thinks of me? That’s so wonderful…. You know, for the first time ever I wish my parents were still alive, so I could tell them that.”

The Russian indicated the box and queried:

Lavrov: I hope your nuclear codes are in here.

Trump: Why would I put something in there that I gave to Vladimir right after I took office?… Now listen, I promised America that I’d talk to you about Russian interference in our elections.

Lavrov: Ukraine meddled, not us.

Trump: I know that. And I know that there was an enormous amount of non-meddling from Russia. Can I count on the same amount of non-meddling next year?

Lavrov: Certainly. In fact, we’ll not-meddle even more than we not-meddled last time.

Trumped smiled and looked off in the distance. “It’s so wonderful knowing that Vladimir thinks of me… I have to tell my parents. I have to… Do you know how can I find out where they’re buried?”

theleftwinggazette.com

 

 

TRUMP’S LIPS

TRUMP’S LIPS

LEFT WING GAZETTE EXCLUSIVE: Still pushing Vladimir Putin’s lie about Ukraine tampering with our 2016 election, Trump has so endeared himself to the Russian that several weeks ago, Putin invited Trump for a secret visit to Moscow. Trump couldn’t resist hanging with his BFF and secretly flew to Russia.

As soon as the men greeted each other, Putin turned around and dropped his pants. Trump immediately fell to his knees and began smooching the dictator’s ass.

Afterward, the two thugs took to the streets and joined the “We Own America Now” celebration. The streets were jammed, and the leader and his sycophant truly bonded when Trump held Putin up so he could see the parade.

Next, they went to the Joseph Stalin Library and Abattoir. Trump looked confused and asked if it had anything to do with Abattoir and Costello. Putin mumbled “moron” under his breath.

The day was going splendidly until the excessive ass-kissing backfired when the Russian sat down and crushed Donald Trump’s lips.

This was particularly tragic for Trump as Putin had been gassy all day.

Both men were rushed to Brosky Teaching Hospital in Moscow. Brosky is a world-renowned medical facility that is famous for coining the phrase “Shitsky. I thought we were taking off the left leg.”

The Russian leader and the American Embarrassment were rushed into the hospital’s finest surgery room immediately after it was cleared of the chickens and goats.

A source who was present said that Trump never stopped talking even though his lips were locked onto Putin’s ass. The source said he believed that Trump was telling Putin, “I wov oo.”

A team of three surgeons, Alexi, Anatoly and Curly, all of whom made their actual livings selling smovoka tarts on street corners, were brought in.

Employing the latest Russian technology, the surgeons WD 40’d Trump’s lips and then tied each of his legs to mules, which then pulled him off of Putin.

Afterward, it took a while to figure out which ones were the mules and which one was Trump. The mules were insulted.

theleftwinggazette.com