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Month: January 2020

PRESIDENTIAL BROWN NOSING

PRESIDENTIAL BROWN NOSING

EXCLUSIVE REPORT: In keeping with Donald Trump’s “government-in-the-darkness-Presidency,” it was hushed up that this past week he was rushed to Washington D.C’s famed People Without Ethics Research Hospital.

Trump, used to sycophants like Lindsey Graham and each of his lawyers sticking their tongues up his ass, Trump managed to stick his own tongue so far up Benjamin Netanyahu’s tush during last week’s visit that he could taste matzoh. Unfortunately, while up there in the Golan Heights, Trump accidentally bit his own tongue.

With it swollen and bleeding, Trump could not be understood as he was wheeled into the hospital. When doctors were told that Trump could only speak gibberish, one responded, “So everything’s normal?”

Many of Trump’s swamp-dwelling appointees stopped watching the impeachment trial and rushed to the hospital. Upon arrival and deemed as dangerous to society by hospital staff, Trump’s hires were immediately seized by guards and removed to the Kellyanne Conway Psych Ward.

Our government officials were dragged onto the ward and into the Randle McMurphy dayroom. As soon as they entered, two serial killers and a mass murderer began to shake with fear.

Trump’s people also began to shake because they were getting the DTs from not having told any lies in almost fifteen minutes. They were sedated except for Ben Carson, who seemed to not only have no pulse but also to not have a clue.

As Trump was in surgery, his advisor Stephen Miller awoke from the sedation first. He was groggy but managed to shout, “Damn it. Let’s deport the Cisco Kid.” He was sent for a bigotry scan where he scored a perfect 100 on the Strom Thurmond Racism Index. When told this,  a broad grin appeared on his face as he asked, “Ain’t hate swell?” So pleased with Miller was Mike Pompeo that he thrust a fist upward and leaped almost half an inch into the air.

When it was announced that Trump’s surgery was successful, most of the hospital staff became severely depressed. Much like the rest of the country already is.

theleftwinggazette.com

 

STARR STRUCK

STARR STRUCK

In a show of respect for the nonexistent Left-Wing Gazette, Ken Starr granted us an interview because he doesn’t have any friends and had an hour to kill  He sat down with our legal editor, Courtney Smith.

Courtney: You recently began working for Donald Trump as part of his legal team. If you lose, do you fear him throwing you under the bus?

Starr: I don’t. If you’ve seen the bus lately you’d know there’s no more room under it.

Courtney: Any thoughts on the impeachment trial?

Starr: Trump walks. He’s definitely not guilty of all the things he’s done. He’s a wonderful man who’s innocent of more things than anyone has ever been innocent of. Could we talk about something else?

Courtney: Certainly… In 2016 you were President of Baylor University and got fired for covering up numerous sexual assault scandals mainly focused on their football team. Would you like to comment?

Starr: I don’t know what the big deal was. Protecting sexual predators is part of the Republican platform.

Courtney: Another reason you were canned was for failing to implement Title IX as mandated by federal law. You don’t seem to find doing right by women very important. Just how important would you rate women’s rights on a scale of one to ten? A three?

Starr: Not that high… Look, women have done themselves a great disservice by thinking they’re equal to men. You can’t deny that they were happier in the 1950s when they took tranquilizers like Miltown and kept their mouths shut.

Courtney: Research has shown that they were anything but happy and took tranquilizers to suppress their rage over the crushing emptiness of their existence.

Starr: “Rage?” Women? Next, you’ll be telling me that they curse and sweat.

Courtney: May I ask you a personal question?

Starr: Sure.

Courtney: What’s life like back there in the 14th century?

theleftwinggazette.com

 

 

THEIR TURN

THEIR TURN

In the interest of fake journalistic integrity, the Left Wing Gazette feels obliged, from time-to-time, to run an op-ed piece from a thoughtful, extremist right-wing loon. That’s why we’ve chosen Joni Ernst to write this one.

ERNST:  “I’m deeply appreciative of this opportunity to defend President Trump, who is the victim of the merciless liberal press. Their unending cruelty is evidenced by this week’s release of a video showing Melania, a sufferer of chronic Slovenian palsy, ripping her hand away from the President’s at Monday’s Clemson-LSU game. Without going into detail, Melania, who adores her husband, often rips her body parts away from him without notice. Spontaneity in a marriage is a good thing.

I want to state bluntly to all of you snowflakes that Donald Trump’s Presidency has been a monumental success. He sits atop a list of great Republican Presidents like Warren G. Harding and Herbert Hoover, who did great things for America and who, like Trump, believed that is was okay to own other human beings.

Among the President Trump’s greatest successes are: making the rich richer, taking health insurance away from Americans who need it most, denying people their rights, and his greatest accomplishment of all, locking children in cages. No wonder that so many have come to believe he is God.

Donald Trump is the world’s best fake Christian and his Holiness has provided me with the hope that with bigots now in control of America, I will someday be able to realize my lifelong dream of pooping in a ‘Whites Only’ bathroom.

The Trump Presidency has reinforced the beliefs of all bitter, cruel and Grinch-faced Republicans that extremism is the only thing that can keep America from further sinking into a barbaric nation of kind, decent and caring people. Defiling our Constitution, obstruction of Congress and treason is a small price to pay to achieve that objective.

Praise the Lord.”

theleftwinggazette.com