PRESIDENTIAL BROWN NOSING
EXCLUSIVE REPORT: In keeping with Donald Trump’s “government-in-the-darkness-Presidency,” it was hushed up that this past week he was rushed to Washington D.C’s famed People Without Ethics Research Hospital.
Trump, used to sycophants like Lindsey Graham and each of his lawyers sticking their tongues up his ass, Trump managed to stick his own tongue so far up Benjamin Netanyahu’s tush during last week’s visit that he could taste matzoh. Unfortunately, while up there in the Golan Heights, Trump accidentally bit his own tongue.
With it swollen and bleeding, Trump could not be understood as he was wheeled into the hospital. When doctors were told that Trump could only speak gibberish, one responded, “So everything’s normal?”
Many of Trump’s swamp-dwelling appointees stopped watching the impeachment trial and rushed to the hospital. Upon arrival and deemed as dangerous to society by hospital staff, Trump’s hires were immediately seized by guards and removed to the Kellyanne Conway Psych Ward.
Our government officials were dragged onto the ward and into the Randle McMurphy dayroom. As soon as they entered, two serial killers and a mass murderer began to shake with fear.
Trump’s people also began to shake because they were getting the DTs from not having told any lies in almost fifteen minutes. They were sedated except for Ben Carson, who seemed to not only have no pulse but also to not have a clue.
As Trump was in surgery, his advisor Stephen Miller awoke from the sedation first. He was groggy but managed to shout, “Damn it. Let’s deport the Cisco Kid.” He was sent for a bigotry scan where he scored a perfect 100 on the Strom Thurmond Racism Index. When told this, a broad grin appeared on his face as he asked, “Ain’t hate swell?” So pleased with Miller was Mike Pompeo that he thrust a fist upward and leaped almost half an inch into the air.
When it was announced that Trump’s surgery was successful, most of the hospital staff became severely depressed. Much like the rest of the country already is.