FEELING SECURE NOW
I, like most of us, am sleeping better now that Mike Pence has been put in charge of stamping out the coronavirus. My confidence was further bolstered when Trump muzzled all doctors from speaking freely, ruling that valuable information be cleared with Pence, a man who once said, “Smoking never killed anyone.”
To give Americans hope, Pence then stated that Donald Trump is pulling out all the stops to control the virus, including something that helped him solve many problems when he was a child: his Winky Dink kit.
Pence wanted us to know Trump’s total indifference to people’s health was not the Commander in Chief’s fault because Trump, being a sociopath and wannabe psychopath, is not capable of caring about anyone but himself.
Quick to inform us that there was nothing to worry about, world-renown epidemiologist Laurence Kudlow in a rare non-inebriated press conference, declared that the virus was contained and pretty much air-tight. The “air-tight” remark made no sense in this context, but it is possible he was switching the topic to how peanuts are packaged.
White House Chief of Staff, Mick Mulvaney, also trying to reassure us, suggested that we could solve the problem by turning off our TVs. He said doing so would allow people to bury their heads in the sand just like the entire Trump administration is doing. Kellyanne Conway is in charge of turning off all White House TVs. Her task will commence as soon as she finishes reading the instruction manual on pulling plugs out of the wall.
We’ve learned that Trump was given a report on the virus. Since he has the attention span of a monkey, the report, shortened by taking out all the verbs, was still getting his lips tired. He dumped it on Pence, who wasn’t happy about being forced to read something other than his Bible. But our dedicated VP did read the entire report. After assimilating all the information on the virus he issued the following statement: “Yikes!”
I know I feel better.